OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

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Burger in Spokane
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Sep 20, 2020 10:31 pm

Ernie played the show backwards every Saturday night, using KD's
transphonic audio reverser. People came from miles around to sit
around and listen. More than once, Cuthbert discovered the zebra
dun mule had gone missing. Where did it always turn up ? That's
right ! There at Ernie's, listening to Eunice Bombeck's radio show.
People suspected the mule knew the sleens were there on the show.
The mule always had a strong affection for sleens.
More people are doing it today than ever before !

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Sep 21, 2020 11:22 am

Here we see Zebulon Butchellfister patiently waiting in line at the Helix mill for tickets to the radio show. He brought his kit and caboodle as identification.
Tickettz.jpg
Sitting backward to the ticket window may indicate he planned to listen to the show backwards also. By doing so you start out with the finished dish and by the end you have all the ingredients.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Mon Sep 21, 2020 10:30 pm

What a cast captured there in this photo ! I see all three Larrys, "Cone Top"
Johnson, Biff and Spiff McGrew, and both "Milk Ear" Willie AND Dicker O'Dell
too.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Sep 23, 2020 12:10 pm

Thanks for the recognitions Burger. Not shown in the photo was Cliburn Filagree. He had actually purchased his ticket the day before.
Cliburn.jpg
Cliburn worked at the sickle registry with Dicker O'Dell on months beginning with the letters A and J. Always a champion of hopsckotch he also did the original pin striping on the Titanic.
He held ticket 59873.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Sep 23, 2020 5:19 pm

It's been said that, if not for the pinstriping on the Titanic, no one
would have survived. For that, we can be grateful to both Filagree
and O'Dell, as it was O'Dell who mentored Filagree to Journey-level
pinstriping through the Chugwater Decorators & Pinstripers Union,
Local 121. Both had held the State title in their respective years.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu Sep 24, 2020 4:52 pm

Pinstriping was especially important to the folks in the Tri-burgs. Many used it to find their way. O'Dell found work continuously for four decades and a fortnight. He lettered signs as well as removing old paint, filling holes and washing walls. Here we see him assigning a number to a local race car.
Dicker.jpg
Filagree followed in suit but drew the line at washing windows. Some thought that was a bit arrogant but maybe Abigail condoned it with:
"the hornets wail at sunrise
purple on the frill.
robins caught in carburetors
act as if they're ill
bells will toll, harps will play
but only lemurs run away."
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Thu Sep 24, 2020 8:22 pm

Filagree may not have washed windows, but his laundry line was the subject
of regular discussion at the Terminal Cafe. The very definition of flamboyant
bachelor, the level of lace and filagree hanging on his clothesline had many
speculating if he didn't slip into a fresh pair on the hour ! On thing was for
sure, he may have been reluctant to wash others' windows, but he kept his
own sparkly, and he was a stickler for handwashing of the delicate fabrics.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Thu Oct 01, 2020 1:48 pm

Cliburn Filagree was easily mistaken for his mother as he got older. And
like his mother, canned up hundreds of jars of monkberry moon delight,
which was prized all across Calhoun County and the upper reaches of the
Chugwater. The roadside stand was erected every Sept. 01 and the lines
often reached all the way to the ferry dock at the foot of Pispacattiquattimauken
St. Children from all over the Tri-Burg area spent summers picking monkberries
and selling them to the Filagrees. The purple picker buses ran all the major
routes, picking the kids up at dawn and returning them before the feckling hour.

KDAtlas.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Oct 02, 2020 1:59 pm

The monkberry moon delight became a necessity after the whey shortage later that September. Roadside or mail order the jars practically flew off the shelf.
Picker.jpg
You may recall that our own Chatsworth Plazzenbicker has restored one of the old Purple busses. Adding 2 water pumps and vacuum ignition has made it safe on the road. He also burns Marvel Mysery oil in it. That increased the mileage by 8% Centigrade.
I will say that Cliburn looks much better with his hair that way.
Thanks
Rich
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Fri Oct 02, 2020 5:57 pm

Thanks for that Rich. Actually that is Cliburn's mother, Zerelda in the photo. That's how much they resembled each other. Zerelda never went to a beauty parlor her whole life long. Folks could scarcely believe that. It was Cliburn who did her hair.

Zerelda told fortunes as a sideline, by reading the mold pattern on monkberry leaves. She had nineteen cats in her yard and named them all Tom. It was a "system" she said.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Oct 02, 2020 6:56 pm

That may be. Although I always thought Zerelda was the one with the mustache.
Notice the Firestone "Safety Glide" tires?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Fri Oct 02, 2020 7:06 pm

Purple Picker AKA Old Yeller in a former job?
The " saftey Glides" are much better than the " super sldes"

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Fri Oct 02, 2020 7:16 pm

And it got 152 miles per gallon when the tank was filled with Happy Sally!

When the marmot married the skunk it sure raised a stink with the neighbors
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Oct 03, 2020 1:14 am

Funny, but while Kalamity Dick was known by most for his well traveled speedster,
he kept a pristine 1928 Marmot town sedan in the basement of the Institute for
the rare formal event that he could not avoid. The staff still brings it out every
St. Swithin's Day for the funicular event. Besides the helix and spiral capabilities
of the car, it could negotiate a funicular course like few others, including the famed
speedster. And in case anyone was wondering, both Filagree and O'Dell collaborated
on the most notable pinstriping, Zerelda accompanying on spoon organ and triangle.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Oct 03, 2020 1:01 pm

It was quite a vehicle I understand. Dual over valve heads and 16 cyndilers. It ran on Vulcansplit tyres originally.
Still looking for the photo.
Rich
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Oct 03, 2020 2:06 pm

While I was looking for the photo Heinrich rolled the Marmot out and took this. I guess we need to have some restoration done on it before the ratatoskrs nibble the rest of the striping.
KDMamo2t.jpg
The B. F. Goodwratchets seem to have worn well.
Thanks Heinrich.
It was his day off!
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Oct 03, 2020 11:13 pm

Kalamity Dick was heard many times to say, "Show an inappropriate tread,
and I'll show you a B.F. Goodwratchet !" He would be none-too-happy to see
the tires his beloved Marmot sits on.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sun Oct 04, 2020 9:28 am

