The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"
i saw this cartoon in a magazine years ago. picture this: the lone ranger is retired now, his pistol and mask hang on the wall next to a picture of silver. he is sitting in a rocking chair with a book open, its titled "indian dictionary", he says, hmmm, keemosabe... a horses ass
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding along out west somewhere when suddenly on the horizon the see 500 Indians on horseback facing them. They wheel to the left and see another 500 Indians. Turning to the right, they see another 500 Indians. With only one option remaining, they turn back toward the direction from which they came and see yet another 500 Indians. "Looks like we're in big trouble, Tonto," says the Lone Ranger. Tonto replies, "What do you mean 'we,' Paleface?"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell YOU, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo. Someone stole tent."
All of these are LOL but I have go to say Henry, that's great!
I am shocked at the racial slurs, stereotyping and lack of compassion for our native American brethren.
I apologize for my slur against buffalo.
Hal, I am a native American. I was born in Wilmington, North Carolina.
I am not offended....
(Native: adjective na·tive \ : born in a particular place) - Merriam Webster Dictionary -
Hmm, I dunno Hal, all but the first joke give Tonto the greater brain power than the Lone Ranger!
The Dewey part of my family has been here since 1633; when do we become "native"? On the other part, I'm 2nd generation American. My mom refused to learn Flemish because she wanted to "talk American." (as an adult she regretted that decision; no one in the family here can speak it--though we still have family in Belgium).
I have a seriously left wing coworker. I get really tired of hearing how bad America is for their treatment of (Insert the name of your favorite minority here) and how wrong we were for helping with the creation of Israel and oppressing the Palestinians etc. He should read these. He'd be really pissed.
I, too, am a native American. I was born in New York. Anyone born here is a native American, regardless of ethnicity. I resent that American Indians have co-opted the term as pertaining exclusively to them. I like the Canadian term for Indian tribes - "First Nations". It's dignified, reflects that their ethnic group predates all the others here, and doesn't demean other Canadians.
David Dewey, I know exactly where you're coming from. My mother and her parents were refugees from Belgium to England in WWI. They managed to get on the last ferry boat leaving Ostend before the Germans overran the city and closed the port. Mom was 7. She went to school in England. Eventually she came - legally! - to the States and married Dad. They brought Grandma over to live with them - Grandpa had since died in England - and I grew up hearing Mom and Grandma speaking Flemish. I understood it, but never really spoke it. In May, my wife and I are going on a bike-and-barge trip in Holland and Belgium, and I've been taking Flemish lessons. It's fascinating, but it's not easy. Occasionally the clouds part, and I remember how something is supposed to sound. Also, I took a lot of German lessons as an adult, and the languages are similar enough that German is both helpful and confusing. I should have learned this at 8 instead of 78!
PS - I love the joke about the tent!
I did the dna test through Nat Geo last year, and found out I'm only 1.4% Neanderthal, and 2% "Native American."
2% means six generations back. All the families' genealogies don't reveal the source. I have one line to the 1620 Mayflower, French and Indian War, and Revolution.
Yes, Gilbert, I prefer "First Nations", too.
Three of my grandparents were born in Italy. The fourth was born in San Jose, CA of Italian immigrant parents. Therefore, when I was younger I considered myself to be "100% Italian".
When I got a little older I became more interested in history. As I learned a little about European history I realized that at one point or another everybody was pretty much either conquered by or conquered everybody else. I then came to the point that "100 % Anything" didn't make much sense. So, I'm more thoughtful about applying labels to any group or ethnicity now. In most cases a little digging would indicate many of us are cousins.
Now I tell my son that since he's 50% Italian and his wife is 59% Italian, 50% + 50% = 100%. That make my grandson 100% Italian!
It is funny/interesting/bothersome/annoying how humans have such a "hard drive"
obsession with "identity" and its tribalism mentality. Is it just me, or does anyone
else ponder why people place such importance on ethnic or regional heritage to a
point of social divisiveness ? My favorite is the ethnic group that demands "equality"
(such as we are all supposed to be treated as if there is no difference), yet duplicitously
demands that they be recognized for being there "special" ethnic group !
And nowhere in this mental gymnastics engagement do they see even a small dose
of hypocrisy !
I remember back in the 3rd grade when the teacher spoke of American ethnicity/heritage and described something called a 'melting pot'. That evening I asked my dad what was his ethnicity. Well, he lifted his head up from folded arms on the kitchen table to say, "son, I'm part Scotch..........and part soda."
