O/T Chili Cook-Off

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Model T Ford Forum: Forum 2012: O/T Chili Cook-Off
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Kohnke Rebabbitting on Sunday, May 27, 2012 - 11:16 am:

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico ..


Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges,

the reaction of the third judge is even better..
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off... The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges ( Native New Mexicans ) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3 ."





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Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report N


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Bill Thompson on Sunday, May 27, 2012 - 12:14 pm:

Too funny!


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Dick Lodge - St Louis MO on Sunday, May 27, 2012 - 12:19 pm:

An Air Force buddy of mine who grew up in New Mexico recently moved back when he retired and lives in Albuquerque. I just sent him this.

When we were at Little Rock AFB, we drove east for vacation. One of the stops was his sister's house in upstate New York. He had been looking forward for several weeks to some lasagna according to their mother's New Mexico recipe that his sister had promised to make for him. When dinner rolled around, they had to dig through the fridge for some cold fried chicken for me. There was no way I was going to eat the lasagna! I know just how Frank felt... :-)


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Doug Money - Braidwood, IL on Sunday, May 27, 2012 - 01:22 pm:

Herm, that was hilarious.


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By John P. Steele Rust, Montana on Sunday, May 27, 2012 - 02:20 pm:

Funny stuff. We have had the Montana State Chili Cook Off in our town for the past few years, I'll share this with the committee. Thanks Herman.


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Rob Heyen - Nebraska on Sunday, May 27, 2012 - 04:06 pm:

I'm only down to #3, keep laughing and not finishing.


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Darren J Wallace on Sunday, May 27, 2012 - 05:39 pm:

I've seen this before...it never gets old! Thanks for the laffs!


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Carl Sorenson-Lake Arrowhead,CA on Sunday, May 27, 2012 - 08:02 pm:

I wish I could put my hands on the photos of the chili cook-off we entered about twenty years ago......The name of our chili was "T-Bone chili"...........We used my 25 TT dump truck as a start of our Booth.....I brought tons of antique junk and displayed it around the truck....Old signs and a stripped awning to keep us out of the sun.......It was quite a site to behold...The secret of our concoction was four T-bone steaks grilled,and cut into small bite sized pieces,added the last hour to our chili that had simmered for about three hours.....We figured we came in fourth place,,,,,,because they only gave out three prizes.......That is a great story,,,,and YES beer does seem to be a common denominator at most out the Chili Cook Offs I've been to......Carl


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By George Button III (Chip), Lake Clear, NY on Sunday, May 27, 2012 - 10:20 pm:

Great Stuff! Gotta go dry my eyes!!


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Rob from Nova Scotia on Sunday, May 27, 2012 - 10:28 pm:

I'm a paramedic, and I just showed this to the other crews here at work, HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!11


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