OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

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TXGOAT2
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Fri Jan 07, 2022 4:51 pm

Farkling enthusiasts, being a plucky lot, didn't let the challenge presented by the orchardists, arborists, and woodlot combinations go unchallenged. They resorted to what is now known as grafting to rehabilitate the stunted, spindly and unhealthily modified trees into more natural, healthy, and farkleable ones. Pioneering farkler forays into the woodlands and groves were conducted furtively, usually at night and by lantern or moonlight. However, it wasn't long before arborists began to notice improved overall plant vitality and more robust yields from the surreptitiously farklerized trees amonmg their stock, and having done so, they began to solicit the farklers to modify their trees in return for unlimited farkling privileges. Arborists, foresters, and farklers entered an era of unparalleled amnity and cooperation, with only ocasional dust-ups with gangs of birdwatchers and sign posters interrupting the placidity of the sylvan glades.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Jan 07, 2022 5:21 pm

Farklers and Arborists didn't need to worry as much regarding the clamwarts and hefflewins as did the Zickwhicklers. Overplanting and under soliciting led to wretched fleece and deplorable bootcording. During the dormant season that may have been the case but overall, scarf scrubbing became deliberate as well as annoying.
Zickwhickler.jpg
The entire Glippspitler clan moved out of the county for that very reason.
I would have too.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Fri Jan 07, 2022 6:43 pm

The clan was welcome anywhere that their heirloom hen's egg wine was appreciated. It is said to have originated in the 1300s back in Schleisswig-Holstein during a severe cow shortage.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Fri Jan 07, 2022 7:58 pm

More tree sitting.
tree sitting.JPG

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Jan 08, 2022 8:11 pm

That's a nice example, Herb, of farkling without proper precautions or instruction. The tree simply tips over. Yes, the gals are wearing their safety chapeaus but down into the bluebells they went. Time and time again the Glippspitlers warned us.
Scripelds on for the 12th.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Jan 08, 2022 8:52 pm

George and Gerry Willicker raised those pumice trees all across
the Upper Terrace. The orchards are still there, farmed by the
Willicker family.
More people are doing it today than ever before !


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sun Jan 09, 2022 10:50 am

Ah, the verdant, delicately-scented pumice groves ... is there still a good market for Nitty Gritty?

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun Jan 09, 2022 1:34 pm

Pumice harvesting and sorting was always looked forward to by the early Willickers. In the later years those still able to Willick considered it more uninteresting and mindless. Perhaps it was less "Picnic" like and with out the rides to market in the Model T or the Graham Brother's juggernaut became old hat. Uncle "Spindly" wasn't there to tell the old stories of rat hunting a piddleball games.
Pumice.jpg
As the old clock on the wall gets noisy and pieces fall off I don't question their lack of fervency.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sun Jan 09, 2022 5:29 pm

Old clocks can shed roaming numerals. Stepping on one of those in the while barefoot in the dark will put a spring in your step.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sun Jan 09, 2022 6:44 pm

Kalamity Dick dabbled with all sorts of minor engineering problems when he took a fancy. One such was to put springs in the instep of his boots. Coincidentally, clock springs gave the best results. Fancy worked upstairs in Ernie's Saloon, but there's no connection. KD was always roamin' around the basin, when he had time for it.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Mon Jan 10, 2022 2:42 am

Keeping one's step spring spritely is best done with pumice vapors.
Another Kalamity Dick discovery/invention.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Jan 10, 2022 7:18 pm

I took a minute while I had time on my hands to do some spring cleaning. There were some second hand main springs in with the second hand minute hands. Many of the numerals on the face were facing away from the minute hand. Taking a second look I could see the main reason was a number of numerals were sprung. Face it, they were second hand numerals too. Boy, was my face red. I sprung for some new numerals so our clock would have that up to the minute look.
Time to go.
Rich
TickTalk.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Mon Jan 10, 2022 7:41 pm

I see the problem; it is too early for spring cleaning. You might have to do it all over later.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Mon Jan 10, 2022 8:15 pm

Maybe not, Herb. A clean spring is where you want to drink. Cuthbert always made it a point to drink upstream from the herd, no matter who they were. He applied this principle when attending festivities at Ernie's Saloon as well. This attention to detail kept him, and KD too, healthy through the outbreak of hoof-in-mouth disease in 1919. Heathcliffe Spoondraggle was not so fortunate. Heedless of Cuthbert's warnings, he succumbed the following spring when the buckles of his galoshes could not be extricated from his bridgework.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Mon Jan 10, 2022 8:18 pm

A full new numeral refurbishment should have you doing hand springs. A well-regulated clock is attuned to the heartbeat of the Universe.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Tue Jan 11, 2022 9:27 am

Well put Rich B. I hadn't considered that. There is so much to learn, that is why I come to this site.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Tue Jan 11, 2022 11:25 am

Thanks for the kind words, Herb. Your support and continued interest is what keeps the Institute and our tireless research staff striving to uncover and record new material, and maintain the high standards of scholarship set forth by our predecessors.