But he gave me my first Model T during my sophomore year in high school.
No kidding Burger! I've often thought how beneficial it would be for us to celebrate things that bring us together instead of "diversity".
My paternal grandfather was Swiss and my paternal grandmother was Swedish. My Mothers parents came from England one year before the first Model "T" was built.
When I was just a little kid, I told a neighbor that I was "half Swiss, half Swede, and half English. To his dying day, that neighbor never let me forget it!
My oldest son was once quoted as telling a neighbor, "My dad and I are Italian. My mom and my sister are English".
Diversity is great. I enjoy all the crazy "cultures" I have witnessed as I traveled the world.
Who wants to eat nothing but white bread PBJ's for the rest of their life, you know ? But
what makes humans insist that THEIR brand of "right" overrules all others ? ... that THEIR
God is the ONLY God ? ... or whatever ? My hosts in Afrika, Asia, Europe had much to
offer in terms of wonderful history and interesting culture, but strangely they had no desire
to force me or their neighbors into being clones of themselves. Yet, in my lifetime, I have
watched my world, and parts of the world at large, gravitate toward a pushy, I-have-the-only-
Wassup with that ?
In the Marines, you are a Marine FIRST, all other BS second. Losr sight of that, the Gunny
will find a subtle way to get your head back around that ! Sort of the "American melting pot"
idea on a smaller scale. That doesn't mean you make everyone else be a Marine. They are
free to be Army, Air Force, civilians, or even simple villagers along the patrol. So, where does
this incessant need for humans to think they have the only way come from ???
Methinks there are some deeply seated flaws in the human design, such as excessive fear-
based reaction, as opposed to intellectual contemplation and sound, logical decision making,
inability to adapt or accept change, and this neverending need to think we're superior. WTF ?
I once read that our fear of others, those who are different than ourselves, stems from pre-historic facts. The article claimed that this particular fear came from the fact that tribes would attack each other, steal the women, and either enslave or kill the men and children. Apparently this went on for so long the fear is imbedded in our DNA, so to speak.
I don't know if it's true or not, but it sure would explain a lot of stupid behavior in modern times.
Ahh, ya know, not even in the varying "Native American" tribes is there any unity of race, hell the Chumash profoundly dislike the Lakota and the Lakota have no use for anybody who isn't Lakota, the Ute's also don't like the Navajo (but there is a long standing feud on that score) and the plains tribes think the mesa tribes a bunch of sod chomping looney's.
In the Latin cultures they all dislike each other as well and yet to our minds and eyes there is no difference between them. Yet to them there are profound differences.
I don't know if it's really got anything to do with "pre-historic" paradigms or what, I just think everybody immediately distrusts, dislikes or outright hates everybody else who isn't either directly related (and sometimes that doesn't make a difference either) to them or who isn't tied in some other way through joint interests...say, like the Model T
"Semper Fi" Kemo Sabe,.......
Hey,....I'm just trying not to get "off-topic" on this "off-topic" thread,.......I'm not even sure that's possible but we may just have done it!
Great Lone Ranger jokes - thanks for posting.
A couple of people posted jokes and some have went on to disect far enough to take the fun out of simple jokes!!!! Outside in the shop working a little today at 20 deg's! Bud.
When I was a little boy the people who lived east of us were Polish next on east were German, across the road were Dutch to the west were Hungarians, we all worked together and never thought anything about it, we were mix of English Scottish and Irish if you ask where you came from the standard answer was (the old country) When we married each other the joke was ( we are just watering them down) We all learned to speak English and claimed to to be American Also all went to the war for the country we live in.
Perhaps I should apologize. It was not my intent for anyone to take my comment seriously. I just get this crap from my coworker so regularly, that I let it carry over to the forum. I cannot say "Indian" without being told it is "Native American" and I cannot say "Oriental" without being told I should say "Asian" and it's probably just a matter of time before I cannot say "Black" without being told it's "African American". And give it another 20-30 years and "African American" will have developed some negative connotation and the "Polite" term will be something else and only "Bigots" will use the term "African American". I'm about fed up with political correctness.
As for the Indians, it's not like they lived in perfect harmony before the evil white man came. They were killing, raping and pillaging and taking land from one another long before the Europeans showed up. It's not likely the white man took any land that one tribe had not taken from another before that.
