Received this email. No disrespect meant to those loyal subjects........
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
I think in the next 4 years, we will be begging for that, as a way better alternative!
Yeah, The Brit's don't have their own set of problems. We could wipe the slate clean and blame everything on the Queen instead of George W.
This was circulating in exasperation at the last Prez, when Brown was PM, not the present Camron...
The sad thing is, America is the only country that represents a conservative and free view point, and yet the sheeple are insistent on destroying that, then folks like us have nowhere to turn.
It's OK that Kansas is left out. Our king and his ministers in Topeka will continue to lead us by the precepts of the Sacred Talking Points. Of course, we may have to borrow a mountain of dough from the rest of you when all the BS hits the fan of reality.
Geeeeesh guys, lighten up. This was meant as fun.
Except for the gasoline thing, it can't be any worse than what we have now.
Do we get to wear bowler hats?
I hope we don't have to move our Model T steering wheels to the right side, the petals would be hard to reach.
She's a pretty old gal, if I must say so myself.
Well, I rather like that. All except the part about drinking my tea out of a small cup with a saucer. Truly, I use a soup mug for my daily tea. It is even larger and I enjoy my tea.
Drive carefully. And do enjoy the holidays! W2
Keep in mind, only a third of the Colonists wanted to secede from the British Empire. Another third were Loyalists, and the last third just didn't want to get involved.
Some of wifey's ancestors were Loyalists, and their home in the Mohawk Valley was burned after the war and they fled to Ontario, where the Brits gave them land.
The Revolutionaries recruited lots of Indian Tribes for the war, then wiped them out afterwards. They were treated better by the Brits.
Without help from France, there would be no United States of America.
We got a proper Ashkicking by the Brits in the War of 1812, which is why you hear so little about it.
Politics again? One thing rings true in my mind.
"Everybody is right...and everybody is wrong"
Rob, if it helps, I love it!! John Cleese is comic genius
Let's not make the mistake that the Revolutionists were bad and the Brits were all saints. Remember: The Revolutionaries were BRITS to begin with, and the Brits were treating the Indians like crap long before the Revolutionary War rolled around.
"Without help from France, there would be no United States of America."
Don't forget the money the Dutch provided (as well as the first recognition of the new nation).
Without the United States and their allies, France would be speaking German, today.
They forgot to include retroactive cancelation of WWI and WWII debts to the US. Billions in today's money.
France paid it forward in 1776-8. So did Holland.
That should be 1776-1781. A French fleet kept the British navy from rescuing Cornwallis at Yorktown.
All revolutionists were NOT Brits! My 4 th great grandfather was German. Johan Ludwig Kling. He was a Lutheran and the French overran the south part of Germany and wanted all Germans to convert to Catholic. Johan and family went to England. The king didn't want those Germans so he promised them land if they would go to the colonies. When they got to New York, they didn't get their promised land, and so he and many other German settlers joined the Revolution and overthrew the king. Those who were loyal to the king became Canadians.