Joke of the Day (because you asked for it!)

Topics Last Day Last Week Tree View    Getting Started Formatting Troubleshooting Program Credits    New Messages Keyword Search Contact Moderators Edit Profile Administration
Model T Ford Forum: Forum 2005: Joke of the Day (because you asked for it!)
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By John Stokes on Sunday, January 27, 2008 - 05:58 am:

Mike Cullen called for Joke of the Day - because Humour of the Day "is getting a little long in the tooth."
Which reminds me....
Did you hear about the horse that went into a bar and ordered a drink, and the bar tender asked him how his day had been? "Good" said the horse. To which the bartender asked "So why the long face?".


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Paul Kullmann on Monday, January 28, 2008 - 09:05 pm:

A guy walks into a bar and says "Ow"

If you run behind a model T you get exhausted.

If you run in front of a model T you get tired.

If you run behind a horse you get pooped.


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By John Sizemore on Monday, January 28, 2008 - 09:18 pm:


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By John Sizemore on Monday, January 28, 2008 - 09:19 pm:


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Keith Townsend, Gresham, Orygun on Wednesday, January 30, 2008 - 03:39 am:

I had been unhappy with my wife's mood swings lately, so I bought her a mood ring so I would be able to monitor her moods.

We've discovered that when she's in a good mood, it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on my forehead.

Maybe next time I'll buy her a diamond.


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Chuck Sportsman on Wednesday, January 30, 2008 - 11:43 am:

John,
I love that sign!!! It is a sign of the times in our lawsuit happy society today.


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Roger Gooding on Wednesday, January 30, 2008 - 12:22 pm:

A plane is about to crash. There are 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger says "I am Ronaldo, the best football player in the world. The football world needs me and I can not die on my fans." He grabs the first parachute and jumps off the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says "I am the wife of a former President of the United States. I am a Senator of New York and I have a good chance of being President of the United States in the future. She grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says "I am the President of the United States of America. I have huge responsibilities in the world. Besides, I am the smartest President in the history of my country and can't shun the responsibility to my people by dying." He grabs a pack and jumps off the plane.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a young school boy, "I am old. I have lived my life as a good person as a priest should and so I shall leave the last parachute to you; you have the rest of your life ahead of you."

To this the little boy says "Don't fret old man, there is a parachute for each of us. The smartest President of America took my schoolbag!"

bush 1

bush 2


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Mike Walker, NW AR. on Wednesday, January 30, 2008 - 12:33 pm:

Priceless!


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Ricks - Surf City on Wednesday, January 30, 2008 - 01:21 pm:

This was a prime time speech in the wake of Katrina.


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By John Sizemore on Wednesday, January 30, 2008 - 03:22 pm:



Hillary meets the kids

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the
world. After her talk she offers a question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is.
"James ."

"And what is your question, James?"

"I have three questions: "First - whatever happened to the medical health
care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the
office as President? "Second - why would you run for President after your
husband shamed the office? "Third - whatever happened to all those things
you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that
they will continue after recess.

When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right,
question time.

Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him
what his name is.

"Henry."

"And what is your question, Henry?"

"I have five questions: "First - whatever happened to the medical health
care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the
office as President? "Second - why would you run for President after your
husband shamed the office? "Third - whatever happened to all those things
you took when you left the White House? "Fourth - why did the recess bell go
off 20 minutes early? "Fifth - Where's James?"


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By John Sizemore on Wednesday, January 30, 2008 - 04:23 pm:

Men's answer to Maxine.



Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------------- --------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
---------------------------------------------! ----------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
----------------------------------------------- --------------------



AND MAXINE SAYS..


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By John Sizemore on Thursday, January 31, 2008 - 12:20 pm:

Be Careful Out There:



IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.."

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

>From Kingman , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded,
"That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.


IDIOT SIGHTING :
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE !


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By John Sizemore on Thursday, January 31, 2008 - 09:30 pm:


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Mack Jeffrey Cole on Friday, February 01, 2008 - 12:41 am:

Who goes to "Gap"? Geez,aint you all ever heard of the Goodwill? :>),leaves more money for T's!

