Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty
badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the
body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled
back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is
burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said,
"Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in, to confirm the identity
of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."

"What? He had two a**holes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two a**holes. "

Whats so funny bout that?

Ditto

You just gota be a red neck I guess. Dave

Sorry John, I get it, but, HUH?

A businessman is having dinner in an exclusive restaurant, at the next table is a drop dead gorgeous redhead. He wants to say something to her but he's nervous & shy.

Suddenly she sneezes & her glass eye flies out. Without even thinking he reaches out & grabs it. He returns it & the young lady is extremely embarrased & runs to the restroom to rectify the problem.

Upon returning she tells him that it's never happened before & could she buy him dinner.

He has the waiter take his things to her table & they start talking about their lives & their futures & become very friendly. While sipping their brandy she asks if he'd like to come over to her place for a nightcap & maybe breakfast.

Next morning while she's fixing him an omelet.
He asks "last night was wonderful dinner & everything, do you do this sort of thing often"

"No this is the first time, but, You caught My eye".

And to keep this on the up & up, Have you done anything to the Hudson yet.

Alex

There was once a BB King fan that had his initials tatooed on her backside.The big day came when he was in concert in her town.She went running up to him and ask to show him her tatoo, once she bent over he ask, "Who's BoB ?" :>)

(_?_)'s

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Trooper. He
thinks that he is smarter than the Trooper because he is
sure that he has a better education.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the troopers expense...........
Trooper says, "License and registration,please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Trooper says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Trooper says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop.
License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Trooper says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law.
License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you
give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Trooper says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Trooper takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the
Lawyer and says:

"DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

Very good, all three of them!

One day a trucker stopped at a diner for lunch. When he gets his order a biker gang comes in and starts making fun of the trucker. The trucker doesn't do anything. He gets up pays for his meal and leaves. One of the bikers goes to the man at the cash register and says "not much of a man is he." "No" said the cashier, "aint much of a driver either, he just backed over twelve of your motorcycles".

Two friends,a Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were enjoying each other's company at a local fair's picnic.
The Priest was enjoying a nice juicy slice of honey ham,and was teasing his friend about how tasty it was.
"My,my my,this is one nice ham.Best in the county!" the Priest proclaimed,grinning at the Rabbi.
The Rabbi smiled and continued to watch his friend enjoy his lunch.
"When are you going to finally try this delicious meat and see what you're missing?" poked the Priest.
The Rabbi smiled again and said:
"At your wedding"

Darren is in the lead now.

Here's one from my collection:

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.

The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story ?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well...

Kiss your ass goodbye!

cop patroling lovers lane: see's a car parked with the dome light on> goes over to the driver looks in the young man is reading a book, looks in the back seat> young woman knitting< knocks on the window, window goes down, young man says"yes sir", cop: what are you doing out here? reading a book is his reply, "what is the young girl doing in the back seat? look's to me like she is kniting: "what are you two doing out here?" killing time! "how old are you young man? 24 is his reply. "how old is the young lady in the back seat? he looks at his watch:"in about 15 minutes she will be 18"

Virginia City, a young man gets a job as bartender in a Saloon, the Boss shows him around & tells him "If you hear Big John's coming get out of the place"

Weeks go by & everythings fine, then one day the batwings fly open & someone yells "Big Johns coming" before he can move this huge man walks in with a double barreled 12 gauge under one arm & a mountain lion under the other, he throws the mountain lion into the corner where it cowers. The young bartender asks "c-c-c-ould I help you" the large man growls & says "give me a bottle of whiskey" the bartender gives him one, the man breaks the neck off on the bar & downs the entire bottle,

The bartender in shock asks "w-w-ould you like something else" & the man throws a hard dollar on the bar & says "Hell No, I gotta get outta here Big John's coming."

Alex

Anyone daring enough to start Blond Jokes.

70 year old man stops by the corner bar for a beer. He is appropached by a 70-75 year old gal who asks him if he would like some action. He said sure then the gal asked him if he would be interested in a threesome, yes he said and off to her house they went. She opened the door and yelled Mom I am home.

No Alex,

There would likely be some jokes relating to spelling... is your hair blonde?

lol

We are all here because we aint all there.

When my pal rear-ended a car this morning, he knew it was going to be a really bad day! The other driver got out of his car and he was a dwarf! He looked up at my friend and said,... "I am NOT happy".

My buddie said "Well, which one are you then?"

That's how the fight started, officer.

Sorry, I'm really not picking on truck drivers, bikers or dwarfs . . honest

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."


The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
and then just walks out.


The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter


"Want coffee."


The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says ..


"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day.

Gentlemen- To keep the thread topical, I thought you'd like this Model T joke I found on another site..... "About the farmer who, knowing that the Ford Company required lots of tin, shipped a battered tin roof to Detroit. A few weeks later he reportedly received a letter stating: "While your car was an exceptionally bad wreck, we shall be able to complete repairs and return it by the first of the week".

Eric, I spent this past weekend with a couple of people who were on the recent Minnesota tour. They had encountered Ole and Lena jokes. When they mentioned that, they reminded me of the story about Sven and Ole, who were out hunting and shot a buck. They were pulling the carcass through the woods by the tail when they encountered another hunter. "What are you guys doing?" he asked. "God gave that animal a set of antlers. They're like a handle. Use the antlers to pull it." After about fifteen minutes, Sven said, "You know, Ole, dat guy vas right. Dis is a lot easier." "Yah, Sven," said Ole, "but ve keep getting farder avay from the pickup truck!"

Why is the Ford like a millionaire baby?
Because it has a new rattle every day.

A blonde walks into the Drs. office and says "Dr., no matter where I touch myself, it hurts like crazy." Hmmm...sez the Dr. "Touch your chin." She does and cries out in pain. "Touch your elbow" Same reaction. This goes on for a while, with the same results each time. He gives her a thorough exam, blood workup and X-rays. 20 minutes later he returns to the exam room and says, "I've got the results of your tests........you have a broken finger.
BA-DUM

A man who had recently purchased a new Ford car was out driving one morning when the temperature was below freezing. On arriving at his destination, he got out and covered his radiator with a robe.
Two small boys, who had been very busy watching him, hollered and said, "You needn't cover it up, mister, we know what it is. It's a Ford."

My Dad bought a T roadster new in 1923. Here's one of the few stories he told:

"I hear the parson bought a new car; what kind is it?"

"I can't remember the name, but it starts with P."

"Oh, that's gotta' be a Ford; all other cars start with gasoline."

rdr

Cowards,

A Blonde is going real fast in her red SLK a blond female motor cop pulls her over & say's "let's see your license" the blonde driver starts digging through her purse, Cop says "it's retangular and has your picture on it" the driver pulls out her make up mirror looks at it and hands it to the blond cop. The cop looks at it and says "Why didn't you tell me you were a cop"

Anthony, hair was black, now salt & pepper, with emphasis on salt, Daughter's hair red, on both my side & my late wife's the red shows up about every third generation.

Alex

Homer is talking to his buddy who he hasn't seen for a few days;
Homer: " I heard you got a new car"
Buddy: "Yup"
Homer: " I heard you got a new girlfriend too"
Buddy: " Yup"
Homer: " Chev-r-let"
Buddy: " Once in a while"

A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables draped over his shoulders. He orders a drink. Bartender looks him over suspiciously and says "OK, but don't start anything in here!"

After three unsuccessful attempts the State Trooper finally got the speeding driver to pull over. Each time he tried the speeder went faster. Finally throwing on all his lights and siren did the driver pull to the side of the road. "Can you explain to me why you sped up each time I motioned for you to pull over?" The Trooper asked.

"Well its like this Officer. Three month ago my wife ran of with a State Trooper. I thought it was you and you were trying to bring her back."

OK,
Two blondes were sitting on a pier, holding fishing poles. A game warden came by and asked,
"May I see your fishing licenses?"
"We don't have fishing licenses"
"Ladies, you can't fish here without a license!"
"We're not fishing, warden, we're cleaning junk out of the lake."
"Those sure look like fishing poles to me"
"No, no, we have magnets on the lines to pick up the junk."
"Right.....Let me see that pole, please"
Sure enough, the gals have magneto magnets on their lines (SEE, I made this into a model T joke!), So he says, "Well, that's a good thing to be doing, carry on!" and he leaves.
After he leaves one blonde turns to the other and says, "Boy, what a DUMB game warden!"
The other says, "Yeah. . . Doesn't he know there's steelhead in this lake?"
Bruump-DA!
Heh Heh Heh!
T'ake care,
David Dewey
Help save the Steamboat Delta Queen
www.save-the-delta-queen.org
Only YOU can help save this American Icon!

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager sat down next to him. He had spiked hair that was red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet. The old man stared. Whenever the teen looked, the old man was staring. Finally, the teenager said sarcastically: "What's the matter, old boy, never done anything wild in your life?" Without missing a beat the old man replied: " Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. Just wondering if you were my son"

An Italian, an Irishman, and a German walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "is this some kind of a joke?".....

An old, dishevelled man walks into a bar with a mangy old mutt. The bartender says, "get out of here with that fleabag, you bum!"

The man says, "wait just one minute, please. You don't understand - this isn't any average dog - he can talk!"

The bartender is annoyed, but decides to check it out.

So, the man says to the dog, "what is on the top of this building?"

The dog, without missing a beat, replies "roof!"

The bartender yells, "that ain't so special! Any dog could say that!", to which the man says, "I'm sorry give me one more chance - I'll PROVE he can talk!"

The bartender is quite annoyed now, but he obliges to give him one more chance.

The man says to the dog, "who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"

The dog promptly replies, "roof!"

The bartender promptly throws them both out into the gutter.

As they pick themselves up out of the dirt, the dog says to the man, "maybe I should have said 'DiMaggio'".


Bob

This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humor) - and made the web department take it down immediately. (In case you don't know: McDonnell Douglas is one of the world's chief suppliers of military aircraft).

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A Blonde is sitting on her front porch with her two dogs a Dacshund & a Shepard.

The postman walks up & pets the dogs & says "Nice dogs what are their names"

She says "the shepard is Rolex & the dachsund is Timex"

"Kind of unusual names for dogs"

"Well, silly, their watch dogs"

Q: Why did the cyclops give up his teaching job?

A: He only had one pupil.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Did you hear about the guy who had his whole left side blown off in a dynamite accident?

