A man was driving his Model T along the California coast when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish". The driver pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want". The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind". The driver thought about it for a long time, the anguish he'd put his wife through with all the time and money he spent working on his T. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy".
The Lord replied, "You want that bridge two lanes or four"?
Sign in a Real Estate office window: Get lots while you're young.
A man is out of town on business & after a week,tired of hotel food, decides to go a really nice restaurant. The concierge recommends a excellent restaurant around the corner. When he gets there he's immediatly impressed, Oak lined walls, subdued lighting et al. After the Maitre'd seats him & he's purusing the wine list, a beautiful, drop dead gorgeous blond is seated at the table next to him & he can't help but look.
Suddenly she sneezes & her glass eye flys out, without thinking he reaches out & catches it, he returns it. The lady totally embarrased takes it & runs to the Ladies. When she returns she walks up thanks him & invites him to join her. They become fiendly, talking about their hopes, dreams etc.
After dinner she invites him over to her apartment for a "Nightcap"
Next morning as she's fixing him breakfast he says "That was the most wonderful night of my life, do you do this often" She turns gives a satisfied smile & says "Never, but you, you caught my eye"
I wonder how many beers this guy consumed to come up with this idea???
Haircut of the Year...
20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
> 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
> 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
> 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
> 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
> 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
> 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
> 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
> 8. Don t use any punctuation
> 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
> 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.
> 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
> 12. Sing Along At The Opera
> 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
> 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
> 15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
> 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
> 17. When The Change Comes Out Of The Vending Machine, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
> 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
> 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
> 20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......Help someone Smile today.
> It's Called! Therapy.
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
Excellent! I MUST send that one to my older brother - an ATTORNEY!
John; When was this taken, the uniforms look WWI or so.
The picture was taken in 1918 at Camp Dodge, Iowa with 18,000 soldiers. The picture was taken as part of planned promo campaign to sell war bonds.
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
This one is for John Regan and Ron Patterson:
A job interviewer asked me if I had any questions. I said, "Yes. If I'm driving at the speed of light and turn on my headlights, does anything happen?"
Since, according to Einstein, as an object approaches the speed of light, the passage of time slows..and "at" the speed of light, the passage of time stops, How would you even flick the switch? ???
Bumper sticker on old VW bus:
Watch for Finger
GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. N> What did you expect it to contain ... Lobster?
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: 'lucky b*&#ards.'
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's truelyflavored water.
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his a$$ will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ahole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge ahole.
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just wanted to wash my hands!
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?
On a Monday, a florist drops in at the barber shop for a haircut. When the job is done, he gets out his wallet, and the barber says, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.
When the barber opens his shop on Tuesday, he finds a thank-you card and a dozen roses at his door.
Later that day, a police officer comes in for a haircut. When he tries to pay his bill, the barber says, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning, Wednesday, the barber finds a thank-you card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at the door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut. Once again, the barber says, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
Thursday, when the barber arrives at his shop, he finds a thank-you note and a dozen books with titles such as How to Improve Your Business and Becoming More Successful.
Later that day, a Congressman comes in for a haircut. When he gets out his wallet, the barber says, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is elated and leaves the shop.
On Friday, when the barber opens his doors, he finds a dozen more Congressmen lined up to get free haircuts.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between citizens of our country and members of Congress. Vote carefully this year.
A missionary was helping a poor church out by refinishing their old weathered Model T jitney. Halfway through the project, he realised he would not have enough enamel to finish the job, so he cut it with mineral spirits.
Well, the bus looked great, until the first rainstorm, which washed the diluted mixture right off.
Suddenly, the clouds parted, and a bright bolt of sunshine fell onto the dejected faces of the missionary and parishioners - next, a loud voice boomed out the following statement:
REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!
(sorry about the corn, but at least I made it Model T related)