I decided to finally show you all a picture of myself.I am the "burd" on the right.


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Dave Dufault on Friday, February 01, 2008 - 01:18 pm:

Good Morning Mack,

Geez, methinks you sell yourself short.....Last post with the "burds". I think, (and from the responses you get, I know that I am not alone), there are many of us out in the world that think you are one great individual, and wish that there were more of your kind in our lives.

You seem to be an extremely hard working, caring, frugal, well spoken individual who has put on a great face despite the terrible and devasting accident you have suffered.

I applaud you for your outlook on life. I believe that you have contributed greatly to the Forum, and have made the Forum more fulfilling and enjoyable for all of us.

May you have abundant sunshine on all your projects, and may the good Lord bless you and yours. Regards, Dave


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Seth Harbuck on Friday, February 01, 2008 - 01:45 pm:

DITTO to Dave's comments!

Mack - stay with us - some of us need a good dose of you on a daily basis!


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By John Sizemore on Friday, February 01, 2008 - 02:58 pm:

I have to agree also. Mack's post are a highlight to the day.
JS


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Tom Stanzione on Friday, February 01, 2008 - 03:05 pm:

I agree, I look forward to seeing what Mack has to say every time I sign on.

Lets us know if we can help again in any way Mack


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Dave Sosnoski on Friday, February 01, 2008 - 03:06 pm:

Idiot Sighting:

True Story:
My girl friend went into Stop and Shop to order a cake for a co-worker who was having a birthday. She asked that they put "Happy Birthday Fred" on the cake. The man behind the counter in the bakery replied that he couldn't do that. Bewildered, she asked why not? His reply was that he didn't know how to make a capital letter F in script! Since his name didn't have an F in it he didn't think it was important to learn that!

Another cake story:

Keep in mind this actually really did happen!!!! This is someone who was moving from a insurance claims office.

So this is how I imagine this conversation went:
Walmart Employee: 'Hello 'dis Walmarts, how can I help you?'
Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'
Walmart Employee: 'What you want on the cake?'
Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.

The result:
Walmart Cake


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Mack Jeffrey Cole on Friday, February 01, 2008 - 03:15 pm:

Well,the picture is kinda of a joke ,thanks for the kind words though,but if you ever meet me in person you will know right off the bat I aint a complete idiot,I am missing a few peices.:>)

From what I can tell,unless something bad happens I more than likely be at Chickensaw.
My dad keeps telling me he dreads it when I come back,He will have to listen to me gripe about not haveing a big enough truck.


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Alex Alongi on Saturday, February 02, 2008 - 12:09 am:

Dave,

Somebody at Work sent me the Wal-Mart cake thing the other day, but the photo was tiny, at least the guy could have spelled "Underneath" properly.

This happened to me some years ago, not an idiot, just a language problem. I was ordering a cake for my daughter's 5th birthday (she just turned 31) I asked the woman what filling it had & she said "Rassberries & Barbarian Creme" I said "What?" & she repeated "Barbarian Creme", this went back & forth & I'm thinking, what kind of creme did barbarians use? finally she showed me an open container & I went "Oh! Bavarian creme" she went "Si! Barbarian Creme"

John, you started the "women" thing, so here goes.

Why does the Bride wear white?

So the dishwasher will match the refrigerator & stove. (My wife's been gone almost 4 years, but I think I just felt a kick in the leg)

Alex


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Dave_Sosnoski on Saturday, February 02, 2008 - 01:02 am:

Alex,

I got the Walmart cake thing about a month ago and thought I would pass it on. There is a Walmart in the town I grew up in and after being in that store we figure the cake had to have come from there. The first one really did happen to my girl friend about 2 months ago! She did get the cake but had to teach the guy how to make a script F!

Here's another one. Went into Burger King with some co-workers for lunch. One decides he doesn't want a soda with his value meal so he asks the girl if he could get 2 milks instead. She says no, you can only get one milk. He replys "Ok, but I'd also like to get a second milk" to which she says "No, you can only get one". For 10 minutes he tried to get her to ring up a meal, then add another milk to the order. He finally gave up and just got 1 milk!