Fellows, this digression into tire brands has opened up an exciting facet of Kalamity Dick's varied endeavors. Scarcely anyone knew about his obsession with tire tread until Bartholomew recently located a thick file in the trunk of values simply labeled "rubbers" in KD's handwriting. The staff is going through its contents now. An exciting discovery of diagrams, drawings and latex formulations proves KD approached the Flyersteam Tire Co. with plans for a revolutionary tread based on emulating the physics of octopus tentacles. More on this as research progresses.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Oct 04, 2020 1:04 pm

Fish & Paint magazine carried a large article on this, but from a very different
angle. It involved a cry to stop the plundering of the Chugwater for octopi for
industrial purposes. Emil Concrete was the spokesperson for a small, but vocal
group that even felt the mushroom moss cultivation needed to be stopped. It is
obvious today, that their efforts may have been successful in stopping the harvest
of octopi, but the mushroom harvest went on.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun Oct 04, 2020 1:48 pm

Again, thanks to Heinrich, we do have a photo of a surviving "Cephalopod" tire in the Fishermen's annex of the Institute.
OctoTire.jpg
Blooperints also remain there and are being vacu-scanned even as we speak. The laws suit brought forth by Hardly Firestone and Bullwinkle F. Goodrich is still on the books at Newton's periodical stand.
Worth reading is a reference to the tentacle tires in Abigails treatise "From Canary to Canery".
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Mon Oct 05, 2020 12:56 am

Yes, a real classic.

Whence go forth on tentacle tires
The ladies blushing shyly
With Mold Preventer firm in hand
And nowhere to turn but up.

Let's not forget that Duke Fitzellwitz had quite the hit, when he put the
entire work to music. Heinrich said that both Spiltsberg and Fitzellwitz
enjoyed eating frozen tomatoes. Kind of a weird anecdotal coincidence !
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Mon Oct 05, 2020 11:20 am

Whence go forth on tentacle tires,
The ladies blushing shyly,
With mold preventer firm in hand,
KD would wave to them blithely

In rare disport,
Did Duke retort,
'Those suckers grip but mildly,'
When into a skid,
Dick's Marmot slid,
And went careering wildly

Abigail's deathless poetry is worth quoting verbatim, in spite of the fact that the limerick form didn't lend itself to Fitzellwitz' musical expression, hence his adaptation of the lyrics. The poem is noteworthy for the fact that it is the only limerick Abigail wrote that wasn't too filthy to recount.
Last edited by Rich Bingham on Mon Oct 05, 2020 3:21 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Oct 05, 2020 1:31 pm

Please see the corrected version of my post. I realized there is no "s" in tentacle.
I was pleased to experience the above poem in both versions.
"Poetry is like the swallow making it's way down the throat or the wind blasting it's way across the open wind glass."
"Never were we more likely to take pride in the words of the Poet than after a good swarthing."
"A man who can make a rhyme can stop by anytime."
What a way to enjoy the middle of the day. Or perhaps close to the middle for those in different time sectors.
In Bliss!
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Mon Oct 05, 2020 3:20 pm

Thanks for that correction Rich. As a footnote, Cleston Hanswallop, R&D superintendent for Firesteam Tire Co. did continue with development of what he called the revolutionary "testicle tread" tire for some months after KD withdrew as a technical advisor to the company. Perhaps confusing, but Cleston was notoriously lysdexic.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Oct 05, 2020 6:32 pm

Yeah! Go Figure.
This simple diagram shows how neither the octopus or the tyrotechnatist is harmed during the removal and circumamalgamation of the tentacle. A new tentacle simply grows back albeit a smaller size.
tentire.jpg
This requires starting with the larger tires, say 40" X 7" and working down to the smaller ones, as 28" X 2 1/2". Had Hanswallop paid more attention to his diction as well as his size inventory he might have become the "tnediserP" of the company.
Regrettably
Rich
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Tue Oct 06, 2020 9:34 am

This was just found with no explanation. Who does the man on the left remind you of? Not Hen
bear 2.JPG
ry?


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Tue Oct 06, 2020 10:20 am

Fernley Ford was the Tri-Burg area dog catcher for over 50 years.
He caught a lot of these weird dogs. They seemed to come from
nowhere and no one ever claimed them as their own. Zebulon "Zeb"
Wormgear is seen here trying to feed one, hoping to adopt the little
guy, but repeated issues with potty training and destruction of his
home's interior led Zeb to return his rescue dog "Ovum" to Fernley.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue Oct 06, 2020 12:46 pm

Very timely Herb. If we zoom in a bit we can see Fernley's screen side Canine Capture Caravanette.
Fernley.jpg
Note the "Sucktion" tread echoing the theme of the previous tire analysis.
I suspect a Perry Martin body on an earlier chassis with heavy duty springs in anticipation of any colossal mongrels like the one photographed here.
A matching 18 miles an hour and 18 miles per gallon averaged out to 72% efficiency for our gallant best friend incarcerator.
You may recall "Zeb" mentioned in volume XXP of Abigail's writings.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Wed Oct 07, 2020 10:53 am

The secret of Fernley Ford's exceptionally long tenure as dogcatcher was founded on two things: he would never turn down an animal control call regardless of species, and although he did his best to place animals with pet lovers, he ensured the continued demand for his services by simply turning them loose again.

Over the years, Fernley answered calls on coyotes, bobcats, skunks, owls, eagles, moose, buffalo, mice, gerbils, bats, bears, a hyena, once on a kangaroo, and even an elephant. Few people know he was the inspiration for the "Dr. Doolittle" character, though he never claimed to have conversations with any of the animals he dealt with. He did occasionally ask Cuthbert Maddox to interpret for him, however.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Oct 07, 2020 11:05 am

Spiltsberg raised eternal questions:

==================================

"And doth goeth the catcher of dogs
Driven in spirit of the finite awakening
Lifted by the claw and tooth
Like so many that came before
Torn on the waterpump question
At what point of load and hill shall best judgment come
To engage Ruckstell low ?
For the bite of the dog, and those three-inch claws
Causes wonderment for the beast in my stead,
a broken Bendix gear, and a pin let loose, only to
be found later in the oil screen, held in the magnet's radiant embrace !"