Don't worry, he's all right now......

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his friend on the trail?

Two cannibals are conversing over Dinner.

The first one says, "You know, I really hate my mother-in-law.

The second replies, "Well then, just have the rice pilaf and skip to dessert."

"But, Mom, I don't like my little brother!"

"Shut up and eat."

I paused before posting this, thinking of all the situations where people have been reduced to cannibalism. It's sad, really.

"You know why there are so many Italians in Reno?"

"Because the Donner party wouldn't eat them."

Caribbean is from Caribe, or Carabal in Spanish, which is cannibal in English. As I was taught in Anthropology class a hundred years ago, the Arawaks once populated the Caribbean Islands until the Caribes (Carabales) arrived, and they just sort of ate their way through the islands.

rdr

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,

"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."

one cannibal turns to the other and asks, "Does this clown taste funny to you?"

A blond was sitting in coach going to Hollywood shouting "I'm a gorgeous blonde, going to Hollywood and I need to sit in first class." A flight attendant tried to quiet her down but she kept repeating this over and over again. Finally the pilot had to come out, and as he talked to her, she became quiet. Later the flight attendant asked the pilot how he got her to be quiet. He said, "I explained to her that first class wasn't going to Hollywood."

A Blonde walks into a hairdressers, she's wearing headphones. She sits in the chair & the hairdresser ask's her to remove the headphones, she answers "you'll have to work around them, if take them off I'll die". Not real happy he manages to cut her hair around them.

Next week she comes in again & when seated the hairdresser asks her to remove them as he'd like to do a better job of cutting her hair, once again she says "you don't understand, if I take them off I'll die" & once again he works around them.

Next week same thing, He implores to take them off & again "I've told you if I take them off I'll die". After a cutting a little he reaches down & very carefully takes the headphones off, the Blonde's eyes go wide, she grabs her chest & falls off the chair dead on the floor.

The hairdresser is in total shock, still holding the headphones he puts them on & hears "breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out".

You have to breath in, and out?

A guy left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting and drinking with his buddies and ended up spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally got home Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. By Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Never Underestimate an Old Model T Person:

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed, which she could see from the bedroom window, where he kept his Model T and tools. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrol cars were busy and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available, probably an hour or two. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!' George said, 'I thought you said you had nobody available!'

TWO MEN WERE STANDING AT A PUBLIC URINAL WHEN ONE SAYS TO THE OTHER, "YOU'RE FROM ANDERSON, AREN'T YOU?"
"WHY, YES I AM"
"AND YOU WERE BORN AT ANDERSON HOSPITAL"
"RIGHT AGAIN, HOW DID YOU KNOW?"
"AND YOU WERE CIRCUMCISED BY DR. FORD"
"AMAZING, HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS??"
"WELL, AS A RESIDENT I TRAINED UNDER DR. FORD AND HE WAS KNOWN TO CUT AT A SLIGHT ANGLE AND YOU'RE PEEING ON MY SHOE"

Robert,

First time I heard that joke was during the cold war, mid 60s & it was in a Moscow subway restroom.

"Comrade, You were born in Minsk, is this not true?"

The man turns his head & stares, thinking he's KGB he breaks out in a sweat "Y-Yes how did you know"

"And the doctor who attended your birth was Dr. Raskoltikov? Did you know he was executed last week for crimes against the State? pity, an old man like that"

By now the man knows there are 15 large men outside the door, in identical suits, wearing short brimmed hats & dark glasses, waiting for him. "I haven't done anything"

"And He performed your circumsicion?"

At this point the man's in a panic, with tears streaming down his cheeks he shrieks "WHY ARE YOU INTERROGATING ME LIKE THIS?

"Hell, I'm not interogating you, it's just that he always cut on the bias & your peeing on my shoe"

This is one of those jokes that gets embellished everytime it's told, I know last time I put in the execution, this time the 15 large men.

Alex

Okay-

Please

Someone post the story about the guy who was at the Walmart during the summer with his T and when his wife came out saw him tinkering under the car lying on the ground with his legs stinking out. He was not only wearing loose fitting shorts, but she realized that his manhood had managed to works its way out of the shorts....

I don't want to spoil the outcome, so will someone please post the story!!!

-Keith

Keith,

Ain't even going there, this is not the place.

Alex

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

Congress

Very good, John.

When I heard it, it was south Philly and Rabbi Goldberg....

I want to live my next life backwards! You start out dead and get that
> out
> of the way right off the bat. Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling
> better every day. When you are kicked out of the home for being too
> healthy,
> you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit
> checks. When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You
> work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're
> too
> young to work. So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink,
> and
> party. As you get even younger, you become a kid again. You go to
> elementary
> school, play, and have no responsibilities. In a few years, you become a
> baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy. You spend your
> last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central
> heating, room service on tap. Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.
> I rest my case.

W.C Field's said: "Youth is wasted on the young".

It's astonishing what is discovered in public urinals....
Many years ago Billy, who had something of a reputation as a player, met a young lady named Wendy. He soon became convinced Wendy was the girl for him for life, so he proposed to her. But, given his history, she wasn't so sure of his sincerity so suggested he ought to have tattooed, upon his most vital part, her name. This he did - but you could really only see the W and the Y of her name until he became excited, when WENDY became quite clear.
In spite of this commitment, she dumped him.
Many years later Billy took a vacation at a holiday camp in the Bahamas and, while there, had a need to visit a public urinal. He took a place beside another chap, who happened to be one of the local holiday camp guides. He looked down (as some do - and presmumably to check that the shoes will remain dry!) and noticed this very well built chap also had a W and a Y tatooed on his most vital part.
Curiosity got the better of him, so he asked this chap if indeed, he also knew Wendy. "Who is this Wendy, boy?"
Billy explained himself, but the holiday guide assured him he did not, in fact, know Wendy. "So what is the W and Y I saw?" Billy wanted to know.
"Simple - sometimes our lady guests invite me to their room, and there they can read WELCOME TO THE BAHAMAS - I HOPE YOU HAVE A HAPPY HOLIDAY."

Two men, one Chinese, the other Jewish, were sitting at opposite ends of a bar.

Out of nowhere, the Jewish guy gets up off his barstool, walks over to the Chinese guy, and punches him in the face so hard, that he falls off his stool and lands on the floor.

Stunned, he says to the Jewish guy, "What was that for?", to which the Jewish man replies, "That's for Pearl Harbor!". The Chinese man says back, "That was the Japanese who did that, I'm Chinese!". The Jewish man retorts, "Chinese, Japanese, it's all the same to me", and goes back to sit on his barstool.

Well, the Chinese man is pretty well bent out of shape over this, and within a few minutes, he repays the Jewish guy by blind-sighting him right off his barstool.

Surprised, the Jewish guy yells, "What was that for?", to which the Chinese man says, "That was for the sinking of the 'Titanic'".

The Jewish man yells, "Are you crazy? The 'Titanic' was sunk by an iceberg!"

The Chinaman replies, "Iceberg, Goldberg, it's all the same to me...."

SICK LEAVE
I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss
would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I
acted "Crazy" Then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the
Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,
"What in the name of heaven are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out." Go home and
recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked
her, "..And where do you think you're going?!"

(You're gonna love this....)

She said, "I'm going home,too. I can't work in the dark.

Actually, it was G.B. Shaw who made the remark about wasted youth.

Torvald is walking down the snowy street and sees Ole trying to push his pickup out of the ditch:

Torvald: "Say, Ole, let's go and haf a shot of Aqvavit; den I help you push da truck out."

Ole: "Tanks, but I don't tink Lena vill like dat."

Torvald: "Vy not? She's at home vaiting up for you?"

Ole: "No, she's onder da truck."

W. C. Fields said, "Anyone who hates both kids and dogs can't be all bad."

This is long, but OOOOH so funny...




(This is a story from a fellow named KIRK. Funny as hell!)

Dear Friends,

My wife TONI is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "Hey y'all hold my beer and watch this!" Well. I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for TONI. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer Gun with a clip.

For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out - - way too cool !

Long story short



Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin" directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome ! ! ! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop ! ! ! Yipeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to TONI what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat GRACIE looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not GRACIE) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping GRACIE for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to TONI to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong ? Was I wrong to think that ? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand. Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy tripple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way !" Friggin' way-trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.I'm sitting there alone, GRACIE looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree ?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.

(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight - - always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the face, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that ?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY * * * * * * * ! DAaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuMN! ! ! I
I'm pretty sure that JESSIE VENTURA ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm ticked under my body in the oddest position. GRACIE was standing over me making meowing sounds I have never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing unti8l it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there ? ? ? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs., give or take an ounce or two, I 'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles ? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

Bill Fields said a lot of things, a lot of which can't be put here.

Interesting fact, Orson Welles who was a one of his best friends called him "Uncle Claude", Fields called Welles "Mahatma". Welles turned Fields onto the the "Jeeves" novels by P.G. Wodehouse & thus his Pseudonym as writer of the "Bank Dick" "Mahatma Kane Jeeves" was a homage to Welles.

Here's a good quote from Will Rogers, one of the great humorists of the 20th century "When a man turns 40, he's only as old as he feels. When a Woman turns 40 she's almost 29."

Several years ago I had a customer, a dentist, who needed a Court ordered Grading Permit by that day (requires engineering, public hearings & about 3 months, the judge had given him 6, a landslide in La Jolla yesterday that caused 100, multi-million dollar, homes to be condemned, is one of the reasons). He demanded I help him fill out the forms, I told him to read the back, that the instruction were written so an idiot could understand or hire a permit processor who knew what they were doing. Then gave him a grin & said "Will Rogers never met you, did he?" 30 minutes later he came back & said "I was insulted, wasn't I?" I said "Yup, tried my best, sorry you were slow on the uptake" He demanded my Supervisors name, gave it to him, along with my business card, didn't want him to forget my name, Alexander J. Alongi, & preceeded to give him everybody's phone number up the line, including the Mayor's.

Never heard a word, & he spent 10 days in jail.

Alex

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly
grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing;
his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell
phone and calls 911.



He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"



The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow
my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."



There is a silence... and then a shot is heard.