Same Burger King - same co-worker. This time he orders a Cheeseburger to which the girl asks if he wants cheese on it!!! He never did have very good luck at that restaurant.

Dave S.


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By John Sizemore on Saturday, February 02, 2008 - 11:11 am:

Does this sound like somebody you know?



A good ole country boy was stopped by a game warden in North Carolina recently with two
ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man..."Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"No, sir," replied the country boy. "I ain't got none of them there licenses,
these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim
'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these
here ice chests and I take 'em back home."

"That's a bunch of hog wash. Fish can't do that."

The country boy looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the
truth, Mr. Government Man, I'll show ya. It really works."

"OK," said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The country boy poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, "Wel l?"

Well, what?," says the country boy.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

The FISH," replied the warden.

"What fish?" replied the country boy.

Moral of this story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we
ain't as dumb as some government employees.


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By John Stokes on Saturday, February 02, 2008 - 06:20 pm:

We were all having a laugh and Dad said I could add my two cents worth. My question is, if a man speaks in a forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Jessica Stokes (15)


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Ross Benedict on Saturday, February 02, 2008 - 06:34 pm:

A woman from Vancouver, British Columbia, who was a dedicated environmentalist, anti-logging and anti-hunter activist, purchased acres of timberland, near Lake Cowichan, on Vancouver Island.

There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to view the natural splendour of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground. The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor - A WOMAN, 35 minutes away by bus, in Duncan.

She told the doctor she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience. The doctor then told her to go into the examining room and she would see if she could help. The impatient patient sat, and sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

The doctor smiled and said , "Well, I had to get permits from Environment Canada, the BC Forest Service and Worksafe BC before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down"


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Mack Jeffrey Cole on Monday, February 04, 2008 - 09:39 pm:

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!

Why WALMART???

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Tom Mullin on Monday, February 04, 2008 - 11:46 pm:

Mack,

I've been saving these for you. My source didn't tell if they were from North Carolina roads or not.

18

19

Tom


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Colin Bowen on Tuesday, February 05, 2008 - 02:37 am:

These men are installing bollards to stop cars parking on the pavement outside a sports bar. They are cleaning up at the end of the day. How long do you think it will be before they realize?


bollards

Colin


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Bill Maurits on Tuesday, February 05, 2008 - 10:30 am:

A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, and notices a sign on the wall…”TURN $5 INTO $500! ASK YOUR BARTENDER FOR DETAILS”.

The bartender says “You put in your $5 to give it a shot, and there are 3 things you have to do. First…you see that big son-of-a-gun @ the end of the bar? You have to go down there and take him out. Second…there’s a mean nasty old Doberman in the back room w/ a bad tooth. You have to pull the tooth for the dog. Third…there’s a lady upstairs that hasn’t been satisfied for over 20 years! You have to take care of her on top of all that”

He thinks about it and says “Nah…too much trouble”.

So he’s @ the bar for another 3-4 hours and he’s getting absolutely tanked. He looks @ the sign, stands up, slaps his $5 down on the bar and says “Bartender, I’m in!”.

He walks to the end of the bar and knocks the guy flat as a pancake w/ one swing.

He walks in the back room, shuts the door, you hear banging and scraping, stuff’s falling off the walls, the dog is yipping and yipeing and making all kinds of noise.

Then the guy walks out, closes the door and says “OK, where’s this lady w/ the bad tooth?”


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Dave Dufault on Tuesday, February 05, 2008 - 11:20 am:

Just thinking about the new generation looking for information about Ts.




Dave


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Roger Gooding on Tuesday, February 05, 2008 - 12:43 pm:

TOOLS:
(And yes, it is Model T related!)

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beverage across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained Model T body you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeou _ _ _....'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering your Model T to the ground after you have installed your new tires, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering above Model T upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last
over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By John Sizemore on Tuesday, February 05, 2008 - 02:23 pm:

See where you stand It only take a few minutes.

http://www.electoralcompass.com/


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Mack Jeffrey Cole on Monday, February 11, 2008 - 09:57 pm:

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.


To paraphrase Ben Franklin, "In wine there is wisdom, in beer
there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have
demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of
the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
(E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or
tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor, because alcohol has to go through
a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of poop.