=========================

Fernley Ford being represented metaphorically as the magnet.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Oct 07, 2020 12:49 pm

It always astonishes me how the poet can capture the essence of moments as Fernley apprehended the wildlife. Music to the ears, buoyancy to the soul.
The story of his arrest of the dyslexic wombat even reached the Milberg Times. "Saturday, May 25th - Fernley Ford, of the Triberg's Animal Detainment Service, was summoned to the scene of a disturbance behind the Planetarium at 05:40. Several beakers of shredded mushroom had been overturned and a flagon of asparagus devoured. Following tracks through the lilacs led the functionary to the porch of Mildred Spixlewittz's shanty on Mortimer Creek. There he witnessed a full grown male wombat playing hopscotch on the "Welcome" grid although in reverse order. Turning the containment net inside out he made several swipes at the marsupial. One lunge broke a less than stable step on the tread board and Fernley fell fast banging his forehead on the stoop. When he regained his posture temporary amnesia had overtaken him and he believed himself to be a "Baldwin,s" nervous pill salesman."
While this is not an endorsement for the remedy, it was advertised to relieve Hysteria, Disturbed Sleep, Melancholy, Fear, Dread, Neuralgia and Irritability. I have never tried it myself but it seems Uncle Lumby mentioned it did calm his Melancholy and Dread while making him more Irritable. It might be well to consult your physician or pharmacist before taking the pills or in some cases a liquid syrup form of the concoction. (Just my own personal opinion.)
At any Rate "As he knocked of the door Mildred appeared in a silk handpainted Cherry Blossom Kimono with mocking birds arranged in a oval, top to bottom. Asking if she was in need of a medical preparation she said no and invited him in for warm milk and gingerbread. As he was about to enter the wombat nipped at his fibula, shocking him back into his true personage. He snatched the stubby tailed fury gently but firmly by the scrag out of reflex.
A confused Mildred shrieked which woke up her nephew Hamberlink. He had portrayed Kalamity Dick in the 8th grade spring play."
Not a bad performance for a youth of that age with a ingrown left foot.
"Hamberlink emerge from the doorway with a H & B Hillerich & Bradsby 35 inch second growth Hickory baseball bat intending to rescue Mildred from any sort of harm. A passing clergyman had arrived on scene at the same instant. Thinking quickly Mildred yelled STOP. This ceased the impending disaster and all calmed down a bit. The clergyman said a brief prayer, and the wombat began licking Hamberlink's face.
The fivesome found seats on the porch and Midred brough out the warm milk and gingerbread."
The milk was a little ripe but with the near catastrophe subsided nobody was going to mention it.
Fernley seemed to get the job done whenever called on and as mentioned before enjoyed a interminable incumbency.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Thu Oct 08, 2020 2:54 am

For many years, Uncle Lumby took to the stage at the Calhoun County
Fair to give sermon to all listeners about melancholy, fear, and most compellingly,
about dread. Heinrich says notes from hundreds of residents who left such
things to the Institute are compiled in the archives, detailing the soft-spoken
Lumby rising up to an unfamiliar form of moving orator and charismatic teller
of tales.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Thu Oct 08, 2020 8:27 am

As a homage to KD's humor I submit an observation about the above photo. I believe he would have said-
"I wonder how that dog did in the wintertime? He was going around all of the time with bear ears! It's a wonder he didn't catch cold!"
That KD appreciated a good one like that.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu Oct 08, 2020 3:06 pm

That dog did catch cold and suffered from Dread and Neuralgia because of it. It was humorous to everyone but the canine himself. Here is a photo of him with hot water bottle and quilt.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Fri Oct 09, 2020 11:01 pm

The "winter of our discontent" brought hundreds, possibly thousands of those
nasty-tempered dogs into town. Fernley Ford had his hands full keeping the
worst offenders rounded up. It was ultimately Kalamity Dick and Ernie, who
came to Ford's aid with a syrum tranquilizer made from Happy Sally concentrate,
that quelled the influx. We must remember, that this all happened just weeks
after the Funkbunkler Rebellion was put down by Argostinian trailblazers, riding
giant goats. As seen from the Chugwater & Northern bridge over Pispacattiquatti-
-mauken Ave., we see the C&N yards and depot at left and many townsfolk have
turned out to see the Argostinians ride in to put an end to the nonsense that the
entire Tri-Burg area had grown quite weary of. Also of note, the lunch trolley tracks,
just to the left of the goat-riding column. MajGen Waxbury Mulhoon was in command
of the 3rd Battalion.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Oct 10, 2020 11:46 am

The Toggenburgs were fine mounts, courageous and determined yet not over confident. The aggregation was quartered in the acres behind the helix mill where adequate watering from Belchers Creek could be enjoyed. A tent was furnished for Ernie to water the troops.
A sequel to Indiana Larkvonnet was written about Mulhoon's campaign but much of the film footage disappeared into goat floss.
Constable Swinetrotter can be seen keeping in step with the dragoons. Obviously a political ploy for the cameras.
Here Lance-Corporal Kohorchly relaxes and ponders strategy for future apprehensions.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Oct 10, 2020 6:42 pm

I believe your photo has been "doctored", Rich. The Argostinians were allergic to
horses, and thusly bred and rode oversized goats, the likes of which have not been
seen before or since. The unit mechanized in 1931 and the entire goat program was
abandoned in place.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun Oct 11, 2020 3:35 am

From that angle it may look like a horse to some. Heck, it may not really look like a Lance-Corporal either. As it doesn't show evidence of sneezing or watery eyes I'll assume it is indeed a goat. Just as Argo was one of the most well recognized stinians, things aren't always as they appear to be. Somewhere I have a phototonic of the 1931 apparatus.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sun Oct 11, 2020 5:27 pm

This recent discussion is fraught with complications. Many of the facts seem to be conradictory, but they are all true nonetheless. Lance Corporal Kohorchly's Christian name was not Lance, although he had a second cousin by that name. The Argostinians were indeed mounted on a special strain of goats, descended from wild capra pyrenaica that were introduced into the southwest by Spanish Conquistadores. Standing 14h3" at the withers, the unique animals were quite indistinguishable from the mustangs their ancestors had shared the range with, save for their preference for tin cans over fodder normally fed to equines. The Argostinians converted to mechanized transport in 1931, but the Argostinian Remount Program remained in force until well into the 1950s.