The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

Some time ago I moved to a new town and joined the Church. Met two really good men that were real strong in their faith. After a while they invited me to go fishing with them.
Being a fair fisherman my self I took them up on their offer. So off we went on a Saturday morning. After fishing for a while Bob got hung up. He gently laid is rod down looked around and stepped out of the boat and walker over to where he was hung up, cleared his line and walked back to the boat and only the souls of his shoes were wet. There I set with my chin down to about my waist. We moved on and shortly after that Jim got hung up. The same thing he laid his rod down looked around and just walker across the water and retrieved his bait and real casually just walked back to the boat and got in. Sure enough only the souls of his shoes were wet. About that time I got hung up. I set there for a minuet and thought about it. Now my faith is really strong and I figure that I have just as much as Bob and Jim. So I stood up laid my rod down and stepped over the side of the boat. Yep went all the way. When I came up I looked at Bob and Jim and said that I was sure there faith was stronger then mine. They looked at each other and then back at me and said NO WE KNOW WHERE THE STUMPS ARE.

This is a lot more fun than discussing coils v.s. distributor!!!!!!

>>Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a
>>get acquainted tour of the White House.
>>After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President
>>Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
>>When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see

>>that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.
>>
>>That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.
>>
>>"Just think," he said, "when I am President, I could have a
>>gold urinal, too. But I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent!"
>>Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White
>>House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his
>>discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the President

>>had a gold urinal.
>>That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting Ready for bed,
>>Hillary smiled, and said to Bill:

>>"I found out who wizzed in your saxophone"

This one's for Bob Frink,

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, when you just have to take it out on someone!
Don't take that bad day out on someone you know; take it out on someone you don't know!

Now get this, I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it, a man answered nicely, saying "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last 2 digits inadvertently.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying on my desk. I decided to call it again, when the same person answered I yelled, "You're an asshole" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word asshole and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or having a really bad day I'd call him up. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an asshole”, it would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced call display. This was a real disapointment; I would have to stop calling this asshole.
Then one day I had an idea, I dialed his number, when he answered I made up a name and said "Hi, this is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our call display program?
" He went "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole."
The reason I took the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it, just dial 823-4866

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling her Model T out of the parking place. I didn't think she was ever going to leave, finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out, I backed up a little to give her more room. Suddenly this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the opposite direction and wheels into the empty space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that buddy, I was here first."
The guy climbed out of his Camaro, completely ignoring me, he walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, "this guy's an asshole, there sure is a lot of assholes in this world."
I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car, so I wrote down his number. Then I looked for another place to park.
A couple of days later I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just got off the phone after calling 823-4866 and yelling, "You're an asshole."
It's real easy to call him now as I have his number on speed-dial.
That's when I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy too.
After a couple of rings, someone answered the phone and said "Hello," I said "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes it is"
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, Its' a yellow house and the car is parked out front".
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen"
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings"
"Listen Don, Can I tell you something?"
"Yes"
"Don, You're an asshole" and I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up, I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dial. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial asshole #1. A man answered nicely saying "Hello,” I yelled "You're an asshole!" but I didn't hang up.
The asshole said "Are you still there?"
I said "Yeah"
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said "No"
He said "What's your name, pal?"
I said "Don Hansen"
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street, it's a yellow house, and my black Camaro's parked right out front".
"I'm coming over right now, Don, You'd better start saying your prayers!"
"Yeah, like I'm really scared asshole" and I hung up.
Then I called asshole #2.
He said "Hello".
I said "Hello asshole"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt"
"Well here's your chance, I'm coming over right now asshole". And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed in to my car and headed over to West 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
Glorious.
Watching 2 assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a TV camera crew was one of the greatest experiences of my life.

-Name withheld to protect the guilty.

I'm told this really happened on a recent T Tour in Michigan.

We stopped in a small town for coffee & doughnuts. The local TV station sent down a pretty, young reporter and a cameraman. The young lady went about interviewing T owners and finally came upon one of our fellow tourists. He's about 80ish in age. He asked if she would like a ride in a Model T to which she stated that she certainly would. During the ride, the old fella told her what a coincidence it was that she should be the second pregnant woman to ride in his T within the last week. She quickly corrected him stating that she was NOT pregnant. The old fella then replied, "Well, the ride ain't over yet!"

One Saturday afternoon I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, “ You should be hung!” I took a drink from my bottle of beer and wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosey assed neighbor, and calmly replied, “I am, that’s why she cuts the grass.”

An old married couple had been observing the newlywed couple across the street. Every day the new husband would greet his new wife at the door with a big bouquet of flowers. Finally the old married woman had seen enough. She asked her husband why doesn't he do something like that! Why doesn't he care to give bouquets of flowers! The old married guy simply explained that he thought the woman's husband might get jealous.

I'm stealing this from a forum poster from a while back. It'll probably differ some though cause I'm going from memory.

I was an avid Model T guy. Probably too avid as I did not give much attention to anything else in life. Finally, I realized my wife was staying out late and coming home with little interest for me. I began to suspect she was seeing someone else. When I asked her about it she, of course, denied everything. "Just out late with friends", she'd say. I decided to lay a trap. I crouched down under the Model T and left the garage door open a few inches so I had a plain view of the driveway. There I laid in wait for her to come home. Finally at 2AM a car rolled up. It was as I thought, she was with another man. As I craned my neck to see them embrace I noticed a twinkle of light as the moonbeams shone in through the open garage door. This twinkle was a glint of light reflected off a drop of oil hanging down from the T rear axle housing. Looking down I noticed a puddle of oil under the T. Obviously this whole scenerio is like torture to me. I need counseling and advice. What I most need to know is, can I fix this leak myself or do I need to pay someone else to do it?

Letter from distraught writer to male advice columnist:
>
> Dear Bill:
>
> I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
> husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
> few
> hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car
> shuddered to a
> halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
>
> When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of
> the
> wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was
> wearing my makeup.
>
> I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When
> I
> confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie
> because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about
> the make
> up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six
> months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
>
> He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling
> increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever
> since I
> gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel
> I can
> get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Norma
>
>
> Dear Norma:
>
> A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
> variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
> debris in the
> fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum
> pipes
> onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem,
> it
> could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery
> pressure to
> the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.
>
> Bill

Little Johnny was passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his parents in the act.

Before his Dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, “Oh boy! Horsey ride. Daddy can I ride on your back?”

Daddy, relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon his mummy starts moaning and gasping and Johnny cries out, “Hang on tight, Daddy. This is the part where me and the milkman usually gets bucked off!”

A Kentucky Department of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked
With an old farmer.

He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new
Road. "The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field."

The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State of
Kentucky to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever
I wish on any farm land.

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Highways employee
Running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull

The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining
On the employee with every step.

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card, smartass".

President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, “They’re Democrat puppies, Mr. President.”

Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, “They’re Republican puppies.” The president looks puzzled and says, “Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies.” The man smiles and says, “Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open

Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my 2006 Tax Return & payment.

Please take note of the attached article from USA Today. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon paid $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

So, please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return.

Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a “1.5 inch screw?” (See attached article…HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and “screwdrivers.”

Signed, A Faithful Taxpayer

One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!” His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. “What the Hell is this?” he said to himself as a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. ‘April,’ he hollered into the bathroom, “Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”

She replied with a snicker, “It’s not talcum powder honey… it’s Miracle Grow!”

I just love this forum I do not help much but I learn much.

Are we remembering that these words are spread around the world and read by young and old alike? Your children, and mine - our grandkids and neighbor's kids that we want so much to become interested in our hobby and continue to care for these marvelous machines sometimes come here in search of knowledge. Let's remember to teach them properly. Thanks - Dave

*** ** ******** ****** ***

We are all normal till we get to know each other better.

A man is sitting at a bar when he looks at his watch, realizing he's been there way to long he gets up & falls on his face, he can't even walk, he pulls himself by his hands out of the door & down the street. Three blocks later he reaches his building & pulls himself up 3 flights of stairs because he can't reach the elevator button.

He reaches his apartment, elbows & hands bloodied, when suddenly the door opens & there's his wife. "Well"

"Honey I was at the library & lost track of time"

"Don't lie to me you S.O.B, Sam called from the bar & said you forgot you wheel chair again".

Alex

Ok, first if any members are lawyers you may have heard some of these before, if you have any that are not here send them to me. If your a lawyer and don't have a sence of humor skip to the next post. Jerry

Why won't sharks eat Lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What do you call a Lawyer with an I. Q. of 70?
Your Honor.

Do you know how to tell when a Lawyer is lying?
When his lips are moving.

What is black and tan and looks good on a Lawyer?
A pit bull.

What's the difference between herpes and a lawyer?
It's easier to get rid of herpes.

What's the difference between Lawyers and vultures?
Lawyers accumulate frequent flier points.

What's the best way to get a Lawyer down from a tree?
Cut the rope.

Why does a Lawyer always wear a necktie?
To keep his foreskin from covering up his head.

What's a Lawyers most effective form of contraception?
His personality.

What do you call fifty Lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

A Lawyer is a guy who helps you get what's coming to him.

What's the difference between a Lawyer and a trampoline?
You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.

"Reporters are like Solicitors and Doctors-
the less you see of them the more tranquil your life is."

How are lawyers and sperm alike?
Only one in a million ever does anything worthwhile.

Practicing law is like driving a taxi.
The meter keeps going even when you're standing still!

"What do Lawyers sentenced for 30 months call going to jail?"
"Trolling for clients."
—-Jim Mullen

Question: How many Lawyer jokes are there?
Answer: Only one. The rest are true stories....
—-Jay Trachman in One to One

Businessman to Lawyer: "Good work, Bagwell. This is a great Contract.
I can't read the fine print." —-Radner in Medical Economics

Divorce Lawyer to client: "Your wife got custody of the house, bit I did manage to get you custody of the mortgage payments."

Have you seen the new home legal kit available through mail order?
It's call Sue Your Self.

What is the definition of a Lawyer?
A person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a brief.

Lawyer to client: "In my profession, there's no such thing as free speech."

Did you hear about the Lawyer who didn't like what the restaurant offered?
He asked for a change of menu.

What's the difference between Saddam Hussein and your ex-wifes Lawyer?
Compared with her Lawyers demands, Hussein's are reasonable.

We know a local cemetery whose custom is to entomb Lawyers twelve feet under, because deep down, they believe they're good people.

Why does New York have so much garbage and Los Angeles so many Lawyers?
Because New York got first choice.