I agree Hal. If you've ever Been to the Smithonian it has turned into the American museum of apologetics. I carpooled with a guy for about ten years much like your coworker. I explained to him one day while he was on his Indian rant that it is funny the picture so many try to paint of a peaceful village all sitting by the campfire minding their own business while here come the troops to wipe them out. That wasn't the case. Also, you can't judge the actions of the settlers against today's standards. They reacted to a problem before them in order to survive.
Sadly, we today are not acting to the savage problem before the world right now (wouldn't be PC). I believe most Americans today don't have the stomach to do what will have to be done to rid the world of what it is facing.
There will however come a breaking point where we will eventually do what it takes. Then we will have our own exhibit in the "American museum of apologetics" in a couple hundred years.
Funny how the people having attacks of the vapors about the word "Indian" all seem to be white. The Indians call themselves "Indians."
etc. etc. etc.
As a quick addendum on political correctness, I remember hearing a TV reporter when Nelson Mandela was inaugurated. She referred to him as "...the first African American President of South Africa." The PC prohibition against using "black" was so strong that she made the switch automatically. I remember wondering at the time what this member of the Xhosa-speaking Thembu tribe would think if told he was "African American."
I help support an Ojibwe-language charter immersion school on a reservation in Wisconsin. A few years ago I visited it between midwestern car tours, and learned a lot. Among other much more important topics, I asked the young tribesman who took me around whether it was OK for me as a white guy to use terms like "Indian" and "the rez", and he said it was fine.
Sometimes I think folks who suffer from an overabundance of political correctitude should have it shoved up their political correctum.
Exactly, Gilbert. I had occasion to spend some time with a member of the Osage Congress when he was in St. Louis some years ago. He told me two funny anecdotes. The first is that when he and his friends go to a restaurant and are asked by the hostess if they have reservations, they always answer, "Yes." The other was that when asked for their name by the hostess, they answer "Warr." Then when the hostess calls for the "Warr party," the Indians in the group all stand up.
The newest museum on the lawn in DC is the "Museum of the American Indian."
Living in Montana, where we have seven reservations, I know a lot of the native people, most who call themselves Indians.
For some perspective on the world of the American Indian today I recommend you read some of Sherman Alexis' books and articles about being Indian in today's world. He and a couple of the rez comedians are very aware of differences and similarities on and off the rez. Sherman says he is as much a product of the Brady Bunch and Hee Haw as he is the rez since he spent summers in Browning on the Blackfeet rez and winters in Spokane with his mother going to school. A great friend of mine, Jerry Buckley, is about 75 and was raised by his grandmother, who was full blood Blackfeet. He says she was one of the last of the "blanket" women and knew all the old Blackfeet history and lore. He has passed some of that on to me. It is a whole different perspective than the white man's take on how the west was "won." But like most people, he says today is today, that was then and this is now. He is proud of being 1/4 Blackfeet, served several tours of duty in Vietnam, rodeoed and volunteers at one of the schools teaching Blackfeet to a generation of kids who not only can't speak it but don't hear it because their parents can't speak it. I have gone to Wolf Mountain with him to see the Owl and the Wolf that live in the rock. When you die, the Owl judges you and if you did not live a moral life that you can be proud of the Wolf makes you go back and live your life again and again until you become worthy of going to the Blackfeet version of heaven, which is the Sweetgrass Prairie. I have been to the site of the Cutbank Creek Massacre where the US troops killed helpless women and children during the dead of winter when they were already starving. I have heard the Blackfeet version of Christianity which is that they used to worship the sun, then the priests came and told them about Jesus so now they worship Jesus and thank him for bringing the sun.
I have heard them tell Indian jokes for hours, with my favorite being. "I've really been busy!" "How busy you been?" "I've been busier than a good set of jumper cables at pow wow!" That's funny, I don't care who you are.
I was pretty proud when I was doing the Story Telling Conference, Jerry Buckley and his sister LeDonia gave me the name "Walking Eagle" (doe-na-she-talk'-twoe) when I was there singing and telling stories on the Montana Story Telling Roundup one year. I told the kids at the final assembly in Browning how proud I was of that and EVERY Indian kid there laughed because they all knew the joke. They call you "Walking" Eagle because you are too full of crap to fly.
It's an old joke but I still like it.
Off to the shop. Working today.