Heinrich just came up from the vaults with a copy of an entry in Kalamity DIck's 1909 journal on a trip to Central Mexico which indicates a very tenuous connection between KD and the genus capra : September 14, Zapotiltic, Jal., Mex. Huge "fiesta" on the town square this evening, apprently a national celebration. Locals firing off pistols and rifles, troubadores and guitars and dancing, with an open buffet for the entire populace. I'm enthralled by a dish they call "birria". Served with a tomato and chili-pepper sauce on fresh tortillas, it is absolute ambrosia. I overate. urp.

So far, no further mention of "birria" has appeared in the documents, but Sebastian will keep looking. No mention of any such gustatory delight ever appeared on menus from Ernie's nor the Terminal Cafe in that era.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Oct 11, 2020 9:18 pm

Complications have always been a major produce and export commodity
of the Tri-Burg area, and honestly, it is why Kalamity Dick found his niche
work and was always in demand. Without complications, there would be
nothing to write about in this thread ! Heinrich documents both organic
and manufactured complications being produced as early as the Feckler
Party settled in what is now Fecklersburg. Saddlestring was soon to follow.
It was Murphy Feckler that coined the now-famous "Murphy's Law" after the
wheel came off his wire canoe. He was a good friend of the natives, so their
amusement over this incident was all taken in good humor. The legend of the
wire canoe has become lore amongst the indigenous people of the area. Not
much has been said thus farly regarding the Helix Mill's processing and distribution
of consumer-ready complications. Even the Mill has had their fair share. The
C&N spur trackage lists at 4 spurs, with a total of 2,921 feet, to handle 70 cars.
At the retail level, they are now sold in the convenient holiday 12-pack, with
the festive ribbon.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Oct 12, 2020 12:02 pm

“Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are pliable.”
― Mark Twain
Kohorchly2.jpg
Corporal Kohorchly would certainly agree about the complications of gathering thesis matter for these discussions. Shown here on his assigned mount "Presto" he contemplates the days excursion into the Rumor Mill. The reverse Helix was just a rumor and fabricated in Dartmouth Springs just South of Fecklersburg. He had often played with Annie Feckler on the playground when she was in 3rd and 4th grade. He was in 5th. Assumptions were made about the two of them followed by a cold glass of amanatsu and saucer of birria.
Never the less, when KD returned from Central Mexico he had concluded that capra was if fact not a genius at all. Gustatory was not always a delight and Zapotiltic had holes in his stockings. He too was criticized for these assumptions but further study proved him beyond statutorious.
I suggest we continue the quest of finding that common sense will triumph over the Facts.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Mon Oct 12, 2020 11:35 pm

Like the Pythagorians, the Argostinians fespered in the husbandry of unusual
animals. Allergies aside, the creative inspiration they drew from the odd critters
was likened to the thrill of a warm beer or an in-bound rocket, depending on the
way the wind blew at any given moment. Annie Feckler later took the name "Little
Annie Oakleaf", as part of her stage persona. She had found professional sponsorship
from the Rumor Mill, scouring the western hemisphere for septic peptides and evuncular
travesties, the likes of which proved to be of high interest to the Rumor Mill management
after the Nutmeg Incident. She and Kalamity Dick supped under a Mexican moon on the
heavenly birria. A song was written about it, but never translated into Pythagorian.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Oct 14, 2020 4:27 pm

It was pleasing to hear of "Little Annie Oakleaf". After searching through the terpsichorean portmanteau Wilbur found this commemorative from the Flagatorian theater in Puddlesberg.
Annie.jpg
Wilber is not normally employed at the Institute but offered to fill in for Heinrich whenever his cosmetics require him elsewhere. At 5'-5 and 210 lbs. brownish gray hair and freckles he is sometimes mistaken for Rutherford although he usually wears genuine full grain cowhide leather loafers rather than the gray, white tipped sneakers with the blue star in the center that Rutherford prefers. Rutherford is a good 4" taller too so if you meet them in the hallway you will know.
Interestingly to me, Annie did not ever use nutmegs in her appearances.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Oct 14, 2020 10:35 pm

Whenever she was feeling small, Annie liked to retreat to the back porch and
watch the world go by.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Oct 16, 2020 2:22 pm

And what a world it was out there. She could amuse herself in day dreams of sugar plumbs and daffodils or just watch the wind sway the wheat in the field. Sometimes a chipmunk would come up to the porch for a cracker or a mockingjay would lite on the rail.
AnieEl.jpg
She chatted up a storm when Mr. McFeely would stop by with a delivery. If his carburetor was coughing he would let her help clean it. It was a Holley Model G and sometimes the strangling tube wasn't strangling. You know how they are.
Yes, life on the prairie was quiet and relaxing. Little did she know how her life would change.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Fri Oct 16, 2020 10:51 pm

Those enormous tusked dogs are amazing. They still come around the Upper Terrace to
eat fruit off the pickle trees when the season is right. The guys still tease Heinrich for
bringing home a small one as a child, ... hiding it under his bed so his Mother would not
find it. Well, things kind of came "unraveled" with that plan, and Heinrich had to probosculate
the mung tasters, lest he be found out. It was the well known "secret" of everyone in Calhoun
County and a fond and favorite tale of all. Still is.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Fri Oct 23, 2020 10:53 am

1898 was the beginning of a bad era for some residents in the upper Chugwater,
when the 30-year dirt shortage began. Cyrus Bunx led the initial push to rescue
those in trouble with badly needed dirt. Grunda Fulpants and the Uvula League
did a lot of fundraising and public awareness work all across the Tri-Burg area. It
wasn't until 1931 that the emergency was officially declared to be under control.
Here we see an early effort to bring relief to those in need. Heinrich says this shot
was taken near Skookumchuck Flats in 1902, noting it must be September, as all the
dingleberries have all been picked, but the monkberry pickers are still enroute in
the purple buses.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Oct 23, 2020 12:38 pm