Back to the subject of clocks and such, Bartholomew discovered a file on Gaylord Rumpole (pictured) a watchmaker in Medicine Bow who supplied practically all of the time pieces used in Calhoun County in the early days. Employing a design modification discovered by KD, his movements eliminated the customary escapement/balance wheel arrangement. Free-wheeling watches and clocks recorded hours and days in just a few minutes of real time. Most historians agree this aspect of perceiving time is largely responsible for the massive industrial accomplishments and technological advancements in the basin in that era. Even in the UK, the Royal Horological Society agrees that by 1896, it was 1948 in the Tri-burgs. As the old saying goes, fiction can be stranger than truth !
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue Jan 11, 2022 1:01 pm

And who doesn't remember the horrors of those galoshe buckles. Terrors in the night waking from dreams of getting nose, ears, tongues and lips caught in the action of the ill-designed clasps.
Galoshez.jpg
When Zebulon Klampit invented the 4-hole latch-over clasp he had no idea of the curse he unleashed on the world. He died one of the richest but most despised fastener contriver in Belvisburg despite his great Uncle Geppetto.
Indeed, This site owes a tremendous debt of gratitude to all contributors. Without such insight things would have no doubt remained ubiquitously the same.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Tue Jan 11, 2022 6:46 pm

Snakes snakes. Why does it always have to be snakes?
snake pit.JPG
I do think KD was a contemporary of Indiana Jones. Perhaps this photo from the archives is an explanation of Indi's aversion to snakes.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Tue Jan 11, 2022 8:54 pm

Heinrich is having trouble with the new computerized search system. He asked for "snakes / KD / Indiana Jones" and got this image, tagged "skunks / ID / Irmintrude Jarvis". We'll try again tomorrow after the telephone company removes the squirrel nest from the winternet cable. No loss, Irmintrude and her skunk are certainly worthy of further research.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Wed Jan 12, 2022 12:55 am

That's all newel to me.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Wed Jan 12, 2022 10:34 am

Is that an electric catfish creeping up onto the newel?


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Thu Jan 13, 2022 2:23 am

Irmintrude Jarvis was none other than Eric Burdon in another life.
With manly face and hands, lacking bust, and petticoats to disguise
a non-present feminine figure, it was Eric who told the crowds at
Monterey, "It's an American dream, ... includes Indians too !"
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu Jan 13, 2022 11:57 am

Going back to Herb's photo reminds me of Bernard Vendchild. Living in the hills above Chugwater he collected all manner of reptiles. Those in the photo of course are Vendchild vipers.
Then there were the two skunks who went to church and sat in their own pew. They didn't have a sent to put in the collection plate but bowed their heads when the revenure said "Let us spray".
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Fri Jan 14, 2022 11:26 am

Tonto Larkvonnet, inventor of the elliptical bow, was known in the Basin as "Indiana Larkvonnet". Far from having an aversion to snakes, he was able to charm almost all species of serpents, and was an early proponent of "milking" rattlesnakes. There was little interest in daily deliveries, but rattlesnake cheese was a popular bar snack at Ernie's Saloon for a while in the early 'teens. Tonto himself never partook of any dairy products. He always carried a hip flask of Happy Sally, as he said, "In case of snake bite." He also carried a small snake. The archive photo of Tonto shows him in his salad days.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Jan 14, 2022 2:06 pm

It's good to see him looking so well in that Photo Rich.
Not to be confused with or maybe inspired by the film. You may remember many of the action sequences were filmed on the old Maddox properties.
IndyVonnet.jpg
As a boy, Dagwood Larkvonnet, attempted to rid the Helix Mill back lot of quackgrass and yellow toadflax while fending off the Farkus Twins and their black-hearted pranks.
The elliptical bow was a paradigm which equal 20¢. Yet with inflation one would never know.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Fri Jan 14, 2022 3:40 pm

Cuthbert allowed the movie company to use his south pasture on the promise they would eradicate the cheapgrass and purple spurgeon that annoyed his sheep. The film's producer figured most viewers wouldn't know it wasn't quackgrass and yellow toad flax anyway. The livliest action shots were filmed while Satan, Cuthbert's Great Pyrenees livestock guardian dog chased the film's cast around that quarter section. Satan's protective instincts were no doubt triggered, owing to the fact the director was once arraigned on a charge of pedometry.