Well,this confirms it,I think it was Stan that mentioned useing a manure spreader for a hearse in another thread.Well,they will need it for me to.
I have had 1 table spoon of wine and 1 small swallow of near beer in my entire life.So with all the water and Mt Dew I drink that contains water from the Peedee river,I am full of it! ;>)


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By John Stokes on Tuesday, February 12, 2008 - 09:59 pm:

Don't drink water - fish pee in it


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Alex Alongi on Tuesday, February 12, 2008 - 10:46 pm:

John,

Actually W.C.Fields used another word about fish & water, started with an F.

Here's the reason our people (Italians, Sicilians & Greeks) use Olive Oil.



Pass The Butter .. Please.

This is interesting . . .

Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it
killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the
research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure
out what to do with this product to get their money back. It was a
white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring
and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it?
They have come out with some clever new flavorings.

DO YOU KNOW.. The difference between margarine and butter?

Read on to the end...gets very interesting!

Both have the same amount of calories.

Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared
to 5 grams.

Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over
eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard
Medical Study.

Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in
other foods.

Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few
Only because they are added!

Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the
flavors of other foods.

Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around
for less than 100 years.

And now, for Margarine..

Very high in Trans fatty acids.

Triple risk of coronary heart disease.
Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and
lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol)

Increases the risk of cancers up to five fold.

Lowers quality of breast milk.

Decreases immune response.

Decreases insulin response.

And here's the most disturbing fact.... HERE IS THE PART THAT IS
VERY INTERESTING!

Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC..

This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life
and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added,
changing the molecular structure of the substance).

You can try this yourself:

Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded
area. Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things:

* no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that
should tell you something)

* it does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional
value; nothing will grow on it. Even those teeny weeny microorganisms
will not a find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly
plastic. Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your
toast?

Share This With Your Friends.....(If you want to "butter them up")!


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Warren Mortensen on Wednesday, February 13, 2008 - 07:40 am:

Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC..

I'm not a polymer expert but I think you'll find that most vegetable based cooking oils are only a molecule or two away from being plastic. This is why it's so hard to remove spatter from the stove top and panels; the oil polymerizes when exposed to enough heat from the cooking process.

Me, I prefer butter because I grew up on a dairy farm. If I had been a soybean or corn farmer, I'd probably use the margarine in the belief you should support your own product/industry.


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Ricks - Surf City on Wednesday, February 13, 2008 - 08:25 am:

Velveeta tastes to me like a petroleum product, which I've heard it is.

If all these synthetics made better clothing than wool, the sheep would be wearing them.

rdr


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Mike Cullen on Wednesday, February 13, 2008 - 10:34 am:

FYI: The W.C. Fields quote is "Fish function in it" (get your minds out of the gutter!)


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Mike Cullen on Wednesday, February 13, 2008 - 10:42 am:

Not sticking up for margerine, but it is not less than 100 years old, it was invented in the late 18th, early 19th century in France, to provide a less perishable product to replace butter for Napoleon's troops. They also developed the "canning" of food, using wine bottles at first, then switching to leaded tins. (which opened up another set of problems)


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By Bob Bishop on Wednesday, February 13, 2008 - 03:22 pm:

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking ... Scared the daylights out of me.

So that's it!

After today, no more reading.


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By John Sizemore on Thursday, February 14, 2008 - 05:32 pm:

A guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for its house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a restaurant to have a meal. "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a bite to eat?" he asked the centipede in the box. But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "how about going out and having a snack with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask one more time -- this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, he said "Hey, in there! Would you like to go get some food with me?"

A tiny little voice came squeezing out of the box in reply,

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!!!"


Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message  By John Sizemore on Thursday, February 14, 2008 - 05:40 pm:

A Country Preacher:


An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

a Bible,
a silver dollar,
a bottle of whisky
and a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard,and, Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The preacher waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

First, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He then picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna run for Congress!"


Posting is currently disabled in this topic. Contact your discussion moderator for more information.
Topics Last Day Last Week Tree View    Getting Started Formatting Troubleshooting Program Credits    New Messages Keyword Search Contact Moderators Edit Profile Administration