Tough times for sure. I know Kalamity Dick's parents were dirt poor. They sometimes had to dig several feet down to hit dirt.
It's good to see that photo. Elwood, holding the shovel, grew farkle beans on the Skookumchuck Flats between the holidays. Prices were down but it kept him in trousers and hair balm.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Fri Oct 23, 2020 1:09 pm

The crew seen here came to be known as "the Fling Team", able to distro the
desperately needed soil a full "whoop" or "holler" from the track. The members
were fit as fiddles, and performed interpretive native dance for the public as
part of the Uvula League's fundraising events. They also did free performances
at the Home for Unwed Deputies and other charitable caregiving residence facilities.
Many tried to become part of this elite team, but few had what it took, or were
willing to take the vows of soils study and conservation. It was dirty work, but
there was lots of exercise, fresh air, and monkberry moon delight, .... not to
mention getting preferred seating at Ernie's during the lunch trolley rush.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Fri Oct 23, 2020 4:18 pm

The "Fling Team" tried to recruit new members on occasion but the ad agency they hired to entice people to join was a big mistake as their ad campaign
had the main headline as "Join Our Team and Soil yourself" and the other one was "Soil Yourself for Fun and Profit" . The agency did strike a deal with "Ollie's Discount Out Houses" to purchase the remaining ads and raise enough money to refund the Fling Team.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Oct 24, 2020 2:34 pm

Among them was Shmiffleborn Larkvonnet, one of the parallel attitude Larkvonnets, who continued to "whoop" his own soil well after the shortage ended. The activity had kept him as fit as a fiddle into his 90's.
Shmiffleborn.jpg
Ernie dubbed him "Strapping Shmiffle' " as he could lift one end of the bar counter while Ernie swept under it. This earned the digger his own bottle of Happy Sally and any loose change, tiddlywinks or stray teeth that emerged from the sweeping.
He also soiled himself cleaning the afore mentioned privies for Ollie and at the prescribed discount.
Had it not bin for the interpretive dancing for the Unwed Deputies he never would have met officer DoHinkie's Daughter Jodippity. The two wedded under the bridge on 8th Street between trains and recorded 62 years of Holy Deadlock. Their Daughter Moose appeared as an extra on the first Lawrence Welk program.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Sat Oct 24, 2020 4:00 pm

I think we are on the edge of a dirt shortage again Burger. I just purchased 5 loads. I would like to know the dirt on the price.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Oct 25, 2020 2:24 am

Unlike today's synthetic soils, back during the Great Dirt Famine, the desperately
needed soil had limited sourcing. The Nutmeg Incident had closed off all imports,
leaving few options but to produce it locally using the castings off the Uvula process.
On the upside, it was discovered that the Pythagorians has developed a method of
confirming square, or right angles, and it was through this process that the Uvulation
castings process was doubled in output. You will often today hear the term "square
foot/yard" and it's extension, the "cubic foot/yard", harkening back to those august
Pythagorian days of yore. It is best you not take your modern convenience of ordering
up a few loads of dirt for granted. The sweat and tears of the entire Tri-Burg area
owe the dirt bebeath their feet to the hard work and commitment of the few. Heinrich
told a reporter from the Worm Meat Growers Association that Kalamity Dick had his
own part in the rescue, and will post the story on his bulletin board as soon as he can
type it up.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun Oct 25, 2020 1:02 pm

Many of those cubic yards were augmented with as much as 12% hypotenuse droppings. The Pythagorians were known to use everything but the squawk and KD's Sister made leg warmers out of those. Thrift ran rampant in the Valley and sold for 88¢ a bundle. 68¢ if you showed your scaffolding card.
Malcom Hydronox described the Uvula process as Industrial Yodeling paired with corduroy from steel wool. That didn't explain the Northern Offset but was accepted by League of Loam.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Oct 25, 2020 11:41 pm

A lot of exciting talk here. Leg warmers, thrift, scaffold cards, and of course,
the Industrial yodeling. Kalamity Dick was far too modest to be involved with
the latter, but he did engineer the stone gutters on Knob Hill to stop the erosion
and save dirt wherever possible.

KDgutter.jpg

Seen from the headworks of the Helix tower, we see the sink hole/pond at Old
Man Winter's place and the lawn circle that so many people talk about, even today.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Mon Oct 26, 2020 12:14 pm

Discussion of the great dirt famine takes us back to one of the first posts in this topic, October 5, 2018, which shows a photo of Cuthbert Maddox working at the site of his soil manufacturey. Maddox first began the enterprise as a used oats facility, but demand was low in spite of a continuing steady supply. When the dirt shortage first began, he concentrated his efforts on producing high quality soil. Although limited in quantity, Maddox was able to soil himself and his close neighbors throughout the emergency. The extra mushrooms were a byproduct profitable enough to keep him in Happy Sally.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Oct 26, 2020 1:08 pm

One drawback to the lawn circles was when they tilted. Folks could lose change, Chicklets or even a bottle of their favorite beverage it them. Things in the Tri-burgs weren't always on the level.
Alawn.jpg
That was a fine photo of Cuthbert Maddox. My, has it been two years?
I suppose that's all mushrooms under the bridge now.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Tue Oct 27, 2020 1:26 am

I was speaking with Enid Böekmueller the other day. I am sure
everyone knows that Enid's Greatgrandfather Värtspeukel founded
the Southern Comfort Burlap Undergarment Works, that still occupies
the Böekmueller Block, at the foot of Pispacattiquattimawken Avenue.
Heinrich concurs with Enid's assertion that Värtspeukel was the inspiration
for the original screenplay of Man Without Burlap, done at 78rpm.