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: "Here Lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man." "How about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."

What do you usually say when you have three Lawyers up to their necks in concrete?
"Get me more concrete now!"

Tax Lawyer:
Someone who's good with numbers buts lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Mickey was not worried by the lawyer's reputation for roughness—but by the time he left, he'd sighed one check and two confessions.

Lawyer: "Are you sure you can prove to the satisfaction of the court that my client is insane?"
Doctor: "No Problem. And if you ever need it, I'll do the same for you."

How do you tell the difference between a catfish and a Lawyer ?
Well, one is a mud wallowing, scum sucking, river bottom scavenger. The other one is a fish!

When driving down the road and you come upon road kill, how can you tell the difference between a skunk and a Lawyer?
There's skid marks in front of the skunk.

What's the first thing you should do when you come across a lawyer and a reporter drowning? 1. Take a nap. 2. Pick up your laundry.

Wile talking on the phone with a friend, John said that it was very cold in town that day. "Howcold is it?" asked his friend Tom. "It's so cold that, Lawyers are even walking around with their hands in they're own pocket"

Two Lawyers were walking on the beach when they came upon a nude woman on a towel.
"Boy, I'd like to screw her" said one.
"Really?" the other said. "Out of what?"

Why are Lawyers replacing rats for laboratory experiments?
1. They are more plentiful than rats.
2. There are something's that a rat just will not do.
3. Also laboratory assistants don't become attached to them as they do to rats.

What's the difference between a doctor and a Lawyer?
When a case is over a doctor asks himself, "Did I leave anything in?", and the lawyer asks, "Did I leave anything out?"

"Which side is it best to lie on, Doctor?" asked the Lawyer at the cocktail party, eager for some free medical advice.
The doctor answered sagely, "The side that pays you the retainer."

Who says there's no such thing a honest Lawyer? What about the one whose paralegal asked, "What are we suing for?"
"Five hundred dollars," he replied.
"What I mean is, what does the client have?"
"Like I said, five hundred dollars."

A man, having a gun with only four bullets, was locked in a cell with a snake, a werewolf, a vampire, a rabid dog, and a lawyer. What did he shoot at?
He shot the Lawyer four times

A construction worker rushed over to the scene of an accident and pulled a heavy beam off a woman lying on the side walk.
Taking her hand he urged, "Hang in there lady, are you badly hurt?" "How the hell should I know?" she snapped. "I'm a doctor, not a Lawyer!"

At a dinner party an attorney found herself seated next to a doctor, and they got to discussing the nuisance of constantly being approached for free professional advice during social situations. "I never know how to handle it gracefully," she admitted. "Have you got any advice?"
"I don't know if this will work for you," said the doctor, "but I stop them cold with one word: undress."

"I've been married three times and I'm still a virgin," complained Myra to her new friend. "My first husband was a college professor; he only talked about it, my second husband was a doctor; he only looked at it. And my third husband was a Lawyer."

At a seminar on psychopathology and its implications for the judicial system, a lawyer listened closely to the eminent psychiatrist's lecture. Finally he raised his hand and pointed out, "You've been telling us a great deal about the abnormal person, about pathological states and related behavior, But what happens if my client is normal?"
"Not to worry." Assured the doctor. "If we ever come across someone like that, we'll cure him too."

The Pope dies and goes to Heaven. After finishing the admission paperwork, the Pope is shown to his suite, near the top of the tallest building in Heaven. Some time goes by before he gets his first chance to talk with St. Peter. St.Peter asks how he is, and how he likes his new surroundings. "It's more beautiful than I ever thought, but how come I didn't get the penthouse suite and a Lawyer did?". St.Peter says, "We have many Popes up here, but only one Lawyer."

A Lawyer cane into the psychiatrist's office, reclined on the couch, and told the doctor he needed help ridding his mind of an obsession, "All I can think of, day and night, is making love to a horse, It's driving me nuts."
"I see," said the shrink, rubbing his goatee, "now would that be to a stallion or to a mare?"
"A mare, of course," retorted the lawyer, indignantly pulling himself upright. "What do you think I am, a pervert of something.?"

An anthropologist, a doctor and a lawyer were attending the funeral of a friend. "Some ancient tribes leave valuables in the grave for use in the hereafter," explained the anthropologist as he lovingly placed a $100 dollar bill in the coffin.
Not to be outdone, the doctor put in another $100 bill.
Watching this, the lawyer took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $300 , and took the two bills as change.

An Architect, a Doctor, and a Lawyer were all eating lunch out, and just happened to have their dogs with them. They all had chicken and had as a result many chicken bones left over. The discussion came around to who had the smartest dog. The Architect said that he had the smartest, and the dog then proceeded to build a complete model of the Washington monument out of chicken bones. The Doctor said my dog is the smartest, and the dog then constructed a complete human skeleton out of chicken bones. The Lawyer said that's nothing, watch this, the lawyer's dog then ate both piles of chicken bones and the other two dogs.

Visiting New York City for a medical convention, a doctor wandered into a little antique store, were he came across a curious brass sculpture of a rat and inquired as to the price. "I have to tell you the truth," said the proprietor. "I've sold that piece twice and it's been returned twice — so I'll let you have it for $400.00, It's very old." The doctor paid and headed out with his purchase in a bag under his arm. Not much later he noticed the shadowy forms of hundreds of live rats scuttling along in the gutters. A little while later the rats had swelled in number to several thousand, and it became evident they were following the doctor. His astonishment turned to disgust and alarm as the rat pack grew to fill up the whole street, so he picked up speed and headed east. When he reached the river, he chucked the brass rat right in, and to his considerable relief the horde of rats followed in to a watery death. The next morning the doctor was the very first customer in the antique store. "No way, buddy, I'm not taking it back a third time," protested the owner. "Relax, I'm not bringing the rat back," smoothed the doctor. "I just wanted to know . . . do you have a brass Lawyer?"

Geez,I hope my lawyer dont find out I laughed at alot of that!At least till he gets done with my mess.

Now for a little musician's humor:

Q: How can you tell if the stage is perfectly level?

A: The bass player drools out of both sides of his mouth.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: Have you seen the new date book designed specifically for banjo players?

A: It's called "Career at a Glance".

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: What's the difference between a flattened snake and a flattened trombone player in the middle of the road?

A: The snake may have been on his way to a gig.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?

A: A drummer.

Ole is walking down the street when up drives his friend Sven in a brand new Ford. "By golly vhere did you get dat new Ford?" asks Ole. "Vell, I'll tell ya" says Sven. "I vas valking down da street vhen Lena pulls up in dis new Ford und asks me to go for a ride. Ve vere driving down da highvay vhen all of a sudden she turns down a dirt road, stops da car, jumps out, takes off all her clothes, throws dem on the ground, und says "Sven, you can have anyting you vant". So I took da Ford." Ole looks at him and says "Dat vas some pretty good tinking dere. None of dem clothes vould have fit ya"!

Alright, you guys asked for it.

You may not know it but our national bird, the Eagle, mates for life.

So.........

Did you here about the elderly male Eagle that lost his mate. He was an old Eagle but a bold Eagle.

Fall was approaching and his nest was getting cold. Finally he could not stand it any more and the old but bold Eagle swooped down from his nest on the side of a tall mountain and flew to the meadow below to look for some companionship. In the meadow he spotted the most beautiful young Dove. He tenderly picked the Dove up in his talons and brought her back to the nest and then flew some lazy circles around the nest before he landed on the edge of the nest and the Dove looked up at our old but bold hero and said
"I'm a Dove, I want to make love"

Well......... this went on for quite a while because after all he was an old Eagle but a bold Eagle. However after a while he began to get tired of just hearing "I am a Dove, I want to make love" so he kicked the poor Dove out of the nest and our old but bold Eagle settled in for the winter.

It was a hard winter and it really got cold in his nest all alone. Remember that he was an old Eagle but a bold Eagle so he toughed it out.

Spring came and our Eagle friend began to feel his oats and found the need for some female companionship. This time he flew down the side of the mountain and over the meadow to the marsh on the other side. As he was flying over the marsh he spotted the most attractive Loon. With a show of magistery (because, as we know he was an old Eagle but a bold Eagle) he reached out and lovingly picked up the Loon and proceeded to fly back over the marsh, past the meadow and back up the side of the mountain. He tenderly placed the Loon in his nest and then flew some Eagle acrobatics before returning to the nest because, after all he was an old eagle but a bold Eagle. When He landed on the nest the Loon looked up at him and batted her beautiful eyes and said "I am a Loon, I want to spoon"

Well........... this went on from spring into summer but every time the old but bold Eagle tried to carry on a conversation the Loon would cut him short and say "I am a Loon, I want to spoon. He finally had enough and booted the Loon out of the nest because after all he was an old Eagle but a bold Eagle.

Summer turned to fall again and the nest began to grow cold again and our old but bold Eagle could not stand being alone. This time he flew down the mountain, over the meadow, past the marsh to the distant lake. Our old but bold Eagle flew along the lake and low and behold he spotted the world most beautiful Duck. Without hesitation he swooped down grabbed the Duck and flew back from the lake, over the marsh, past the meadow, up the side of the mountain and deposited the Duck in his cold and lonely nest. Remember that he has an old Eagle but an old Eagle. He flew straight up to,40,000 feet, turned and dived back to his nest pulling out of his dive at the last second landing on the edge of the nest only to have the beautiful Duck look up at our old but bold friend and say.........



I'm a Drake, You have made a mistake.

A Texan, walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a stock tank by using one hand to get it to his mouth.

The Texan shouts, " Hey don't drink that water ... It has cow manure in it!"

The Man shouts back "Soy mexicano, yo no entiendo inglés. Hábleme español.".
(I'm Mexican, I don't speak English. speak Spanish to me)

The Texan shouts back ... "Utilice ambas manos, usted conseguirá más para beber."
(Use both hands, you'll get more to drink).

I once saw this in the Letters to the Editor in the Los Angeles Times: "Wouldn't it be wonderful if we had 80% of the world's engineers, instead of 80% of its lawyers."