Photo shows Ernie negotiating with the Farkus twins outside his Saloon in Medicine Bow. Ernie calculated the cost of paying them "protection" against the damages that might ensue, if they brought their destructive pranks into the barroom. Most Tri-burg folks who knew them agreed their bad temper arose from the fact that facial hair notwithstanding, they really didn't look very much alike.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Fri Jan 14, 2022 4:23 pm

The wet spot on the boardwalk is most likely proof that only paying customers were allowed to use the restroom inside the saloon. His "bladder matter" was caused by him riding his steel pogo pony to the photo shoot which we see tied up in the forefront.
The case we see next to the pogo pony that everyone thought was a camera case turned out to be the first 12 pack carry out case.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Fri Jan 14, 2022 5:40 pm

In later years, after the Second World War, Big Shoe made an attempt to replace the powerful, unionized Pedometrists with a radioactive foot measuring device. It turned out better than the shoe interests had hoped, with many customers growing four feet, and thus requiring two pair of shoes. However, Big Shoe's success was short lived. The Citizens For A Bipedal Society hired a powerful group of Washington lawyers and went after Big Shoe with all guns blazing, and the Pedometrists were soon restored to their rightful places in shoe emporiums everywhere. The radiometric devices were seized by the Atomic Energy Commission and moved to Area 54, or so it is said. No one really knows. Big Shoe went into a long decline, and its emaciated remains were eventually sold to China as scrap.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Fri Jan 14, 2022 6:54 pm

One notes that "Big Shoe" sponsored the Ed Sullivan Show in that era.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Jan 16, 2022 12:09 am

It was about that time that Podentalist Eubert Oxnard Rilly bought the
Big Shoe Co., and the name changed to "Rilly Big Shoe".
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Jan 16, 2022 1:33 am

Heinrich reminded all comers at last Tuesday's meeting that Eubert
Oxnard Rilly was the muscle behind Kalamity Dick's work that perfected
the gauze carbolation process. Kalamity Dick was given a 12% stake in
the venture and used the proceeds to fund upkeep on his speedster, the
island getaway at Cattimaloo, his Mexican vestibule factory, helping vets
and survivors of the Nutmeg Incident, and of course, funding of the Home
for Unwed Sheriff's Deputies. He also kept a secret stash of maple surple
on hand, likely paid for out of this as well. Many have asked about the large
sculpture of KD in front of the home there on Pispacattiquauttimawken Ave.,
and this is why.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sun Jan 16, 2022 12:33 pm

Very little is known about KD's vestibule venture south of the border. Under the direction of Venustiano Mariano "El Cholo" Ixtapango, bilingual vestibules became the norm in most of the western hemisphere. Himself a veteran of "El Incidente del Nuez Moscada", El Cholo was impeccably honest to a fault. Once on an inspection tour of the factory, KD asked to see the company ledgers. Offended, Ixtapango uttered the famous line, "Ledgers ? I don't need to show you no steenkin' ledgers !" and resigned on the spot. Things went downhill from there, and curiously, the island sank beneath the sea when the volcano Paricutin erupted. By then, vestibules were out of style anyway. Photo of Venustiano in happier days.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Jan 16, 2022 2:10 pm

Much of the southern vestibule factory history was laid out
earlier in this tome.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sun Jan 16, 2022 4:39 pm

The Southern Vestibule was of limited extent, yet out of that confining and long-contested plot of desert came the wondrous Chamizal Goat Taxi, which brought faster accelleration, higher top speeds, and 65% greater fuel economy to the Lumpen Masses for as little as 5 cents per mile.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Jan 16, 2022 5:40 pm

All true, but Heinrich suggests we all read this epic tome from start to
finish to refresh our memories on what has been written and so quickly
been forgotten !
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Mon Jan 17, 2022 9:14 am

Here is one that I don't remember seeing before. The actual making of Happy Sally. This photo was taken as industrial espionage by one of the Daniels clan.
making happy sally.JPG
Ther must be more to the operation beyond the photo.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Mon Jan 17, 2022 10:39 am

