OT: is there really such as thing as a stupid joke?} OK, maybe there is!
Well, that should CAP off the old year.
A guy with a pair of jumper cables draped over his shoulders walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and says,"OK. I'll serve you, but don't start anything in here".
Well, you started it....
Kermit the Frog walked into a bank and sat at the desk of the loan officer, Patricia Black.
He asked to borrow $30,000 so he could buy a new car. When she asked him what he had for collateral on the loan he said all he had was an old painting of some dogs playing poker.
The loan officer said she would need to check with the bank manager. When she told him that Kermit wanted such a large loan and so little to offer for collateral, the manager told her:
It's a knick-knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan.
Best regards (and apologies)
Hey, I represent that joke!! . . . . Wish I had a dollar for every one served, no matter where, or on what . . .
Well---My wife says that most of mine are.
Fantastic. In needed that
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Buddy, why the long face?"
A skeleton walks into a bar.
He order as beer and a mop...
Three guys walked into a bar.
The fourth one ducked.
Two penguins standing on an iceberg.
One says to the other "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo."
The other replies "Who says I'm not ?"
Brian, you wrecked that joke HA HA.
At full length it goes like this.
" A green frog walked into a bank and fronted the teller whose name happened to be Patricia Whack. He asked for a loan and she asked what colateral he could put up. He tendered a small elephant figurine.
Now she thought he was joking, so she went along with him and asked if he could name a guarantor for the loan. He replied "Sure can. Mick Jagger".
Going right along with the request, she said she would have to take it to the manager for his OK. She showed him the elephant. Told him of the Guarantor, and waited for his reply.
The manager listened to the proposal, gave his teller a withering look and said,
"For goodness sake, Patty. It's a nick nack Paddy Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!" Boom Boom.
A well known radio commentator on a Test Cricket broadcast told this joke during a particularly slow session of play. It went viral.
Allan from down under.
Boom Boom, indeed.
The lazy termite walked into the bar and asked "Is the bartender here?"
Army / Navy
Sent to me by an old Navy Friend
Guy walks into a bar and trailing behind is an old, mangy dog who promptly curls up in a corner and goes to sleep as the guy is bellying up to the bar.
Bartender comes over and says: "No dogs allowed in here, you'll have to put him outside."
Guy says: "You can see he's an old dog, it's cold out there and I take him everywhere. If he can do a trick you like will you let him stay?"
Bartender says: "Him do a trick? That I would like to see."
Guy goes up to the dog and yells: "Navy beat Army". Dog's ears immediately come up, he pops up, jumps on the bar, does thirteen back flips, barks out the rhythm of Anchors Weigh, jumps off the bar and promptly goes back to sleep in the corner.
Bartender says: "That really is something - what does he do when Army beats Navy?"
"How would I know - he's just thirteen years old!"
Have a great NAVY day!
Guy is in a bar middle of the day. He's the only one there, and the Bartender says, "Hey, would you watch things for a minute, I have to go in the back"
Sure! the guy says. So he's sittin' there sippin' his beer and he hears, "Nice Tie, goes well with your outfit."
The Bartender comes back in, and the guy asks, "Did you just tell me my tie looks good?" "No, I was in the back"
"Well then WHO did, we're the only ones in here!"
"OH, says the Bartender, "It was the peanuts, they're complimentary!"
OK, world's WORST bar joke:
A Priest, a Rabbi & a Redneck walk into a bar.
Bartender looks up and says, "WHAT is THIS--a JOKE????"
You know,with all the signs on doors of banks and such this season, saying "Closed for Legal Holiday".
It makes 1 wonder, Is there a such thing as Illegal holidays?
Two fish were swimming along when suddenly WHAM, they run into a solid concrete wall. As they spun back from the collision one says, "Dam!"
Ok, you asked for it, here is my mother's one and only dirty joke:
"What did the mayonnaise jar say when the housewife opened it?
Close the lid, I'm dressing!"
"It was the peanuts, they're complimentary!"...
I've been giggling about that one all morning!
this guy walks into a bar average looking except that his head was the size of a thimble. he orders a beer and sees the bartender staring at him and just says be careful what you wish for, I met a genie last week and asked for a little head!
A baby seal walked into a club.
It was a night out for the three String brothers. The wanted to go to a bar. The went in the door of the bar. The bartender saw them coming in the door and he yelled at them. "Get out of here we don't serve your kind in here" They went on their way, but came back later to try again. They were turned away again. One of the brothers became indignant about the situation and got all twisted up in a knot about it. He was coming unwound. " I'll go in there and show that bartender what's what." He went in the door to the bar again and the bartender saw him enter and said "Hey aren't you one of those Strings I kicked out of here earlier?" The brother replied "No I'm a frayed knot."
Since this is the end of the line for 2014 Forum, I'll risk this one.
Cowboy riding his horse sees a rattlesnake in the trail, and takes aim with his pistol.
"Please don't shoot, I'm a magic snake, and I will grant you 3 wishes."
"I want a million dollars; I want a face like Clark Gable, and I want to be hung like my horse."
He gets back to the bunk house and finds a big stack of money. He looks in the mirror and sees he looks like Clark Gable. He drops his pants, and, "Oh, Shucks, I forgot I was riding Old Nell."
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Robert, who was visiting from Jackson, MS.
Robert: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Robert) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's behind. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that."
Two women are talking. One says, "Did you hear about the Pope's plan to keep the cardinals on their toes? He's raised all the urinals in the Vatican six inches."
The other looks puzzled and says, "What's a urinal?"
The first replies, "I don't know. I'm not Catholic."
What do you call a drunk that works at an upholstery shop? A recovering alcoholic.