Seriously, the world would be better off if there were lawyers in Communist China to be watchdogs on their dangerous products. In fact, we need better lawyers here to keep the turncoat American Corporations from poisoning us with Communist Chinese products.

rdr

Five old pals were playing their usual weekly poker game. On this particular night the betting had gotten slightly out of control. When the hand was over Bernstein had lost $1500. He grasped his chest and keeled over dead. The other four stared at each other for a short time not knowing what to say or do. Finally, one guy spoke up and said, "Well, I suppose one of us will have to tell his wife." None of them wanted the job because they all knew Bernstein's wife would not take it well at all. The only way to solve this was to draw cards to see who got the unenviable task. Jones drew the low hand. The others told him, be careful, use tact, be calm, don't make a bad situation worse. Jones took slight offense but assured them all that he would be the very picture of tact.

Later that day Jones knocks on Bernstein's door. "Who's out there?", Mrs. Bernstein blares. "It's Jones", is the reply. "What do you want here Jones!?" yells Mrs. B. "I have bad news Mrs. Bernstein, your husband lost $1500 in a poker game and he's afraid to come home.", says Jones, through the still closed door. The door swings open and an enraged Mrs. Bernstein screams, "$1500! You can tell him to drop dead!"

"I'll let him know." says Jones.

Hey Bob,
Know the difference between a songwriter and a pizza? A pizza can actually feed a family of four.

What do you call a songwriter without a girlfriend??? Homeless.

Stan,

This is true. Do you remember the song "Hey, Mister Banjo" popular in the 50's, it was written by a mechanic & pump jockey at our neighborhood Texaco (miss it, it's now apartments), He sold the song for about $150.

Alex

A fly is buzzing around one day when he spots an especially lovely lady fly perched on a fresh pile of dog exhaust. He flys down and lands next to her and says, in his best Barry White, sexy voice, "Excuse me, but is this stool taken?"
Groan!!!!

Humor of the Day: Uh Oh... here we go. Sorry guys. I just can't let this pass.

Rick! "Turncoat American Corporations"?! Corporations cannot stay in busisness unless they make a profit with which they pay their employees and buy raw materials with which to continue in business in order to drive our economy. With Corporations bearing the brunt of the cost of driving our economy, through excessive taxation, they have helped to make our Country the wealthiest, most powerful, most benvolent Country in the history of mankind and without that system, we would not be in the economic position we are in, to be able to give economic aid and assistence to the poorer, weaker, less fortunate, nations of the world and millions more would starve and or be victimized by brutal tyrants (ie: Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Sadaam Hussein, etc.).

"American Corporations" would not have to appear to be "turncoat" and go overseas to do business, if the Government had less confiscatory taxation, fewer prohibitative environmental regulations and fewer labor laws, not to mention the harm done by the outdated and corrupt Unions, that make it impossible for big businesses to make a profit in this country. Corporations are only doing what must be done in order to survive.

I am more concerned with the U.S. Government, which, with a national debt of 56 plus trillion dollars (www.Glennbeck.com/home/index.shtml), is spending us and our chidren's children into oblivion, with countries, such as China, Saudi Arabia and many others, who are our enemies, holding the majority of that debt. All they would have to do to destroy our economy and put our infra-structure into a tailspin, is to call in that debt and demand it be paid. The only thing keeping them from doing that is, with the collapse of America's economic engine, the rest of the world would soon follow, throwing the world into a Worldwide Depression or even another "Dark Ages", which the Muslim extremists (Islamo-facists) would welcome, since they want to see everyone living like they did in the 7th Century, anyway and would do anything to see that come about, even if it meant destroying the world and themselves. That is why they destroyed the World Trade Center, in the hopes of bringing about economic collapse that would spread around the world, but, we were stronger than they anticipated and are stronger now, economically than we were prior to 9/11 but, that is the nature of this despicable enemy. Whether the Democrat doves in Congress want to recognize it or not, we are at War with a determined foe who will not rest until either they or we are destroyed. The next attack, which WILL come, will probably be aimed at our women, our schools and our children or possibly be nuclear. Let's hope that, whatever comes, it finally unites us as Americans into a cohesive force determined to defeat our enemies once and for all, just as we were united during WW II. Jim. Former Marine Sergeant and current Pro-American, Corporate Executive, Capitalist.

Okay guys. I'm done. go back to your jokes.

We are not supposed to make fun of other people. Ethnic and Political jokes have no place on the internet, so I will tell an unoffensive Sven and Oley joke.


I love to tell Sven and Oley jokes but I can't make fun of any race or creed on the internet. So I did some research and found that the Hitites are extinct and so it is alright to tell Hitite jokes.


Well sir, there were these two Hitites going down the street, one was named Sven and the other one was Oley . . . . . . . . sorry Aaron

Frank,

It's kinda funny, through "divine intervention (can't say evolution anymore)" we were once apes & became man. We were hairy creatures with thick skins, the hair went away, but, we still had thick skins. Seems as we've evolved (sorry, used the E word) some of us have gotten real thin skins.

There's these Hitites, Goldberg, Marcello & Bukowski. They've been asked to participate in a project by a professor from UCLA, they're to walk across Death Valley in August & they're told to bring one item to help them survive.

Goldberg arrives with a bag, Marcello has a gallon wine jug & Bukowski has a car door.

The Prof with a clip board asks Marcello why the wine "It's not wine it's water, It gets hot I have something to drink"

He then asks Goldberg what he has in the bag "Money, if I get thirsty I'll buy water from Marcello"

Finally he comes to Bukowski "Why the car door" "If it gets too hot I'll just roll down the window"

It's a San Diego Saturday so I'm going for cruise, with no windows to roll down.

Alex

It is said that the Welsh are a race that always loves a good wager. One day, Jones was killed down in the mine and Davidson was chosen to break the news at home. He was urged to do so gently. He knocked at the door at the Jones home, and when a woman answered asked, "Are you the Widow Jones?" "No," she replied. "Want to bet?" said Davidson.

Good one!

David,

Cymru am byth!

Actually, I've just had two days of a different sort of Celtic experience. We just wrapped up the St Louis Scottish Games and Cultural Festival.

http://www.stlouis-scottishgames.com/

Dick

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

This arrived this morning.

Have not been able to verify this, but what a good story!

The Battle of Palmdale

On the morning of 16 August 1956, Navy personnel at Point Mugu prepared an F6F-5K for its final mission. The aircraft had been painted overall high-visibility red. . Red and yellow camera pods were mounted on the wingtips. Radio remote control systems were checked, and the Hellcat took off at 11:34 a.m., climbing out over the Pacific Ocean. As ground controllers attempted to maneuver the drone toward the target area, it became apparent that it was not responding to radio commands. They had a runaway.

Ahead of the unguided drone lay thousands of square miles of ocean into which it could crash. Instead, the old Hellcat made a graceful climbing turn to the southeast, toward the city of Los Angeles. With the threat of a runaway aircraft approaching a major metropolitan area, the Navy called for help.

Five miles north of NAS Point Mugu, two F-89D Scorpion twin-jet interceptors of the 437th Fighter Interceptor Squadron were scrambled from Oxnard Air Force Base. The crews were ordered to shoot down the rogue drone before it could cause any harm. Armed with wingtip-mounted rocket pods and no cannon, the Scorpion was typical of the Cold War approach to countering the "Red Menace." Each pod contained 52 Mighty Mouse 2.75-inch rockets. Salvo-launched, the Mighty Mouse did not have to have precision guidance. Large numbers of rockets would be fired into approaching Soviet bomber formations to overwhelm them with sheer numbers. Today, they would be used against a different kind of red menace.

At Oxnard AFB, 1Lt. Hans Einstein and his radar observer, 1Lt. C. D. Murray, leapt into their sleek F-89D. Simultaneously, 1Lt. Richard Hurliman and 1Lt. Walter Hale climbed into a second aircraft. The interceptors roared south after their target. The hunt was on.

Einstein and Hurliman caught up with the Hellcat at 30,000 feet, northeast of Los Angeles. It turned southwest, crossing over the city, then headed northwest. As the Hellcat circled lazily over Santa Paula, the interceptor crews waited impatiently. As soon as it passed over an unpopulated area, they would fire their rockets.

The interceptor crews discussed their options. There were two methods of attack using the fire control system, from a wings level attitude or while in a turn. Since the drone was almost continuously turning, they selected the second mode of attack. In repeated attempts, the rockets failed to fire during these maneuvers. This was later traced to a design fault.

The drone turned northeast, passing Fillmore and Frazier Park. It appeared to be heading toward the sparsely populated western end of the Antelope Valley. Suddenly, it turned southeast toward Los Angeles again. Time seemed to be running out. Einstein and Hurliman decided to abandon the automatic modes, and fire manually. Although the aircraft had been delivered with gun sights, they had been removed a month earlier. After all, why would a pilot need a gun sight to fire unguided rockets with an automatic fire control system?

The interceptors made their first attack run as the Hellcat crossed the mountains near Castaic. Murray and Hale set their intervalometers to "ripple fire" the rockets in three salvos. The first crew lined up their target and fired, missing their target completely. The second interceptor unleashed a salvo that passed just below the drone. Rockets blazed through the sky and then plunged earthward to spark brush fires seven miles north of Castaic. They decimated 150 acres above the old Ridge Route near Bouquet Canyon.

A second salvo from the two jets also missed the drone, raining rockets near the town of Newhall. One bounced across the ground, leaving a string of fires in its wake between the Oak of the Golden Dream Park and the Placerita Canyon oilfield. The fires ignited several oil sumps and burned 100 acres of brush. For a while the blazes raged out of control, threatening the nearby Bermite Powder Company explosives plant.
The rockets also ignited a fire in the vicinity of Soledad Canyon, west of Mt. Gleason, burning over 350 acres of heavy brush.

Meanwhile, the errant drone meandered north toward Palmdale. The Scorpion crews readjusted their intervalometers and each fired a final salvo, expending their remaining rockets. Again, the obsolete, unpiloted, unguided, unarmed, propeller-driven drone evaded the state-of-the-art jet interceptors. In all, the jet crews fired 208 rockets without scoring a single hit.

The afternoon calm was shattered as Mighty Mouse rockets fell on downtown Palmdale. Edna Carlson was at home with her six-year-old son William when a chunk of shrapnel burst through her front window, bounced off the ceiling, pierced a wall, and finally came to rest in a pantry cupboard. Another fragment passed through J. R. Hingle's garage and home, nearly hitting Mrs. Lilly Willingham as she sat on the couch. A Leona Valley teenager, Larry Kempton, was driving west on Palmdale Boulevard with his mother in the passenger seat when a rocket exploded on the street in front of him. Fragments blew out his left front tire, and put numerous holes in the radiator, hood, windshield, and even the firewall. Miraculously, no one was injured by any of the falling rockets. Explosive Ordnance Disposal teams later recovered 13 duds in the vicinity of Palmdale. It took 500 firefighters two days to bring the brushfires under control.