Ironically, Värtspeukel himself credited Indiana Larkvonnet as his inspiration
for using burlap in the first place. Both were big fans of Happy Sally and
dodging lawn circles during the Solstice. At the 3rd annual event, the two
competed as a 3-legged team, sweeping all six classes against a stiff field
of seasoned racers. It is also of note that the two also favored the No.2
Burrito Combo at Manuel's Taco & Mattress Shack, on 3rd, next to the fountains.
When asked about the dirt shortage, both declined comment, citing contract
obligations with the studio.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Nov 01, 2020 9:17 pm

During the Dirt Famine, Kalamity Dick was doing independent contract work
with the Tri-Burg War Authority on perfecting his idea of a transwongulator.
By the late 20's, he had a functional system working on Mount Stinkmore, where
he built the original station in 1912. The tower and antenna was particularly
complex, because the wong waves caused growth disruption with the mushroom
moss, unless shielded with a corona septifier. The Mushroom Moss Commission
worked directly with KD to isolate the problem and develop a solution.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Nov 02, 2020 1:59 pm

The Dirt Famine took it's toll on the station on Mount Stinkmore. This later photo shows some erosion below the building itself.
StationLater.jpg
A wire was sent to Toronto for the Loam Ranger. He was the foremost authority on earth. Many knew him for his sod off shotgun and silver bullets.
Busy as he was with Clay and Humus, his faithful sedimentarians, the transwongulator experimentation intrigued him enough to visit the cantonment. The Commission gladly paid for his time but questioned his mask.
The highlight of his visit was riding with KD in the Runabout over the rugged terrain.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Mon Nov 02, 2020 2:08 pm

Are those well done mushroom cakes from Ernies holding up the station?

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Nov 02, 2020 2:36 pm

That's an interesting question Dallas. They certainly are well done. In fact it was Weldon Fishtackler who delivered them. It's hard to tell if they are from Ernie's or not.
Oddly enough, a spare Happy Sally storage room at Ernie's was expropriated to make the cakes and was laughingly called the Mush Room. It became confusing to the Loop Saloon boys from Blattsville. Their Mush Room was for gear for the dog sleds. You can imagine the tomfoolery and shenanigans that caused.
I still laugh whenever I think about it.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Mon Nov 02, 2020 4:20 pm

Im still laughing Rich! :lol: I bet the Loam Ranger wasnt laughing as he had a dirty job. :roll:

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Mon Nov 02, 2020 6:48 pm

Wasn't aunt Lindy the one who knitted all the mushroom caps? She didn't want their tops to get cold.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Nov 02, 2020 7:24 pm

It was Aunt Lindy. She had flown in from St. Louis and folks said "That's the Spirit". She always was Lucky. :lol:
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Tue Nov 03, 2020 12:49 am

Did Uncle Lumby ever fly with Aunt Lindy ?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue Nov 03, 2020 12:21 pm

Sadly Knot. Like trains passing in the night, by the time he got to St. Louis she had flown to Blattsville. However the romance that could have been was portrayed in love scene in "Man Still without Burlap". Mary Creamhower's performance got an Emmy nomination but no statuette. The Barlow sister's song appeared later on the Supertone label. Skippy carved another notch on this folding canvas chair and went back to Clydesdale.
That being said, it didn't stop Uncle Lumby from having some very rewarding encounters with other lovely ladies.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Tue Nov 03, 2020 1:45 pm

Smedley Knott was the engineer on that train. He went to work on the railroad after his homestead venture failed. Everyone in the Basin was aware of "Knott's Barely Farm". Rembrandt Larkvonnet wrote a script that Skippy enthused over, titled "Burlap Seatcovers" but Mary Creamhower refused the part she was offered saying it made her itch.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue Nov 03, 2020 7:01 pm

Did we hear her right?
There is quite a difference between "Making her itch" and "Making her rich".
ich
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Tue Nov 03, 2020 7:09 pm

Hmmm. Good point. We may never know. Her incredible success as an actress made Mary Creamhower fabulously wealthy. She may well have objected to yet another of Skippy's blockbuster movies putting her into a higher tax bracket ?
We'll never know, I guess. Meantime, the script for "Burlap Seatcovers" is available in the Institute's lending archives section for anyone who enjoys an entertaining read.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Tue Nov 03, 2020 10:03 pm

Deputy Doolittle was in the drugstore the other day, and was talking about
an actress named Mary Screamhowler. I am pretty sure this was just someone
getting the name wrong, but maybe not ? It was the first time I ever heard it.

Nextdoor at Fergler's Hardware, Ernie Fergler was offering left-handed screen
doors for the price of the right-hand swing examples. Ernie carries on the family
tradition his grandfather Felix laid down, when he opened the store in 1902.
Felix' brother Furd, of course, opened the Ford Garage in Fecklersburg. Furd's
Fords expanded in 1918 to be the first Socony station west of Pickleton. While
everyone is familiar with the Furd's Fords jingle, many don't know that the little
ditty they hear on radio and TV today actually began in 1921. The pelvic scene
in Burlap Seatcovers was filmed in the holding yard out back of the service area.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu Nov 05, 2020 5:57 pm

It's possible "Screamhowler" was a knick-name given to her after filming the pelvic scene. It certainly woke up the cat.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Fri Nov 06, 2020 12:17 am

Furd Fergler also had a silent partnership with Helmet Brand in a Luncheon Beef
operation on the headwaters of Scab Creek. The original plan was to raise Luncheon
Pork, but when the demand and price for hog's blood pudding went through the roof,
they spun that business off to the New York Larkvonnet syndicate, and continued
on with the beef. Brand was a humorous sort, and a bit of a marketing man. He
put the entire herd in helmets as a publicity stunt - helmets designed by none other
than Kalamity Dick - and when sales immediately picked up, he knew he had a winner.
Duke Fitzellwitz wrote and recorded the Cow Helmet 2-Step with Harry Organs and
Grunda Fulpants, putting their ever popular Furd's Fords dealership jingle on the B-side.
Both were very popular with the kids on Pispacattiquattimauken Avenue all through
the war years, up to, but not including the time the ocean froze over and everyone
went ice skating and eating tomatoes off the vine. Kalamity Dick told Duke's son
Schnürt, that he had never had so much fun. Except that one time.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Nov 06, 2020 1:51 pm

An interesting side note, Kalamity Dick tried to fine tune the helmets at the Mount Stinkmore location where his Katifrazzle extrictor was. Flux rays from the antenna bounced off the helmets and into the septifier. Noxious fumes and loud screeching occurred. At first it was though to be Mary Screamhowler arriving but no limousine pulled into the driveway. The station was evacuated until the critters wandered off. By then much of the moss had curddled and even more dirt had dematerialized.
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Fitzellwitz sang about the aftermath but it was never put on wax.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Tue Nov 10, 2020 1:08 am