Alois Somzeheimer, KD's fifth cousin (thrice removed - he kept coming back) and a researcher at the Brattlesborough Institute for the Casually Insane wrote many books on the salutory effects of memory loss. One of his theories made a connection between vanadium fumes and moss cultivation. I had a copy of volume one but I don't remember where I put it . . .
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Mon Jan 17, 2022 12:19 pm

Herb, what a great find !! That appears to be the original Still #1, established in the Ozark Hills by Sally Philpott c. 1857. Her product was originally known locally as "Unhappy Sally" owing to her suspicious nature, and inordinate possessiveness of her recipe and methods. Not without good reason, however. The Daniels boys were a sneaky lot who pestered her continually, attempting to spy on her operation. As the photo below clearly illustrates, she gave both revenuers and trespassers short shrift.

Moving West to the Basin in the early 1870s improved her disposition and her fortunes as "Happy Sally" grew to become the near-universal tipple in saloons everywhere, famous throughout the country and beyond.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Mon Jan 17, 2022 1:32 pm

Upon arriving in the Basin in the 1870's, Sally was noted as telling others
that the place was great, except for it's total lack of vestibules. Lord Fauntleroy
not withstanding, Kalamity Dick would later heed the call and set up the factory
across the alley from Ernie's, and the rest is history. The southern factory was
established when demand from south of the border exceeded output in Chugwater.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Jan 17, 2022 3:09 pm

You can see Ernie's fence thru the back window of the podium assembly floor. (vestibule annex) A much younger Mitch Rugmilluns is shown flailing the natzblade. In later years he polished the effluvium columns by hand. Godfrey Daniels worked there during the prodigality shortage.
Vestibulz.jpg
The fellow at back with sleeves rolled up isn't Lipsquiggle Maddox but yes, he could pass for him. Summer was their busiest month.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Mon Jan 17, 2022 4:19 pm

The Annex still reeks sweetly of wood waxes and tree oils. When I got my
first car, this was the first place I wanted to go. I knew they wouldn't let me
in to Ernie's, so the intoxicating scents of furniture finishing is where I set my
sights.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Mon Jan 17, 2022 4:44 pm

Are those the floating podiums that were only made for two months in 1916? Those were the ones with the brass rims, right?


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Mon Jan 17, 2022 5:33 pm

Using KD's patented carbolated gauze for final wipedowns, the finishing crew
often found time for sidework, which for a spell included skin tag removal. For
reasons no one understood, roughly 70% of the podiums became lighter than air
and found themselves covering the Annex ceiling. The Marketing Dept. moved
quickly to capitalize on the phenomenon, and they rapidly sold out. With only
so many with skin tag problems around the Tri-Burg area, business dwindled and
soon the floating podiums ceased to be.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Jan 19, 2022 3:12 pm

Again we find Uncle Lumby using the carbolated gauze to wipe down Winston's tonsils.
Lumby2.jpg
This was two days after one of the floating podiums ceased to float and fell 300 ft. Hitting him on the head kept him in a daze into St. Swithin's Day.
Was that a '17 Burger?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Jan 19, 2022 11:32 pm

Why, yes it was/is !
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Thu Jan 20, 2022 10:10 am

Curiously, after the podium fell, Ambrose, another member of Uncle Lumby's Floating Menagerie took to the skies. Upon studying the phenomenon, KD developed his theory of differential levitation.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Jan 22, 2022 1:31 pm

I want to thankyou, Richard, for mentioning KD's theory of differential levitation. Some at the Ditherwood Exposition suggested his demonstration was smoke and mirrors. He insisted it was mind over matter and didn't really matter.
KDlev.jpg
That Henry Ford asked him to implement it on the assembly line was satisfaction enough for Kalamity Dick. It reportedly saved 4 minutes and 32 seconds of production time. At 5000 cars a day you can do the math. The down side was that only the slow-witted workers were able to achieve the skill and often rear ends were dropped on toes.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sat Jan 22, 2022 3:10 pm

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, neither smoke nor mirrors seemed to work for Cuthbert and his ranch hands. When spring rains washed out the bridge over Belch Creek, the boys figured on using differential levitation to get the commissary wagon up to summer range. Cuthbert totally misunderstood the principle. Not only was a plate-glass mirror dashed to bits at the bottom of the arroyo, but wet greasewood failed to produce an adequate amount of smoke. Clearly, KD's advanced technologies were geared toward the motor age, leaving the old ways pretty much "hung up", as the photograph clearly illustrates.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Jan 24, 2022 2:01 pm