Oblivious to the destruction in its wake, the drone passed over the town. Its engine sputtered and died as the fuel supply dwindled. The red Hellcat descended in a loose spiral toward an unpopulated patch of desert eight miles east of Palmdale Airport. Just before impact, the drone sliced through a set of three Southern California Edison power lines along an unpaved section of Avenue P. The camera pod on the airplane's right wingtip dug into the sand and the Hellcat cartwheeled and disintegrated. There was no fire.
====================================

Confirmed: True Humor.

"This is a true story and I’ve been to the F6F-5K crash site."
Pat Macha www.AircraftWrecks.com

Pat and his son, Pat, just last week stumbled on the previously unknown 1943 wreckage of an F-4 near Santiago Peak. It's on a ridge, almost a stone's throw from a new housing development.

rdr

Sorry, thought I's turn this back to humor...love this thread btw...

hope I don't offend...just being funny


ASK A JOB from Government SERVICE

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer
asks him, "Have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in
Vietnam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment."
and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes, 100%...
a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The
interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The Hours are
from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00
A.M." The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to
4:00 P.M. Why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours
we stand around scratching our balls... no point in you coming in for that."

A fly goes into the fly diner, and is told by the waitress that the special of the day is crap and onions. The fly replies, "Sounds good. I'll have the special". He eats it all up and leaves.

He comes back in the next day, and tells the waitress, "Y'know, I really enjoyed that special of crap and onions yesterday. Is it possible for the to cook whip up another plate for me today?" The waitress checks and finds out it's OK, so he orders it, cleans his plate, and leaves.

He comes back AGAIN the next day, and this time the waitress is way ahead of him. She says, "Let me guess, you'll have the crap and onions special again". The fly says "yes, but this time please hold the onions - I've got a date tonight".

...... mind boggling.

Is that a Mad Cow?

Naw,that is a cow with mad cow disease!

An elephant story

A traveling circus was in town and one of its elephants wandered away. While people were looking for it, it showed up in a farmer's garden. The farmer saw it there but never had seen an elephant before. He called the local sheriff and said, "There is a strange animal in my garden. It is the biggest thing I have ever seen." The sheriff wanted to know if there was anything special about it and the farmer said, "There sure is. It has a tail at both ends, and it is using one of its tails picking my cabbages." The sheriff wanted to know what the animal was doing with them. The farmer said, "If I told you wouldn't believe me."

Of all the things I've lost...

I miss my mind the most!

Little Johnny comes running into the classroom after recess, exclaims, "Teacher, there are twenty seven dogs out in the playground!" The teacher asks, "Are they mad dogs?" Johnny, "All but two of 'em are."

Little Johnny is no more. For what he thought was H2O was really H2SO4.

Bill: "I had to shoot my dog"

Pete: "Was he mad?"

Bill: "I reckon he wasn't too pleased!"

"My dog was born without a nose."

"How does he smell?"

"Awful."

I went to the doctor because I thought I was dyslectic, but he said I'm K.O.

A midget waiting to see the doctor was told, "Try to be a little patient!"

I told the doctor that my memory was bad, and that I couldn't remember things from one minute to the next.
He asked, "When did you first notice this?"
I replied, "When did I first notice what?"

All true stories.

Mahtma Gandhi was a great religious man some would even call him super, He did have some issues though. He walked in sandals everwhere he went this gave him large callusses on the bottom of his feet. Due to his repeated fasts he was very fragile and his diet was such that he always had bad breath.

What did this make him?


Your gonna hate me.


A super Callused Fragile Mystic with Chronic Hallatosis.

What do you call a diminutive psychic who has recently escaped from jail?

A small medium at large.

A man went to a psychic, who kept smiling at him throughout the session. This finally annoyed the man so much, he hauled off and slugged the psychic. They charged him with striking a happy medium....

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and
orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Arizona , the other is in Colorado When we all left our home in Texas , we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for
myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round,
the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his
eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife
and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

That one reminded me of this one. Muslims don't recognize the Jews as the Chosen People, Jews don't recognize Christ as the Messiah, Protestants don't recognize the Pope as head of the Church, and Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

I like it! Excellent!

Some may think I have given leave of my usual taciturn senses and become (relatively) frivilous, but here is a joke from one of the era Model T joke books in my extensive collection.

Mr. Cohen was considering insurance for his Ford. The agent said he would place Fire, accident and theft insurance on the car for thirty dollars.
"That is ten dollars for each kind", said Mr. Cohen. "Here is twenty dollars, give me the fire and accident"

Source: Funabout Fords by J.J. White, The Howell Company 1915

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather
>in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived
>in. After spending the night, his grandfather
>prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and
>bacon. He
>noticed a film -- like substance on his plate and he
> questioned his grandfather...."are these
>plates
>clean?" His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as
>clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish
>
>your meal".
> That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his
>grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny
>specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance
>that looked like dried egg yokes. ... so he ask
>again,
>"Are you sure these plates are clean. Without looking
>up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told
>you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water
>can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore.
> Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to
>get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his
>grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let
>him pass so he said,
>"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
> Without diverting his attention from the football
>game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted,
>...
> "COLDWATER, Go lay down!

So this guy is on a business trip to San Antonio, check into the hotel and once settled in his room, goes down to the bar. He orders a pretzel and a short beer.

The bartender procedes to lift a pretzel the size of a truck tire onto the bar and brings a 10 gallon mug of beer and sets it up in front of the guy.

"What's this? I just wanted a small beer and pretzel!" the guy says to the bartender.

"Well neighbor, you know everything is bigger in Texas. That IS a short beer and pretzel just like you ordered," says the barkeep.

So the guy sits there working on the pretzel and this huge beer and it's not long before he's totally inebriated. Then, of course, Nature calls. He asks the bartender to direct him to the mens room.

"Down that hall, second door on the right," he's told.

Not being in the best condition at this point, the guy goes down the hall gets his directions mixed up and goes through the 3rd door on the left instead of the 2nd door on the right.

They found him thrashing around in the hotel swimming pool yelling "DON'T FLUSH IT! D0N'T FLUSH IT!"

>3 Southerner and 3 Yankees
>> > ====================
>> > One morning, 3 Southerners and 3 Yankees were in a ticket counter line
> at
>> >a
>> >train station. The 3 Northerners each bought a ticket and watched
>> >as the 3 Southerners bought just one ticket.
>> >
>> > "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?"
>> > asked one of the Yankees.
>> > "Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from North Carolina
>> >
>> > All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the
> three
>> >Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.
>> >
>> >Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect
>> >tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please."
>> >
>> >The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in
>> > hand. The conductor took it and moved on.
>> >The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
>> >Indeed,
>> >so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return
>> > trip and save some money.
>> >That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single
>> >ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the
>> >three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.
>> >
>> >"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked a perplexed
>> >Yankee.
>> > "Watch and learn," answered the three Southern boys in unison.
>> >When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves
> into
>> >a
>> >toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just
>> > down the way.
>> >
>> >Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their
>> > toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.
>> > The Southerner knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
>> >
>> >There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how
>> >the Yankees ever won the war.

The Indian Boy



A little American Indian boy asked his father, the big chief
witch/doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it we always have long names,
while the white men have shorter names like Bill, Tex or Sam?"



His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or
a poem for our culture--not like the white men, who live all together
and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part
of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.



"For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake,
because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected
in the lake. Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairie,
because he was born on a day the big white horse who gallops over the
prairies of our world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our
capacity to live the life force of our people.



"It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other
questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"

Two from Funabout Fords by J.J. White, The Howell Company 1915

"Ya mein car has gott all von der latest improvements, self commencer und everything."

"Handy"

A Ford ploughing along a country road met a large limosine hub deep in mud. The Ford was hitched to the large car and pulled it to solid ground.
"I am much obliged for the lift" said the driver of the large car; "that's a powerful machine-what is it called"
"This is a Ford'
"Guess I'll have to get one for my tool box."

Ron the Coilman

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.

The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Marcia was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was very lucky.

I thought that was Hillarys personal jet.

I take it that's John's ex-wife's post following his.

didnt think of that!

Q: What is the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?

A: The first one shoots and shoots and never hits; you figure out the other one....

There was this tribal king in the deep jungle who had a thing for fancy chairs. He would send his henchmen to other kingdoms to steal their seats of authority. Once he had them, he would hide them in the attic of his hut. One day, the roof collapsed under the weight of them, crushing him to death.

The moral of the story......

People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

A group of Baptist missionaries are about halfway through painting a newly constructed church, when they realise they won't have enough paint to finish the job. They decide that if they add turpentine to the remaining paint, they would be able to stretch it enough to finish the job.

Shortly after they're finished, as they are packing up to leave, a monsoon comes up and washes all the paint off the church. Suddenly, the clouds part, the sun beams through, and the voice of God booms at them :

"Repaint, and thin no more!"

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac that was up all night wondering whether there really is a doG?

Do you know why it's called "PMS"?

... because "Mad Cow" was already taken ...

I was taught to respect my elders,
but it's getting harder to find one.

"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt." Abraham Lincoln.

If only I had better tools I could more efficiently demonstrate my complete incompetance.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're correct.

Thought is one of the hardest things a human can do... which is why so few partake in it.


Henry Ford

Just remember that the stupidity of ones actions is directly proportional to the number of people watching.

True. That is one of the first things a person learns in the auction business. Any stupid thing you do or say is seen by everybody in the crowd because they are all watching you. Every one of them will go tell somebody what an idiot you were. Among the things I encourage new auctioneers -- as well as old ones -- to do is video themselves doing the auction and then go home and watch the entire thing so they can see what they look and sound like to people in the crowd. It is amazing how many times you will scratch an itch in front of a bunch of people in a place where you wouldn't scratch an itch in front of your grandma.