The typically mild mannered Kalamity Dick was steamed pretty good over that
screeching sound and the noxious fumes. According to Dunsworth Dinwiddy, yard
tender and locomotive hostler at the Mill, Kalamity took both the extricator and
septifier back to the Buckwalter place, placed them along the fence line, and covered
them in a tarp until after the Nutmeg Incident tensions eased. The fine tuned land-
-scaping we see in the yard suggests the herd was spending a fair bit of time there.
In spite of it, Buckwalter kept the car out there for easy access.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue Nov 10, 2020 6:28 pm

Yeah, according to Uncle Lumby the car was a '23. It had a low cowl, hood and radiator yet the slanted windshield. No flare on the front fenders and no splash apron, just the narrow strip.
I'm Thinking it may have been a Ford too.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Nov 11, 2020 11:15 am

Not a lot of people talk about the narrow strippers these days. Chugwater area civic and
church folks got quite up in arms when Rasmus Elbowgärd opened the Narrow Strip Club
out along the highway. In spite of the protests, it remained a popular venue for years.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Wed Nov 11, 2020 12:04 pm

Elbowgard was a true innovator. He built the Narrow Strip Club from three boxcars cut in half and placed end-to-end along the Basin Highway just south of Chugwater. Closing off the open sides with plate glass windows, passing traffic could enjoy the floor show from the road. Entering the club, patrons lined up single file for drinks, conversation and entertainment. Elbowgard is credited with inventing line dancing, the only form the Narrow Strip Club could accommodate. Comedians in his burlesque acts delivered nothing but straight lines, the customers providing the punch lines as they passed by. Another Elbowgard first was the invention of the strip-tease, but much more demure than acts that followed in other places. Pretty girls were lined up, and taunted gawking customers with salty comments about bald heads, big noses, unshined shoes and such-like. True to the flavor of the Narrow Strip Club, often the girls' costumes would feature bare midriffs, but nothing more revealing.

Elbowgard gave full credit to Henry Ford for inspiring his "moving assembly line" approach to the night club scene. Patronage fell off sharply after WW II, as returning vets felt they had already spent too much time standing in line while in the service, and opted for other venues. Ernie's Saloon enjoyed a huge increase in trade at that time. The Narrow Strip Club closed for good in the fall of 1946. Elbowgard's heirs sold the building in 1954 to a concern that raised Burmese Pythons for the Florida trade.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Nov 11, 2020 6:47 pm

This brings up the story of when Filagree and O'Dell got the contract to pin-stripe the entire aggregation of wagons and circus vans for the Ringling Brothers. They knew it was exceedingly more than the two of them could manage. An advert placed in the Laramie Daily Sentinel mis-spelt "Exotic Strippers Wanted" instead of "Exotic Stripers Wanted". When 17 lovely ladies showed applied and no painters there was only one thing to do. They were hired and actually did wonderful work. Bleachers were set up on the backlot as many fellows paid to watch them work. As the day warmed the gals shed clothing to keep from overheating.
While rumors of these outrageous entertainers in other locals flourish, these damsels were very well behaved and caused no problems. Ma Dribblez said they were the most polite guests her rooming house had ever had. One of them coincidently went by the name "Little Annie Oakleaf".
Elbowgard complained a lot during the endeavor as it cut into his enterprise but the boys dubbed him narrow minded. At completion of the stripe fest some of the girls signed on with Ringling. The Narrow Club regained it's ground and all were happy except for Ma Dribblez.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Wed Nov 11, 2020 8:40 pm

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu Nov 12, 2020 4:58 pm

That's right Herb. There was a ventriloquist who preformed at the Narrow Strip Club between dancers. He also taunted the customers. He was shorter than the dummy so the audience was often confused. Later he stayed on to help raise the Burmese Pythons. Strangely he disappeared in 1957.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Thu Nov 12, 2020 6:26 pm

Even stranger were multiple reports from the Everglades in the late 1950's of a talking python.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Thu Nov 12, 2020 10:24 pm

During the Depression, areas known as Hooverglades were a prime source
of pythons. The Tri-Burg area had no less than seven.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Nov 14, 2020 12:28 am

Erlich von Meunsterhausen was, in fact, Pythagorian by birth, and
used his God-given talents to advantage around the Hooverglades in
the python business. From singing romantic reptilian ballads to aid
in the breeding process, to perfecting the python guano distro cart
with Kalamity Dick, Meunsterhausen was a legend in the industry.
which, of course, was directly tied to supplying the moss beds with
nitrogen-rich guano, much to the benefit of both the industry AND
consumers, but the production of his cart kept the entire Shop A in
three-shift production at the Helix mill for two generations. Besides
being a regular companion and consumer of Happy Sally with KD, he
was an ardent supporter of the Home for Unwed Deputies, often giving
away free pythons during the holidays.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Nov 14, 2020 1:21 pm

Kalamity Dick often found himself singing along with the romantic reptilian ballads. At one point his large bow tie got snarled in the cog belt and he was nearly strangled and sucked into the works of the dispersers. The machinery pummeled python guano into his whiskers and coiffure and his wonderful topper became moss mulch. Erlich was quick with the snips and extricated the wizard from the gadgetry. It took abundant scrubbing with Sapolio Soap and promise of a Mockingjay liver sandwich to restore the casualty to his senses.
The Pythagorean interpretation of von Meunsterhausen is home of the scary snake cheese.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Sat Nov 14, 2020 2:04 pm

KD got this photo by saying cheese to the snake.
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It's the only close reference I could find in the archives.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Nov 15, 2020 7:43 pm

Heinrich happened by in his surrey today, while on his Sunday tourabout.
He related his amusement and interest in the close call had by KD and the
guano cart. He said this led to some reading, where he found several items
related to the KD/Meunsterhausen working partnership.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue Nov 17, 2020 11:53 am

Cubed for the Pythagorean trade no doubt.
Waltham Larquvonnet wore a coreset under his 3-piece habiliment. He felt it not only made him handsome and healthy but contained any outward condensation of ingested Happy Sally giving a longer period of enjoyment. Restricting his breathing, he often passed out on the Trolley on his way home from Ernie's.
I suppose we take the bitter with the sweet.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Nov 18, 2020 12:47 am