Of coarse Cuthbert didn't realize the gravity of the situation. The same defiance of gravity used with cold, hard steel naturally wooden't work with ligneous wagon parts after lumbering over the bridge. Inherent transnatation likely wood have bin the best alternative. That's all bridges under the water though. It was uplifting to see the Escalation League show up and extricate the Studebaker from it's precarious quandary.
Belch Creek always had a reputation for inviting trouble. Somewhat like the Brumhilda Triangle, poor luck and mystery befell the unwary. Take Jonas Von Quidenfalker's unusual disappearance just 3 days after Saint Swithen's Day. All that was found was a vest and half flask of Happy Sally near Frisbee's Bend. Not even the Psykick's could explain that one.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Mon Jan 24, 2022 4:12 pm

The Quidenfalker disappearance deeply affected Cuthbert, as he himself often felt ill at ease, with a half flask of Happy Sally as he neared Frisbee's Bend, on his way home after closing up Ernie's. He went so far as to employ an expert in the paranormal, whom he referred to as his "Psyche-kick". They were not that close, actually, and Cuthbert did kick him out after a couple of months with nothing more to show than vague theories about a field of inherent transnatation in a locale bounded roughly between Belch Creek, Ernie's Saloon and Cuthbert's ranch. Later researchers studied the phenomena without drawing any factual conclusions, but it's interesting to note the Institute's central campus was officially named "Brumhilda Quadrangle" in 1940.

More about the Escalation League; besides saving Cuthbert's commissary wagon, the League performed many other daring operations which saved life and limb for numerous citizens of the Basin. Sadly, the League was disbanded when funds ran out, just another case of precarious squandery.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Jan 28, 2022 3:24 pm

Most importantly, the League accomplish a monstrous number of extrications and rescues from Chugwater Lake during the Regatta and magnikarp season. Testimonials from many salvaged from it's waters appeared in "Didn't Leave me Drowning Weekly" the May-June addition.
Escal.jpg
Audrey Quidenfalker often was quoted "If only they had patrolled Belch Creek".
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Fri Jan 28, 2022 6:37 pm

Much of Audrey's lament was founded in the misdeeds of the Absquatulation League, a group of ne'er-do-wells who had been rejected by the Spaydaford Gang for not being mean enough. At one point, they drained Belch Creek entirely, putting the stream's contents into barrels. (see photo)

Their nefarious plan was to add enough black-strap molasses, chloroform, shag tobacco and cheap Tabasco sauce to the creek water, and pass it off as "aged in the barrel" Happy Sally. The plan may have worked if they hadn't made the mistake of attempting to sell a barrel of the counterfeit brew to Cuthbert Maddox. His educated palate immediately detected the ruse, and he exclaimed, "This stuff tastes too good to be genuine Happy Sally. I think you owl-hoots are tryin' to pull a fast one. " Drawing his trusty Schofield, Cuthbert detained the evil-doers until Sheriff Dumbrow could arrive from Saddle String. The Absquatulation League escaped however, and left the Basin for good. The tower of barrels stood for some years on the outskirts of Chugwater until it collapsed in an avalanche of barrel staves and polluted water in an unseasonable high wind. Fortunately, thre were no drowning victims, once again owing to the heroics of the Escalation League.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Sat Jan 29, 2022 7:00 pm

yep.JPG


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Wed Feb 02, 2022 11:05 am

Escalation League president, Aloysius Cornbuckle (previous photo) was a phenomenal swimmer, credited with saving sixteen drowning victims single-handed. Having lost his left hand in a fish-dynamiting excursion, he required the help of three other League members to perform the rescues. Wearing his patented underwater vision goggles (shown in the photo) he was able to forsee the depletion of the League's treasury from ten fathoms.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Thu Feb 03, 2022 11:13 am

To regress slightly, here's a photo of Audrey Quidenfalker and the barrel of unadulterated Belch Creek water she kept in her parlor "for old time's sake" as she said.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Feb 04, 2022 2:35 pm

And what is any nicer than "Old Time Sake"? For goodness sake, New Time Sake is nothing like it used to be. It just isn't. Most of us come here for old time sake and the sake of time related to "old". For Henry's sake we apricate the Model T and all it's glory. I'll make this short for time sake.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Sat Feb 05, 2022 8:01 am

It appears to me that one of the un-identified men in the photograph might have partaken of some Happy Sally. Furth research will be necessary as to the particulars of this photo.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Feb 05, 2022 11:52 am