The absolute most difficult thing for many if not most auctioneers to do in front of that crowd for 8 or 10 or 18 hours or three or four days of 12 hour a day auctioning is maintain their self discipline. No temper, no shortness with bidders, no complaining, etc. It is a pedagogy all its own. Singers go out and do a one hour show with 12 songs, auctioneers many times do 1000 items a day for three or four days straight. Singers are entertaining people who have already paid to get in and just have to make sure they get thier money's worth. The auctioneer is trying to get people to spend money the entire time they are at the auction.

Somewhere in the neighborhodd of 4 % of the people who attend auction school survive in the business for ten years or longer.

Stan you wouldn't be the auctioneer Leroy Van Dyke sang about would you?

I'm an auctioneer and have met LeRoy, but he is the auctioneer he wrote the song about. Or at least the one he wanted to be. He wrote it when he was in the army in Korea in 1954 or 5. He is a great auctioneer as well as a great singer and a great guy. I was at the convention in San Diego several years ago when he was inducted into the National Auctioneer's Hall of Fame. Surrounded by every big shot in the auction business and friends from the music world, he saw me in the crowd and waved, later came over to my table and said hello. Not many people of his status and at that moment in their lives would take time to do that. We had worked the fair in Havre, Montana a couple years before -- my band and I were the opening act -- later we went over and sold a few head at the 4-H livestock sale. In the intervening two years he had probably played 3 or 400 shows, met thousands of new people and sold a dozen high profile auctions but took a moment to make me and the people at my table feel special. We need more people like LeRoy.

Wow, that's a pretty cool story. I figured you probably knew OF him but never guessed you actually know him. You do get around don't you Stan.

When I was a kid in grade school I managed to trade a little washing machine motor to a neighbor kid for a radio. I'd wanted one for a long time but never had any money and -- at least in our area -- a working radio was hard to find and cost cash dollars. It was the joy of my life. I could listen to what I wanted to listen to, and after we got TV when I was a sophomore in high school I could go down to the garage and listen to it while my folks and the neighbors were watching TV. I tried many times to write down the words to the auctioneer song but never did get it exactly right. I tried to play it on my "Singing Cowboys" guitar but didn't know how to do the chant part of it. I finally managed to figure it out so I could do it to some extent. I thought LeRoy VanDyke was the best singer in the world and he was my hero. I wanted to be just like him, a famous cowboy singer and an auctioneer. I had a picture of him from the Country Song Roundup Magazine (which is where I finally got the right words to the song) and had it in my "Words to Songs" book along with pictures of Ray Price and Marty Robbins. To get to share a stage with him some 35 years later was a big thrill to me and to sit on his bus and pass the guitar around and sing a few songs and then go to dinner after the show was pretty tall cotton. It was also pretty cool to have my "bus" and my band there. Not everything ends up this well in life but he was just as nice as I always thought he would be. After 40+ years on the road he still did a great show, signed autographs until the last of the crowd was gone and conducted himself as a perfect gentleman at all time. You can't say that about everybody in the music business.

At first I thought this was funny... then I realized the awful truth of it.
Be sure to read all the way to the end!
Tax his land,

Tax his bed,

Tax the table - At which he's fed.

Tax his tractor,

Tax his mule,

Teach him taxes - Are the rule.

Tax his cow,

Tax his goat,

Tax his pants,

Tax his coat.

Tax his ties,

Tax his shirt,

Tax his work,

Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,

Tax his drink,

Tax him if he - Tries to think.

Tax his cigars,

Tax his beers, If he cries, then

Tax his tears.

Tax his car,

Tax his gas,

Find other ways

Tax all he has - Then let him know

That you won't be done - Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers, Then tax him some more,

Tax him till - He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,

Tax his grave,

Tax the sod in Which he's laid. Put these words upon his tomb,

" Taxes drove me to my doom..."

When he's gone, Do not relax, Its time to apply

The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax

Building Permit Tax

CDL license Tax

Cigarette Tax

Corporate Income Tax

Dog License Tax

Excise Taxes

Federal Income Tax

Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)

Fishing License Tax

Food License Tax

Fuel Permit Tax

Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)

Gross Receipts Tax

Hunting License Tax

Inheritance Tax

Inventory Tax

IRS Interest Charges - IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)

Liquor Tax

Luxury Taxes

Marriage License Tax

Medicare Tax

Personal Property Tax

Property Tax

Real Estate Tax

Service Charge Tax

Social Security Tax

Road Usage Tax

Sales Tax

Recreational Vehicle Tax

School Tax

State Income Tax

State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)

Telephone Federal Excise Tax

Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax

Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes

Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax

Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax

Telephone State and Local Taxes

Telephone Usage Charge Tax

Utility Taxes

Vehicle License Registration Tax

Vehicle Sales Tax

Watercraft Registration Tax

Well Permit Tax

Workers Compensation Tax



STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?



Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What the happened?

Can you spell "politicians!"

And I still have to "press 1" for English.

Three ring circus:

Engagement ring
Wedding ring
Suffer-ing

Oops! Hi Honey... no, I... I was just kidding Honey...no...Really...I...I... Owwww! Hey!....I'll be out in the garage...

"Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids."

And 100 years ago a car was only a rich man's plaything. The prevailing factory wage was $2.38 for a ten hour day x six days. No vacation, no health insurance, no pension, no fringes of any kind. Yep, the good old days, before Henry Ford's $5 day, and then labor unions that represented the workers; and OSHA, etc., to protect their health and safety. Lead used to be known as the Looney Metal before worker protections became the law.

rdr

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring.

The nun asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

The nun responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull in to the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Oh well, since this topic is still going.......

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.
"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," she said. "They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale."

I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Help Hotline.

I was put through to a call center in Pakistan.

I explained that I was feeling suicidal.

They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane....

And in conclusion,
http://www.thefunnystuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=503

Due to sagging ratings, The Cartoon Network has cancelled "Sponge Bob Square Pants".
Since "Sponge Bob" certainly wasn't the smartest cartoon character ever invented, he squandered all his earnings and is now living on the street.
[IMG]http://i132.photobucket.com/albums/q32/olfart100/SpongeBob.jpg[/IMG]
(I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist that one, I'll go away now).
Dennis.

This is true. The City of Los Angeles has a 10% phone tax directly tied directly to a Federal Phone tax that was repealed 2 years ago. It would appear the LA tax is now illegal & is going to tried before a Federal Judge, possibly before Christmas & it's expected he'll do away with it.

Now, in the State of California all new taxes have to go before the voters. So the City Council & Mayor have declared a financial emergency, so they can have a special election in February.

Here's where it gets wierd, they're spinning this thing as a 1% decrease in the existing illegal tax instead of a new tax, they must think the people of LA are morons. Why vote for a new 9% tax when it should be 0%. seems they had recently given all City employee's a 23% pay increase & they're a little worried about where the money's coming from.

Oh yeah, Both the original taxes came into effect in 1898, to fund the Spanish-American War.

Alex

Another true story...

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine. One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

"Hello, hello!" she shouted. "Can anyone hear me? Hello!"

For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, "Hello! Is anyone down there?"

Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep within the mine. "Vote for Hillary, Vote for Hillary."

Snow White fell to her knees, bowed her head and prayed, "Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive."

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is 'Not Now.'

Jim in MO You forgot 2 taxs.The White tax. It is the disposal "fee" we have to pay to get a new fridge.
Also the tire disposal tax.


Just remember,we are all here because we aint all there and that we are all normal till we git to know each other.

If an asp in the grass is a snake then why is a grasp in the ass a goose?

How come there are "pairs" of underwear, but only one bra?

My old friend Johnny Johnson likes to ask;

If it takes a chicken and a half, a day and a half, to lay an egg and a half, how long does it take a rooster, sitting on a brass doorknob, to hatch a grocery store?

Don't know why he likes to ask that, at least he gets a big laugh out of it though.

Why men shouldn't be allowed to write advice columns:

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when
I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Sheila



Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding
the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.
Walter

Wayne was convicted and sent to prison.

During his first prison meal he was surprised to hear an inmate at a distant table yell out "Forty Two!" where upon the whole crowd broke into laughter. A few minutes later another inmate yelled "Six!" and again everyone laughed.

Unable to resist, he turned to the man next to him and asked why some men were shouting numbers and the others were laughing.

"Because," said the man, "we've all heard each other's jokes, so to save time we numbered 'em and just yell the number."

Robert thought about this for a minute, then yelled "33!" and waited for the laughs.

But the dining hall was filled only with the sounds of silverware scraping the plates and quiet murmuring.

Wayne turned to the man next to him again and asked why no one had laughed. The man shrugged, "well, some guys can tell a joke and some can't."

And the next day in the dining hall, he heard someone shout "Twenty-eight!" Everyone laughed, but one guy laughed so hard he fell off his chair, holding his sides. Wayne asked why the guy was laughing so hard. The guy next to Wayne explained, "He probably hasn't heard that one before."

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

I knew it, I knew it !!!
I knew they would finally release the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

Wife picks her husband up the station after work, He then tells her "I'm leaving you for my secretary" she doesn't say a word, but speeds up the car,

He says "She's a lot younger than you" She still doesn't say anything but puts her foot down on gas.

"She's really built & frankly you've kind of let yourself go" No words, but her right foot goes down farther.

"And the sex is wonderful" still silent the cars is now going about 80.

"But don't worry, I'll give you a good settlement that should take care of you for many years to come".

They are now going about 95 & heading for a bridge embuntment, She finally speaks "don't worry I've got everything I need"

"What's that"

"The air-bag"

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is sitting up against the headboard smoking a cigarette

with a very satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says

"Well, I guess we finally know the answer to THAT question."

I don't care who you are, Thats funny.

John,

Good one.

Alex

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We
decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager
sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different
colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager
would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter
old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did
not bat an eye in his response,

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

This thread is getting to long and the jokes are starting to repeat themselves, I saw that one close to the top of this thread.

Here you are rerun,this is your speed!

Quick Check for Alzheimer's

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School
of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you
can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over
40
years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top
down

here's ye anothern,Rerun!


Two southerners walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk
about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress.
One of the southerners looks at her and says, "Kin ye swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, "Kin ye breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The southerner waddles over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down
her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, he
waddles slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ye know, I'd heerd of dat thar 'Hind LickManeuver'
but I ain't niver seed nobudy do it!"

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?'