"Larquvonnet" is Piscynthean for "cubing", or "cubist" in noun form. Both
cubing and the cubists proved to be very popular around the Upper Terrace
and along the Lunch Trolley line. The restriction of breathing, combined with
the readily available Happy Sally, was also very popular, as documented in this
tome. It is no wonder Kalamity Dick had a hand in the corset trade and found
his place at the engineering table with the greatest minds. Meunsterhausen
provided the python guano and balladeering, so needed during those heady times.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Nov 20, 2020 1:04 pm

Balladeering on the trolley was said to be three times as loud coming from Ernie's as going. This may have led to some of the restricted breathing. Also some of the hard of hearing, I say HARD OF HEARING that occurred on return trips.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Fri Nov 20, 2020 6:33 pm

Astute history buffs following this thread will be certain to notice that's Waltham Larkvonnet front and center with his trusty Raliegh Fly-By-Night in both of the above photographs. Also of interest is the bulletin which was painted on the south wall of Alonzo Halverstam's drug store in Saddlestring, advising patrons to buy their drugs in Shreveport. Halverstam's had an exceptionally fine soda fountain and a full stock of sundries, but never employed a pharmacist nor sold medications of any kind. Always a ready wit, when annoyed customers demanded to know why there was no medicine to be had in his drugstore, Alonzo would quip, "I was just kidding about the drugs. Here - have a gumdrop !"

As a result, Waltham made the run between Saddlestring and Shreveport many times on his trusty bike, usually in emergency situations such as the time Aunt Granny Fungerspoon ran out of laudanum. Waltham Larkvonnet was widely known in the Basin as an angel of mercy, but I forget who remembers that now.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Nov 21, 2020 1:21 am

Reading various local periodicals from the Tri-Burg area, it is not unusual
to find mention that the Fungerspoon clan had run out of laudenum. And
they weren't the only ones. Just the one's of greatest notariety. Fungerspoon's
ran the old country store, where Pedee Creek crossed the road to Silver Plume.
Kalamity Dick never went by without stopping for vanadium chips and a soda.
And of course, the chance to hear any news from up the Pedee Creek drainage.
The railroad shops just to the west ensured a fairly regular supply of laudenum,
but the Hoonian grammar prospectors working up on the headwaters of the
Pedee bought up just about every piece the Fungerspoons brought in. This
annoyed KD, as it slowed the timing on the overhead dials and meant that a
phone call had to be made to the Helix Mill to verify the counting. No one who
knew KD at all didn't have a firm understanding of how much Kalamity Dick
hated recalibrating the vacuum repeaters and going through the tedious reset
process of the pulsers.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Nov 21, 2020 12:20 pm

Halverstam's drug store was one of Mary Creamhower's favorite spots. She loved an Egg Cream Phosphate while going over the pulser reports.
Halverst.jpg
Yes, that is Joelean Fungerspoon having the Canary Island Special with Havoline sauce. The two often met for treats before their Escalado lessons.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Nov 21, 2020 2:21 pm

Learning the ways of the Escalado was a rare privilege for the few that had
the natural talent and made "the cut" with the few Masters that remained.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Nov 22, 2020 1:25 am

While Escalado is a secret art, and the community tight, most know that it found
its modern roots in the mushroom moss beds of the upper Chugwater. In an article
in Pahrump by Daylight, Oct. 1927 issue, Aneuse Ledbetter said that the Masters of
Escalado carried forth the traditions of secrecy and down-to-earth principles by doing
their craft at the most organic level. And thusly it was decided to work in the moss
beds as a way to find Escaladian harmony and do so away from the prying eyes of the
Tri-Burg paparazzi. As a result, photos are hard to find.

This 1919 photo was taken under the ruse of inspecting the telephone lines, but it
captures Escaladians in the trenches at lower left, while the moss harvesters do their
work in the background. It was a perfect plan, as no one ever suspected. They hid
perfectly in plain sight.

escalado.jpg
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Rich Eagle
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun Nov 22, 2020 3:56 pm

Looking closer at the lower left of the photo I believe I see the Farkuss brothers tilling some mulch. Fenway, just right of Jeb, took up mossraking to evade service in the Carp Legion.
Farkuss.jpg
Growing up on the north side of Plattsville the boys got involved with a hamster kidnapping ring. Many narrow escapes from the constabulary was documented in the novel "Rodentia by Night" by Stevehammer Von Cluetsky. It was a best seller for six months on the Opus Exchange.
Clem, the one with the moss rake, dated Mary Creamhower's Aunt Flow and is how I recall the trio.
They had stowen away on a shrimp wagon to the Tri Burg area during the rainy season.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Nov 22, 2020 9:11 pm

Can you zoom in on the Escaladians ? A most fascinating story.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Mon Nov 23, 2020 11:09 am

The photo two frames above illustrates the perfection of the Escalado, as it embodies its two most prominent features: cats and scalding water, implied by the heavy, protective clothing. In practice, adherents were modestly attired, and reduced to such essentials as mud and sticks, as the subsequent photos show.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Nov 23, 2020 1:04 pm

Dudley worked for over 15 minutes trying to enhance the action. Cleverly, the Escaladians performed their stratagem using the power cables as concealment or behind enemy lines if you will.
Escal.jpg
That being said, the wagons carrying the scalding water are quite clear. Even the deceptive slogan "No Scalding Water Here" can be effortlessly observed.
For more on the tournaments and particularly the sacred mud stick, check out "Escalibur and the Magic Boulder" By C. J. Vaunitklark.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Mon Nov 23, 2020 2:00 pm

Rich Eagle wrote:
Mon Nov 23, 2020 1:04 pm
. . .
For more on the tournaments and particularly the sacred mud stick, check out "Escalibur and the Magic Boulder" By C. J. Vaunitklark . . .
Right you are, Rich. Interestingly, popular fiction offers more than a few accurate accounts of the rituals and tenets of the Escaldado brotherhood. Another example readers may enjoy is the vignette of an Escaldado Solstice Tournament which is described in R. J. K. Bowling's popular book, "Harvey Porter and the Half-wit Prince". See pp. 145-230 in chapter XIII.

Although the rituals of the Escaldado are closely guarded secrets, many claim R. J. K. himself was an Escaldado grand worshipful high master.
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