That's a good observation Herb. If we zoom in a little I think I can see why you suspect that. It may be a case of mistaken idennity. They put Hienrich right on it but haven't herd back.
Lins.jpg
Lins Heating and Plumbing, formerly Plumbing and Heating, was established prematurely before much plumbing came to the Valley except in the plumb groves. With only heating to occupy them the Summers lent quite a bit of free time to the conglomerate. Searching for a shady spot in the country to sit and ponder and to adjust the water pump. KD and Cuthbert were always invited to join them but seldom stayed for the Tiddly Winks.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Sat Feb 05, 2022 3:49 pm

They should have stayed for the Tidily Wink finals. It was a raucous event!
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Sat Feb 05, 2022 4:04 pm

I saw Tidily wink once and when she did her glass eye fell out and rolled across the table!
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Feb 05, 2022 5:45 pm

That's an understatement Herb. Neville's Squidger was ruled too thick at the center for tournament play. He borrowed one from the tipsy Lins. A squopped wink caught on end and was potted out before the time out. 11 tidlies remained. If not for Audrey's unadulterated Belch Creek water the argument might have persisted past the baseline. A squop-up turn was called and a free shot given to the opposing team. That hasn't happened in the Valley for at least a century.
Thanks for mentioning it.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sun Feb 06, 2022 10:16 am

In the picture above we see none other than William F. Buckley, Esq, reclining alongside an early commercial vehicle as he takes a brief respite from cognating furiously while consuming mass quantities of a well-known tonic beverage. Under the stimulus of the tonic concoction, Buckley, in less than an hour's time, constructed a voluminous new language consisting entirely of quadrisyllabic words, which he was in the process of dictating to his assistant when fatigue overcame them both. Bystanders administered yet more of the tonic imbibement, and Buckley rallied to add 523,453 additional words to the novel lexicon. Both he and his assistant survived the heroic endeavor, but alas, the new language was barely committed to paper by the exhausted but able assistant when a wild rodent consumed it entirely.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun Feb 06, 2022 12:27 pm

Not to be confused with William K. Buckley who sharpened scissors down on Gladmore ave. by the old welching plant.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sun Feb 06, 2022 2:40 pm

Or Buckley Q. Williams, who was foreman at the welching plant until the vein of pure hyphens in the alphabet mine played out. Unable to adapt the plant's machinery to turn lower case "L" ninety degrees, Williams retired to a hog farm near Chugwater. Making a habit of taking an afternoon nap in the farrowing pen, he mysteriously disappeared.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Feb 06, 2022 3:09 pm

I would be one of life's bigger mistakes to miss the opportunity
to nap in the farrowing pen. Most of the major players in these
historical reports kept a farrowing pen for just such purposes.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun Feb 06, 2022 3:58 pm

A good nap in the farrowing pen could lead to all sorts of delightful results. Much of the Waggalastor Convelopede was envisioned there as well as relief from cruciferous vegetables.
Frroww.jpg
The Declaration of Farrowpendance was signed using a farrowing pen by most of the City Fathers.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Sun Feb 06, 2022 7:54 pm

We haven't talked about the Regatta in a while.
Again, there is no explanation on this photo. Might this be the old boathouse where the winner was allowed to keep their boat after the event? Some of those old events had some strange rules!
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Mon Feb 07, 2022 1:49 am

Heinrich reports back that this was the aquatic farrowing pen, for
transient waternappers. Demand was high, even in the off-season.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Mon Feb 07, 2022 9:30 am

Rumors have long circulated that this facility was comandeered by the fledgling Army Air Corps during the Great War with the aim of producing floating pigs, as a necessary first step toward developing and deploying a formidable force of flying pigs. The project, if it actually existed, has been vehemently denied by generations of government spooks.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Tue Feb 08, 2022 12:19 am

Nearly cropped from the photo, Samuel Wankowitz holds a giant
old style ham can key from a giant canned ham. All this was strangely
coincidental to the evunculator hanging from its launch sling, awaiting
countdown. The gathered crowd had assembled at the aquatic farrowing
pen, where the War Dept. had set up the launch sling for its early run of
testing. Kalamity Dick provided the expected theorizing and advanced
tinkering to bring the device to prototypical test form. Not seen are the
tree farklers, nor the sombrero-wearing cats.