A fellow is changing a tire just outside the fence of a mental institution. On the other side of the fence one of the residents is watching him. After removing the lug nuts and placing them in the hubcap.The fellow pulls the tire off. In doing so he tips the hubcap over and the lug nuts spill into the grated storm drain.This fellow goes bananas. After he calms down. He turns around and looks at the guy, who is still watching him.
The guy says, "if you take one lug nut of each wheel and and use them on that wheel, you will be able to continue on your way?" The fellow just looks at him with a blank expression. The guy adds, " I may be crazy but I not stupid?"

Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great North Road. One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.


Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea.



Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office. Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style: "Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed.

Good Day..."

Wow Another China made toy recalled today.

Two friends, who went through medical school together, a psychiatrist & a proctologist, decide to open a clinic. They spend several days trying to decide on a name & finally end up with "Nuts & Butts"

Speedy Seniors...
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders,
A State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous
as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies
-- two in the front seat and three in the back
- eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer,
I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you
Should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also
Be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing
The speed limit exactly...
Twenty-Two miles an hour!"
The old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer,
Trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that
"22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit
Embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer
For pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...
Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken
And they haven't muttered a single peep this
whole time."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.
We just got off Route 119."


DJH

I made sure this here werent no repeat Rerun!


Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.


Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the President of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'what are all the Congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame. What a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion , a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

Bet you can't get 100% on the first try!

This is pretty neat! See how you do with the colors! Have fun!

It takes an average of 5 tries to get to 100%. Follow the directions!

It's harder than it seems, as it should be!

A brain waker-upper for today!

http://www.humorsphere.com/fun/8787/colortest.swf

Little know origins of common words

Politics

From the original latin:

Poli = Many
Tics = Small blood sucking animals

Politics = Many small blood sucking animals

*****"Blessed are the cracked for they are the ones who let in the light!!!!*****

> My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I> would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always> around in my early years but less and less as time passed by. Today I read> his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance, for> Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations. > > > > Obituary> >

Common Sense > > > >
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has> been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his> birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be> remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to> come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always> fair, and maybe it was my fault.> > > >

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more> than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are> in charge).> > > >

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but> overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy> charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from> school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding> an unruly student, only worsened his condition.> > > >

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job> they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It> declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to> administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a Bandaid to a student, but could not> inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an> abortion.> > > >

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband> churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than> their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself> from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault..> > > >

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to> realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her> lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.> > > >

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife> Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is> survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame,> and I'm a Victim..> > > > Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you> still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.> > > > Author unknown

Mack,
This doesn't belong in a humor section....lol....it is so sad, but so true. It sums up so much I have tried to scream out above the masses. I work at a University. "Common Sense" died there long ago. I morn his loss daily!
Tim

Tim,

Common sense doesn't exist anymore, it died with cyperspace, It takes us to keep it going.

"There once was a man from Nantuckett"

Enough said.

Alex

Common sense is not so common anymore

Best regards/Sven

Yes Rerun,IT's BACK
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me "$###."

True Story.

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. "They put his right foot in", and then the trouble started. :rofl

Now, for all you "Kids" who don't have a clue what I'm talking about, click here.
http://kids.niehs.nih.gov/lyrics/hokey.htm

(I know, I'm one sick Puppy)
DJH

I was in the bathroom a few days ago at the courthouse, facing the wall and reading the grafitti, when a loud and obnoxious man (no doubt a lawyer) came in and proceeded to use the urinal beside me. I hurried up and finished so I didn't have to listen to his irritating voice, and as I headed toward the door he called after me, "Hey, my parents taught me to always wash my hands after doing that!"
Without looking back, I replied as I walked through the door "I guess my parents were a little smarter...they taught how to keep from pissing on my hands!"

A successful and wealthy young lawyer decided to go the beach one Wednesday, jumped in his Porsche and dropped the top, and headed down the highway with the radio blasting. He passed a billboard and a motorcycle cop immediately gave chase. The young fella pulled over and watched as the big guy sauntered up toward his car, shaking his head as he looked it over and into the back seat.
"License and registration?"
The young man handed over the proper paperwork and smiled.

Cop glances back and forth from the license to the smiling man a few times, pulls down his glasses slightly and sarcastically remarks "Well, you're just grinning like a pig in slop, aintcha? I guess you think you're some kind of hot shot, dontcha?"

"No sir, not at all."
"Fellas like you think you own the road. Daddy buy this car for ya, huh? Probably ain't even got a job, do ya?"
"Sure do sir, I have a very well-paying and satisfying job, thank you."
"And what would that be?"
"Well sir, I'm an a**hole stretcher."

The cop stares at him perplexedly over his sunglasses, undoubtedly puzzled.
"An a**hole stretcher? What exactly is that?"
"Well sir, I start with my customers a little at a time, first with one hand then both, and eventually I can get them opened up to as much as six feet."
"SIX FEET?!!"
"Yessir...six feet."
I don't imagine you get a lot of business, do ya?"
"Sure do! My calendar is full three years ahead."

"WHAT?" the cop was dumbfounded. "What in the world would anybody do with a six-foot a**hole?"

The young man smiled, "Well sir, they usually put'em on a motorcycle and park'em behind billboards!"

I want to die peacfully like my Grandfather & not crying & screaming like his passengers.

A man walking by the insane asylum heard a voice inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" Curious, he went up to the door and peeked in the key hole to see what was going on. Suddenly a small stick came through the hole and poked him in the eye, and the voice said "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

We all know that everything that circulates on the internet is true, but the tax rant above is an exception. Several of those taxes did exist a hundred years ago, as did the national debt. Except for a brief period in 1835, during the Jackson administration, there has always been a national debt, since the beginning of the republic. Not funny, but true.

THE TWENTY-THIRD (FORD) PSALM

The Ford is my auto, I shall not want another.
It maketh me to lie beneath it.
It soureth my soul.
It leadeth me in the paths of ridicule for its name sake.
Yea, though I ride through the valleys, I am towed up the hills.
And I fear much evil for they rods and thy engines discomforteth me.
I annoint thy tire with patches. Thy radiator runneth over.
I prepare for blow-outs in the presence of mine enemies.
Surely if this thing follow me all the days of my life,
I shall dwell in the bug-house forever.

Not funny was the standard factory wage in 1913 of $2.38 for a nine hour day; six days a week. Healthcare? . Doctors? Food and drug safety? And flu that killed 20 million people.

I'd choose the last half of the 20th Century as the best time to live, in spite of taxes, which I owe plenty of this year, btw.

Again, my late Dad's favorite T joke:

"Wilson bought a new car."

"Yeah, what kind?"

"I can't remember, but it starts with P."

"Oh, that has to be a Ford; all other cars start with gasoline."

rdr

But those times where better, because the liberals hadn't attacked and killed the morals of the country as they have in the later part of the 20th century.
Not funny but my opinion.

Butterflies have wings of gold,
Bees have wings of flame;
Bedbugs have no wings at all,
But they get there just the same.

Rich men take the trolley,
Hoboes take their 'caine,
The poor man buys a Ford,
But he gets there just the same.

A fellow is peacefully putting along a country road in his T, with a pig sitting on the seat beside him. Being an open car, he is spotted by a local patrol cop who pulls him over. The cop asks the driver what is going on, the driver replies that he is just going for a ride with his hog. The cop tells him that driving around with the pig is dangerous and that he should take it to a zoo or something, immediately. The man agrees and is on his way.
The next day, the policeman sees the same T, with the guy driving, but the pig is still sitting with him, but this time, the pig is wearing a big floppy straw hat and sunglasses. The cop chuckles to himself at the weak disguise, and pulls the T over again, and tells the driver "Hey, I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo just yesterday, what's going on?" "Why yes officer, you did, and I did take him to the zoo. We had such a great time, today we are going to the beach!"

Hey Rerun! Yep,you guessed it,It's BAAACK!

Electile Dysfunction:
The inability to become aroused over any of the
choices for President put forth by either party in the 2008 election
year.

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
" Why are you stopping"? she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote."

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they
are considered assassinated instead of just
murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but
it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that
extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing
the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we
figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on
luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby'
when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still
called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then
put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns
the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human
being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there
a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a
radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on
all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that
ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil
is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality
come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little
Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside
the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's
in your butt?

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face,
he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car
ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Sign in a Real Estate office window

GET LOTS WHILE YOU'RE YOUNG

Wisconsin: More bars in more places.

I could see me doing this!

My new office:

That's nice,did you buy it from Ralph?

John, that's nice, but you should have sprung for the ugrade. I got the Binford 6100 lazy bowl recliner model. "It's plush while you flush." R R R

Do you know why men get excited about a woman in leather?



She smells like a new truck.

Sometimes we feel like this kid dont we?

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place............

The grass is almost a foot high."

A teacher is reading the story of Chicken Little to her 1st grade Class & when she comes to the part where Chicken Little tries to warn the Farmer "the sky is falling, the sky is falling"

She asked "and what do you think the Farmer said"

Little Suzy raises her hand & say's "Holy Sh**!, a talking chicken".

There was no teaching for the next 10 minutes.

On a more sobering note. Last week the British banned the "Three Little Pigs" because they were afraid it may offend the Muslim's.

The early bird may get the worm, but isn't it the early worm that gets caught???
(not original, but one of my favorites)

Bubba, a furniture dealer from Arkansas, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decides to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate the new acqusition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language & so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting togather at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at the table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

A state trooper stopped a guy for speeding.
All the time the trooper was at the window talking to the man, small flying bugs kept swarming around his face. He would swat at the bugs, complain about them, and kept writing the man a ticket. Finally, he said "what kind of bugs are these?" The man getting the ticket said "they are horse's a** bugs". The trooper got very angry and said "are you calling me a horse's a**?" The man said "No, but you can't fool the bugs!"
I'm sure the trooper wasn't Joe Jeffers.

Marshall,
I heard it this way:
The early bird catches the worm,
so a smart worm sleeps late!"
Bob

Zeke and Roger had been having coffee togeather every morning for years. All of a sudden Zeke showed up with his wife Maude for coffee. This kind of put a damper on some of the conversation. Roger didn't say anything at first, but after a couple of weeks he caught Zeke alone and asked him how come he was spending so much time with Maude.Zeke replyed, well she is getting so ugly that I can't bring myself to kiss her goodby in the morning.

How about starting a new joke of the day thread? this one is getting a little long in the tooth.