KDevunculator1.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Tue Feb 08, 2022 10:08 am

Large, richly decorated cans of "Whole Cured Water Pig" were offered commercially for a time, but difficulties with handling and storing the massive items and the need to consume the entire pig within a week or so after opening the huge can made the product impractical for all but the largest of families. Most institutional kitchens passed over the product in favor of cheaper alternatives, such as dry powdered gruel or the dreaded canned spinach. A number of empty water pig cans found new uses as dog houses or streamlined "soap box" racers, but by 1945, most all of them were lost to decay, accident, or wartime scrap drives.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Tue Feb 08, 2022 11:27 am

On a school field trip to the Chugwater farrowing pens, little Lulubelle Suggs inadvertently discovered that sheep shears could function as a heliocentric photon interruptor, or HPI. Not long after this technological breakthrough, KD was able to store sections of sunbeams like cordwood by sealing the ends with vanadium butter. Sections were placed at optimal intervals to light the alphabet mines, which saved thousands of dollars in candle purchases for the operators. Later on, however, powerful carbide interests put an end to the practice. Nowadays, interest in sunbeams as a practical source of light has been negligible owing to modern architecture and the construction of windowless schools, factories and commercial buildings.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Tue Feb 08, 2022 1:07 pm

Incidentally, these same nefarious forces also put the nations' cadres of Little Match Girls out of business. In their desperation, some turned to crime, but many found new economic niches in knitting mittens for polar bears. The polar bears have found that the match girl-knitted mittens make gripping those ice-cold cans of Coca Cola much more comfortable. The wool-gathering community also found renewed prosperity in consequence of the girls' heroic devotion to gainful employment, and Her Majesty's Royal Milk Goat Society has presented an elaborate and munificent award to the Mitten-knitters' Guild, though no one is sure why.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue Feb 08, 2022 1:09 pm

So many missed opportunities in these latter days such as the going to waste of sunbeams. The Pythagoreans burned stray socks from the gutter to for heat during the eight month Winter. Sleighing the giant slalom fed early cavemen but now they rot in the hills with the yetis. Mankind has become mollycoddled and overindulged to no end. Oh for the days of scraping for piddleberries and frogwarts. I'm almost ashaed of even sliced bread.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Tue Feb 08, 2022 3:40 pm

It was not all beer and skittles back in those thrilling days of yesteryear. Take for example the extreme displeasure of Saddlestring's Mayor Humber Coddle, his wife Molly and their coachmen. Set to attend an important meeting of Tri-burg notables, the Coddles' plans went awry when they discovered Slug Spaydaford and his henchmen had stolen their team of four in hand under their very noses. More's the pity, Mrs. Coddle had to slice the bread for sandwiches entirely by hand when lunchtime rolled around.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Tue Feb 08, 2022 4:11 pm

A grand equippage to be sure, and the gentleman passenger displays a perfect arched eyebrow. Horses? He don't need no horses!


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Tue Feb 08, 2022 4:40 pm

Speaking of sunbeams:
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Tue Feb 08, 2022 7:06 pm

A few years later Lulubelle Suggs developed many side effects from using sheep shears to cut heliocentric photons and it puzzled many of the Chugwater doctors as to her developing the extra extremities. Although they did say she had a leg up on most of the other girls!
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Tue Feb 08, 2022 7:20 pm

Wasn't she one of the Busby Berkely "Banana Girls"?

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Feb 09, 2022 10:52 am

I had heard that she grew another foot the year she was 17.
When did I do that?

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu Feb 10, 2022 5:48 pm

Heinrich mentioned how he had been cherishing the heliocentric photons as of late.
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His window allows them to penetrate the solitude and stench of his office.
All work and no play....well, you know.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Thu Feb 10, 2022 8:10 pm

It's a boon for Heinrich that he can enjoy sunbeams as well as the consolation of his beloved Sciler grand piano. Not many folks know Heinrich composed the overture that appears on the fly-leaf of that first edition of the Adventures of Kalamity Dick. Etude in C flat Neutral is a treat for the ears. Not many have employed mixolydian scales so effortlessly. I really need to consult with the Institute's maintenance foreman. Heinrich's office was scheduled for a repainting in July if 1964. I see they haven't gotten around to it yet.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Thu Feb 10, 2022 8:34 pm

He wrote most of his music on fly paper and that's why most folks got hung up on it :? They always seemed to stick around for more!
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Thu Feb 10, 2022 11:14 pm

The entire Tri-Burg area has suffered under the Zumwaldt paintdemic
since late 1959. No wonder Heinrich's office looks a little shabby.
More people are doing it today than ever before !


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Fri Feb 11, 2022 10:00 am

That room is a near-perfect melding of classic style and gentle decay, long-continued. It lacks only a moosehead on the wall... no mere painting would do; a proper, appropriately patinated, mounted moosehead of substantial size and dignified expression is required. A period protrait of Prince Albert would be a preferred additional accessory, if properly patinated.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Fri Feb 11, 2022 8:41 pm

I just don't think that this machine got "off the ground".
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Feb 12, 2022 9:53 am

Zebulerk Zumwaldt, for whom the paintdemic was named, insisted on pushing the carriage rather than pulling them with the animal. Steering became a problem and he tried various methods including the old standby, vanadium butter as Rich mentioned earlier in the weak.
Zeb's name was affixed to many problems and dilemmas for years after to celebrate his mis-guided thoughts and ideas.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sat Feb 12, 2022 10:14 am

Decades later, GM engineers became intrigued by the Zumwalt designs and were inspired to bring forth the Corvair automobile. Steering issues were largely overcome by building in automatic oversteer, according to allegations made by Rolf Nadir, a New York twerp who went on to become an Expert Allegator.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Feb 12, 2022 1:43 pm

As a child, I remember all the TV stations cancelling their regular
programming, to carry the big ceremony, where Rolf Nafir swore
allegence to the alpiphaneous allegator cause. Ernie was so disgusted,
he turned the TV off in the back room and forbade anyone from farkling,
by bribery with a round of Happy Sally on the house. At last Tueday's
meeting, Heinrich commented that latter-day experts consider Ernie's
move to have been a most effecatious strategy of oversteer, that still
works just as well today.
More people are doing it today than ever before !

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Feb 12, 2022 9:53 pm

From what I hear most of the farkling was kept to a diminutive extent. As always, Zumwalt was a problem and patrons took turns surveiling him.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Feb 13, 2022 3:14 am

My own folks still watch TV on their old Squagnavox, like the
one shown in the last post.
More people are doing it today than ever before !


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sun Feb 13, 2022 10:20 am

Don't miss "Sea Hunt" right after Arthur Godfrey....


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Sun Feb 13, 2022 11:55 am

While the Trifocal Zumulator resembled television, especially Squagnavox models, it pre-dated Philo T. Farnsworth's theories by several decades. The system depended upon the murmurations of pigeon flocks to transpose images of Zumwaldt's movements to the single monitor in Ernie's back room. Prohibition of watching the device was unnecessary, as patrons quickly grew bored watching Zumwaldt pick his nose, scavenge in alleys for discarded gum wrappers and nap on park benches. Brainchild of Romulus Blisterfelt, it is rumored Farnsworth acquired his working notes in the early '20s. Bartholomew is working on documentation of that connection. Photo shows Romulus Blisterfelt in a pensive moment.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sun Feb 13, 2022 2:20 pm

Farnsworth was actually the Idaho Potato Guy's grandfather, and a distant cousin to non other than the celebrated Dr. Pogue, who was himself an in-law of J.C. Whitney. Researchers have attempted to connect these three with Captain Miles Standish. Standish has refrained from comment, and Horatio Hornblower stated for the record the following: "Frankly, I don't give a toot!"


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Feb 13, 2022 3:46 pm

While Hornblower didn't give a toot, it was the Idaho Potato Guy
who coined the term "Show me your toots !".
More people are doing it today than ever before !

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun Feb 13, 2022 4:54 pm

Idaho or not, it was the root of the potato tree that held the mediated carbon fluxes that allows the cathode ray to convert vanadium vapor from the air to tronic images. A stream of electrons then can form minute clover shaped stipples on the screen as if by magic. Kalamity Dick penned an article concerning this during the Hollyhock Rebellion as a way of perplexing the enemy troops. Timely negotiations brought about peace and the stipples were not required. Tooting was just a way of repaying their gratitude.
J. C. Whitney had been a commander of some of the troops as I heard it.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Sun Feb 13, 2022 5:37 pm

Right you are, Rich. Heinrich was fortunate to locate this photograph of "J. C." submitting to a close shave prior to mustering out as a Second Lieutenant in the Chugwater Volunteers just before the rebellion.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sun Feb 13, 2022 5:41 pm

Whitney instructed the mess cooks to add Marvel Oil to the boiled spinach, which increased the troops' quick march speeds by some 13%. The improved performance was somewhat offset by increased time on latrine break.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Sun Feb 13, 2022 7:40 pm

Ah yes, the Hollyhock Rebellion! In an incredible display of vegetative aggression, these holly hocks tried to take over this house!
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Luckily they were eaten by the fainting goats that were mentioned earlier in this topic.
They made a movie about it in the 1950's. The Invasion of the Holly Hocks. It was a 3-D movie.

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